The Voice Recap: Christina Wants a Real Mann

The Voice

By TheNooch | Tuesday, May 8, 2012 | 10:54 am | 16 Comments
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Posted in: Recaps, The Voice

The finals!!! Music to my ears! And Juliet’s hair is brown again!!! Everything good is happening in my life. I think it’s all coming together because of the Supermoon.

I love how we recap the very recent past of these four finalists and every coach claims they’ve known from the get go that these four would be here at this moment. If this is true, why did we just waste all this time toying with everyone’s emotions??

The Voice could have been 2 episodes long and everybody could rest easy that Juliet Simms is now going to have a recording contract. Or is it Jermaine Paul? Or Chris Mann? Or Tony Lucca? Probably not Tony Lucca.

After we relive the tumultuous past all these contestants have had, Carson does something that makes me sad to see the Voice end. He gears up to start asking Blake about his opinion on the contestants and leads in by saying “You’re one of the biggest country stars on the planet Earth.” Blake says, “Thank you” to which Carson follows “Unfortunately, it’s true,” and I know I have found my one true love.

Blake thinks that Jermaine Paul is a super star and Christina wants everyone to know that she is sick and her little boy is “watching Mommy from backstage tonight.” Carson asks you about Chris Mann and you talk about you, way to stay on topic Christina.

I’m pretty sure Cee-Lo is going through menopause, he has little fans around him that keep his hot flashes under control and he’s a raging bitch, from all the hormones.

Adam is going to chop some logs during the commercial break.

This is serious.

Jermaine Paul goes first, taking us through his journey on the Voice and ultimately squeezing out some tears and winning hearts all over America. He sings I Believe I Can Fly, because he truly believes he can.

Christina: “I stood up. You got me to stand on my feet.” And I was surprised. I was unaware I had that kin of mobility. Cee-Lo: “You look strong like a black handsome man.” Now I know why Cee-Lo needs that fan. Adam: “I don’t think anyone could take their eyes off you tonight.” Dammit. I want people to look at me. That’s it, we’re unbuttoning one more button… Blake: “My heart is in my throat.” That’s not where it should be. You should seriously get that checked out. Oh wait, that’s an emotion.

Laugh it up while you can Juliet, becuase you won’t be laughing when Cee-Lo refuses to help you produce your first record since you choice a GNARLS BARKLEY song to honor him!!!

Juliet Simms sings Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, and I can tell, by the look on Cee-Lo’s face that it was not the correct song choice. A song by Cee-Lo Green would have been a better choice.

Then she does something that breaks the four wall and feels very awkward: coming off the stage and singing at Cee-Lo’s face. It’s like she’s rubbing the fact that she chose a Gnarls Barkley song for her tribute to Cee-Lo in his face.

That boob is perilously close to the edge…

Chris Mann and Christina are singing The Prayer, and I’m praying that her right boob doesn’t fully escape her dress.

I’m going to do my best to offend Xtina tonight!

Now it’s Tony Lucca’s time to shine. We see a clip of Christina telling Tony that Brittany had such a huge crush on him. Is that supposed to make him feel better after you told him he was one-dimensional and that you DIDN’T have a crush on him?

He decides to sing Jay-Z’s 99 Problems because he will NOT be one-dimensional Christina! Put your boob away! I have not really been a Tony believer, but I do like this version of 99 Problems. Not bad Tony Lucca. Not Bad. Blake uses his turn to try to be funny with his little joke-time, but NO ONE laughs. Blake does the honorable thing and backpedals to just say that it was a job well done. Like I like my steak! —-Nevermind, you sang a song and I acknowledged your singing.

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The nooch is 5 foot 3.  She hates sushi and once she watched a movie on Lifetime from start to finish without making a sarcastic comment.  Once.  That's all.

Listen to her talk on her podcast here: www.megaboomradio.com

16 Comments

  1. 1
    Angela
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Call me crazy, but Cee Lo was in Gnarls Barkley so I am not sure what the problem is there. Other than her version was not good.

    I am not a Tony fan but Christina’s soap-boxy bitchery might have turned me around. And it didn’t hurt that I liked that version of 99 Problems. Relax Christina. You don’t even wear pants on live TV for the most part.

  2. 2
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 11:43 am

    Xtina is such a TWAT!!! I hope Tony wins just to spite her. Plus, he was great last night.

    I think it’s interesting that she liked his voice and wanted him on her team *until* she found out he was on The Mickey Mouse Club with her…Hmm…

  3. 3
    brooker512
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

    FYI – “Crazy” is a Gnarls Barkley song – the group that is composed of Danger Mouse and CEE-LO GREEN. So Juliette did sing a Cee-Lo song.

  4. 4
    no cars go
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 11:50 am

    To second what Angela said, Cee Lo was in Gnarls Barkley and co-wrote Crazy. It wasn’t an inappropriate choice at all.

  5. 5
    Cara
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Umm, excuse me, but Cee Lo is Gnarls Barkley.. along with Danger Mouse.

  6. 6
    Cara
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Sorry to be redundant. The previous comments were not showing up on my page at first.

  7. 7
    Honeybee
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 12:25 pm

    So the Adam vs. Christina issue

    Rumor has it, that 99 Problems was directed at Christina…and when she found out she complained to the producers. She didn’t get her way and there was some name calling…eh someone got butt-hurt. Hence the “this is a REAL MAN” comment and Cee-lo’s “no problems” t-shirt.

  8. 8
    Mimo
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    My husband and I have decided that although Christina proclaimed Britney had a huge crush on Tony, me thinks it was maybe Christina – and it wasn’t reciprocated. I can’t figure out why else she would be so nasty to him night after night. Although, telling him he was one dimensional certainly worked in his stepping up his game.

    That being said, I’m team Jermaine. And I thought Soul Man was great. As was Born to be Wild. The other two? Meh.

  9. 9
    Enrique's Mole
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

    @Honeybee – great dirt!

    @Mimo – that’s what I’ve been thinking, too.

  10. 10
    Honeybee
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    I am super embarassed to admit this, but I was a BIG fan of the Micky Mouse Club back in the day. Although in my defense I was in the 5/6th grade. Tony was one of the earlier cast members. I remember having a bit of a pre-teen crush as well. I remember was involved with Keri Russell for several years (on and off the show), they did a short lived TV show at one time.

    That being said, its really odd to think she would have such a big issue with him due to the show. He was like 16/17 when she was on the show (she was like 11) and only on one season. How much interaction could she really have had with this guy?

  11. 11
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

    She’s probably still pissed at him for hogging all the blow.

  12. 12
    scottywrangler Scottywrangler
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Xtina is such a caricature of herself. She is just such a huge freaking coochwaffle. Her boobs are giant and janky, and that dress she wore during “The Prayer” was ridiculous, especially from behind where you could see all her back fat poking through. Is she on steroids? That would explain the puffiness, but nothing can explain that hair or those huge fake eyelashes!

    That said, I am all in for Chris Mann, in spite of her. And if not him, I’m for Juliet. The other two are just ordinary, IMHO.

  13. 13
    bravo junkie
    Posted May 8, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    @ Honeybee good memory on the Keri Russell tv show, I watched it in high school, it was called Malibu Shores…it was very short lived.

  14. 14
    See-Jay
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 12:25 am

    Did anyone else catch Christina texting on her phone while Tony was trying to show his gratitude to all four judges? Bitch is cold.

  15. 15
    emily
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 12:41 am

    Christina looks like a drag queen with her over done make up and clothing,

  16. 16
    Mimo
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    I fell asleep during right before the announcement. When I woke up later, was compelled to wake the husband to ask him who won. Then we talked about what I had missed. My guy, who is the nicest guy in the whole wide world, told me Christina was wearing shorts during the last segment. There was this pause, and then he said “not a good look for her”. There’s been times I was wondering if she even had nipples, because some of the dresses and/or tops were cut so low, surely they would have had to be showing that area.

    That being said. Her sylist this year was a hellava lot better than the one last year.

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