“My Momma told me that if I closed my eyes and prayed real hard, Jesus would forgive me for eating the hearts of children.”
First to perform is Diamond White, whom I want to be when I grow up. She is literally the cutest thing ever. Diamond sings Avril Lavigne’s “I’m With You.” And duh, she does tremendously, though like David Correy, her performance is a little over choreographed. But, who’s gonna hold a little hamming it up against a 13-year-old? Will-I-Am, actually, who thinks Diamond cares about her moves too much. Fair enough, I guess. Britney thinks Diamond needs to work on stage presence and confidence. I dunno, she seemed pretty confident to me.
Next up is precocious Reed Deming. Reed strikes me as the kind of kid whose peers don’t get how cool he is, but adults love. I dig him. He’s a likable Haley Joel Osment.
“If this singing stuff doesn’t work out, I could always go around spotting dead people.”
Reed turns out a solid performance of Plain White T’s’ “Hey There Delilah.” He’s relatively happy with his performance, but Britney thinks he was nervous and that he could have had a better showing. Will-I-Am tells Britney that she should remind Reed to sing with the same attitude that he has when speaking, because “he’s a little emperor. Little emperor kid.” That’s exactly right. Emperor indeed.
James Tanner, the Bieber swoop having rapper, raps Shop Boyz “Party Like a Rockstar.” I hate it. Last week I explained why I think rapping is a bad idea on a show such as this, and this performance buttresses my point. I’m not interested in hearing a rapper cover another rapper’s song word for word, and certainly not a so poorly written one. James is super cute though, and very cool. Britney finds his performance entertaining, but she isn’t sure it’s strong enough.
(Bee tee dubs, Britney’s kind of a shitty judge, no? She hasn’t any opinions other than “it wasn’t strong enough” and “s/he/it needs confidence.” But, I suppose it takes a really huge performance to jolt someone out of a Xanax stupor.
“I haven’t felt an emotion in 3 years.”
So, Ok. Carry on, Britney.)
Arin Ray, every girl’s middle school crush, goes before the judges to sing Nicki Minaj’s “Starships.” It’s good. Arin is nowhere near the top of this category when it comes to vocal talent, but he’s so adorable and likable and I can see a million teen girls coming together to violate fire safety codes at the mall just to catch him at an appearance. Can’t you? Britney and Will-I-Am agree that his vocals could use some work, but he’s got something. Perhaps the X Factor? Dun dun dun.
Next up is Beatrice Miller. I love this girl. She’s so talented and so mature. But right before she goes before the judges, Beatrice is so overcome with nerves that she begins to cry. Isn’t it awful what this pressure does to 13 year olds? Beatrice remarks, “this is my one chance.” But like, you’re thirteen. IT’S TOTES NOT. Le sigh. Fuck your parents. This saddens me. Beatrice pulls it together, though, and starts her cover of David Guetta and Sia’s “Titanium.” And it was incredible. Wow. She’s amazing.