The Voice Recap: F The Winner! It’s Blooper Time!!

The Voice

By TheNooch | Thursday, May 10, 2012 | 6:00 am | 7 Comments
Tagged: , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, The Voice

After we’ve had our fill of wacky coaches, we go back to what the show is really about, singing.

Cheesa, Naia Kete, Kim Yarbrough and Sera Hill sing “Superstition” because we need to remember why they were eliminated in the first place. Sorry, that was mean. They have lovely voices, it just chaps my ass to have to jump through all these hoops before a winner is announced.

This night is so confusing. Parks and Recreation has decided to do a bit about the spinning chairs from the Voice. I love Parks and Recreation but what is happening? WHY WON’T THEY LET ME KNOW THE WINNER???

Juliet picks Jamar Rogers, Raelynn and Erin Willet to sing with her for her last song, A Little Help from My Friends. I get Jamar and Erin, but Raelynn? I’m surprised Juliet. Although, you did just sing with Flo Rida, so I guess anything can happen.

During the performance, balloons are dumped all over the audience. The audience is super excited about the new toys falling from the sky, but Blake just sits in his chair looking highly suspicious of these “unexpected gifts.”

DAMMIT!!! ANOTHER BLOOPER REEL!!!!! This one is all about Purrfect the cat. All the cat ladies are Tivo-ing the shit out of this right now.

Lady Antebellum perform their new single “Wanted You More”, not sure why, guess they just felt like. Why not, I say. He just watched a 5-minute blooper reel about a cat. We clearly don’t have anything better to do.

Tony Lucca asks Jordis Unga to come back to the show and sing You Can Go Your Own Way with him. I guess he only made one friend.

We come back after the commercial break to find an imitation Cee-Lo (Kenan Thompson) auditioning a cat. We really have lost sight of what entertainment is these days.

Everybody is just using this show to plug their own shit. Does America not see what is happening here? This show is not entertainment, it is commercial after commercial after commercial disguised as “entertainment” after commercial.

The next commercial is for KIA, a sponsor. They’ve decided to be super “generous” and give each of the final four a brand new car. It had NOTHING to do with that fact that this would be taped and put on television for MILLIONS of people to see. Nothing to do with that. All just out of the goodness of their hearts.

Justin Bieber is back. Of Course. He has a single to promote too.
Why does it always look like he’s wearing his older brother’s shoes?
And why do so many girls want to date him?

It’s finally here!! The elimination!

Before we can eliminate anyone, Carson needs to make sure America knows how each and every one of them are feeling at that very moment.
Jermaine cries when Carson asks him what winning would mean to him. Chris believes he’s really grown in this process. Juliet also starts crying. And Tony is wearing a ton of makeup.

The fourth place winner is Chris Mann. At least it’s a place, Mann.

The third place winner is Tony Lucca. Christina won this round.

The second place winner is Juliet Simms. She was robbed!

And the WINNER of The Voice is JERMAINE PAUL!! I’m actually really happy for him, not having to be a backup singer anymore. I say, once you record your cd, you should have Alicia Keys sing backup for YOU!

WHY DOES CHRISTINA THINK IT’S OK FOR HER TO WEAR THOSE DIAMOND UNDERPANTS IN PUBLIC???? THOSE ARE RESERVED FOR PRIVATE TIME!

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The nooch is 5 foot 3.  She hates sushi and once she watched a movie on Lifetime from start to finish without making a sarcastic comment.  Once.  That's all.

Listen to her talk on her podcast here: www.megaboomradio.com

7 Comments

  1. 1
    Sierra
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 6:37 am

    you’re so hilarious.

  2. 2
    Sharona
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 7:54 am

    THANK YOU for calling out Xtina on her pants! No, not pants, not enough material for that… skivvies!

    Juliet was totally robbed, but I gotta say Jermaine killed it on Soul Man, and that’s probably what won it for him… I just would have been happier with him in 2nd… =D

  3. 3
    itchy itchy
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 11:44 am

    Jermaine got lucky because Jesus gave up on watching this lame Survivor season and changed the channel to the Voice instead. Otherwise Juliet would have won.

  4. 4
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 11:51 am

    Itchy, looking good!

  5. 5
    Viane Slice
    Posted May 10, 2012 at 3:19 pm

    Being officially without cable, I’ve been tracking this show on Hulu. First most of the talent didn’t move me. I hate to say the last time I got shivers hearing an amateur sing for a reality show was Susan Boyle. But still the times I heard Jermaine I liked his voice. I liked Juliet’s voice too, it reminded me of Stevie Nicks – hoarse smokey yet somehow pure.

    Also I lost respect for Christina as a person. I always thought she should have been a bigger star than Britney Spears. Not any more. For this show, all her insecurities came out in aces and spades. If you’re already great, you don’t need to remind people over and over that you are. Christina tries too hard to be sexy (those skanky bejeweled panties ala LadyGaga and other fashion atrocities and the caked on make up). She tries too hard to remind people how talented she is (did she really have to pwn people who are trying for their shot at stardom? Stop running up on stage to sing all over them or sing all over them when you’re supposed to be coaching them.). In contrast, I notice that Jennifer Lopez doesn’t act like that. Yeah she may be just as big a diva but she appears secure enough not to try to put others down. At least on camera.

    All in all I enjoyed the show. But I think someone said earlier to replace Aguilera with Milian. One Christina for another – yeah that would work for me.

  6. 6
    leslilly
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 8:37 pm

    “Everybody is just using this show to plug their own shit. Does America not see what is happening here? This show is not entertainment, it is commercial after commercial after commercial disguised as “entertainment” after commercial.”

    ^TheNooch – I loved this comment you made! This is exactly how I feel about so many shows. Anyone watch Modern Family the other night? It wasn’t even funny – it was a 1/2 hr commercial for Disneyland. Maybe the fault was my own for expecting it to be funny in the first place.

    Now, back to The Voice. I was shocked by the winner…I tell you, SHOCKED! :) I seriously was. I figured he would come in 4th place. You know who else looked shocked? Tony Lucca. I think he was stunned that he finished in 3rd. He really expected to win the entire thing.

    I wound up really irked by all the shenanigans between Christina and Adam aka Enema-bag. Then I questioned myself for being irked…because after all, didn’t their stupid comments and actions make the show more exciting? I would hate to be a contestant on The Voice. I think the judge/mentor can cause definite backlash.

    Re: someone always yelling “I love you, Christina!”- I have decided that she plants several flunkies to yell that out each show.

  7. 7
    leslilly
    Posted May 11, 2012 at 8:40 pm

    One more thought: I hit rewind to be sure that I really saw Jermaine, Chris and Tony singing back-up for Hall & Oates. Once I made a positive ID, I started laughing. Jermaine was done with his back-up days! Kinda ironic.

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