Hey gasmii! I’m RaeRae and I’m super, super super excited to be recapping Season 2 of The X Factor for you guys, starting with Episode 9. Now, I’m a broad who can’t carry a note for the life of me, and I quit alto sax in 8th grade at my music teacher’s behest, but that won’t stop me from tearing down these talented artists. Hating is the American way!
The episode starts with a montage, overwrought in its production, of the most triumphant moments of the season thus far. LA Reid yells excitedly at some white ladies, grown men sob like babies, and the crowd in the theater goes wild. The announcer informs us that the 60 hopefuls admitted to boot camp will now be narrowed down to the 24 most desperate, to be milked for all their reality TV worth.
After the opening credits, Simon Cowell, his face as bloated as his ego, explains to all the contestants gathered in the theater that the 24 who make the cut will be invited to the Judges’ homes for another round of auditions. The 24 selected will be split up into 4 categories– Teens, Young Adults, Over 25s, and Groups– comprising 6 acts each. The categories will each be mentored by a different judge. We are then treated to another montage of the contestants’ performances and the judges’ commentary. (But really, how many of these heavy-handed packages are they gonna dump on us? We’re on our 2nd one in just 8 minutes, and I’m this close to slitting my wrists to the soundtrack of a Coldplay instrumental.)
The first set of cuts to be made are from the Young Adults category. The first name Simon calls is the obnoxious CeCe Frey, who, with her busy outfit and stupid leopard spots painted on her face, seems about as sincere as a stripper negotiating with a new customer.
“Is that a hundred-dollar bill?! Of course you’re my favorite!”
The next name called is Willie Jones, the lovable singer whose low country drawl, black skin and high flat top fade hair cut make all the racist, anti-Obama email forwarding aunts across America feel a scary tingling down there. Then there’s Jennel Garcia, whose interesting spelling of her first name suggests she’s a lot less likable than she actually is; Nick Youngerman, Vanilla Ice’s squirt little brother; Paige Thomas, a gorgeous Rihanna look-alike; and finally, Jillian Jensen, the bullying victim who I just can’t seem to bring myself to root for. Simon tries to be gentle as he breaks the remaining contestants’ hearts, but his plastic face doesn’t exactly convey the emotion he thinks he’s conveying.
“I can’t move my cheeks, so Britney makes all the sad faces for me.”
The next set of cuts will be made to the Over 25 category. The first name called is Jason Brock, whose happy jumping and clapping propel him past Chris Colfer to become the happiest singing queen on the Fox network. Then there’s Darryl Black, who, though chocolate, is easily the most vanilla person on the show; David Correy, the adopted dude who’s convinced himself that winning The X Factor will convince his birth mother to unabandon him; Tara Simon, who is actually as obnoxious as the spelling of Jennel’s name; Tate Stevens, the country singer who just sings country, and Vino Allen, the intense, brooding New Yorker who looks like he just walked off the set of Sons of Anarchy.
Nobody messes with SAMCRO.