Hey Gasmii! This very well could be the last piece of correspondence I exchange with you before Hurricane Sandy pillages Brooklyn and makes off with my fingers! Let’s dive into the recap before I die!
The X Factor is back, and finally, people, we’re finding out which 16 will make the live show stage of the competition. I hope this means the end of those overproduced packages at the top of the episode summing up the audition phase of the competition, because if I hear ‘O Fortuna’ again, I’ll murder Demi Lovato’s favorite puppy.
Okay, fine. No puppy murder. But I’ll be super annoyed.
We pick up in Malibu, where Britney Spears readies herself for the moment when she’ll tell two talented kids that the pizza party Mom promised them for winning X Factor won’t be happening. We see the kids in their hotel rooms with their parents preparing for the day’s events, and we’ve finally met the monsters who’ve handed their children over to Satan Simon and his army of fallen angels.
When Beatrice ends up Wilmer Valderrama’s next underage girlfriend, it’ll be all your fault. Demi knows.
First to learn her fate is my best friend Diamond White. Britney tells Diamond that she brought life to her performance, and that she really changed the way Britney felt about her. The downside, however, is that Diamond looked nervous—which I still don’t agree with—and Britney can’t be giving $5 million dollar contracts out to just any ol’ nervous body. Britney has made her decision and… Diamond is through to the live shows! Of course she is. There’s no way the first person to get their results in the episode is going home. Also, duh, she’s like really good.
Carly Rose Sonenclar is up next, and there’s like zero suspense. That girl can SANG, and after the requisite “You need more confidence,” she’s through too.
“OMG Diamond, my mom won’t beat me with her slippers tonight!”
Next is Arin Ray, and either he or the next contestant will get bad news if the final spot will come down to 2 people. I really hope Arin doesn’t go home. He’s just so adorable, and I always always always root for the black person. I rooted for the Clovers in Bring It On, and my favorite character on Mad Men is the elevator operator.
“I’m rooting for Arin, too.”
Britney tells Arin he’s very charming and charismatic, but that she worries his vocal talent isn’t on par with the others in his category. But, she has made her decision, and Arin is through! Yay, Obama! But that doesn’t bode well for Bieber swoop having, cool kid rapper James Tanner. In their waiting room, Beatrice Miller is crying because of her nerves, and James says so sweetly, “Stop crying, Bebe. You’re gonna make me cry.” And fuck, it’s just gotten a little dusty in my living room. Damn you, Simon Cowell! I told you last time sad little white children make my living room dusty! You don’t listen!