Church Lock In!!
There are 115 cardinals locked in the Sistine Chapel for a slumber party. They all get a sleeping bag, a Tiger Beat magazine, and a ballot for Pope. Who will win? Who will be humiliated in defeat?!!? We have no idea, so we brought in Papal expert Tim Gunn to educate us on the nominees.
Cardinal Angelo Scola
Tim: A full head of hair, a nice white smile and an ironed collar. What’s not to like? I appreciate that he’s taken out his neck button to account for his wattle girth. That screams confidence, but quietly. Like a scream into a pillow. Elegant. Any man with that much hair at his age has God on his side. Trust me, I know. Chances of a win: 70%
Cardinal Odilo Scherer
Tim: Don’t like his use of such a bright red cuff with pink and purple. It’s just too, dare I say, fruity? Especially on such a sour puss. And frankly, the hat looks too heavy. Nina’s bored. Chances: 0%
Archbishop Timothy Dolan
Tim: Is there a mirror on the back of that Bible? A Red Robin Menu? Or is he hiding? I don’t know, but this image doesn’t lead me to believe that this man is confident. Especially since he’s wearing a tent. There’s no shame in enjoying up to five times the suggested daily calorie intake, but don’t try to hide yourself like a Ringling Brothers Production. I say bravery wins the day. I’d like to see this handsome American in skinny jeans and a polo, personally. Love the ring, though. The scale of it makes those sausages look utterly dainty. Chances: 75%
Cardinal Marc Ouellet
Tim: The askew crucifix, the one shoulder cape, the carefree bed head, the rimless glasses, the proud refusal of a nose job. This man is a born leader. His win could inspire people to take the hair conditioner industry to the poor house. If you need further convincing that this man could bring the Catholic church’s reputation back from the brink, notice the carefully trimmed ear hair. Who does that? Not. Enough. Men. That’s who. This Cardinal pays attention to detail, and it’s going to save the church. Unless Michael Kors has a say, in which case Ouellet will be aufed for a lack of orange on his skin. Chances: 90%
Who do you think’s gonna take it?
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