This is what happens to pageant girls when they age.
Ugly faces, pissy judges and multiple personality disorders permeate this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director and resident no-neck Linda Brown tells us that this Mississippi Sweet Pea Pageant has a luau theme, so we’ll see volcanos erupting (worked well for Peter Brady), fire and “all sorts of things.” Well, I’m sure the fine people at Holiday Inn Express are thrilled about the volcanos and fire.
What is this aversion to necks women in the south seem to have?
First up, in Crystal Springs, Mississippi, we meet our brat of the episode, Liz, 7, and her milquetoast mother, Jennifer . “I put the Miss in Mississippi,” Liz tells us after saying, “Holla!” However, she does not put the I CAN in delican.
Jennifer sums it up best when she says about Liz, “She just kinda like has um…umm…charismatic kinda…you know…personality.” Next time, stick to, “Go glitz or go home.” Much easier to remember.
How do I say my kid is a brat without actually using that word?
Liz is running through her routine with her mother and coach and she keeps snotting off, making noises and not doing a damn thing. “Liz stands out because of her outgoing personality, but she takes it…too far,” her mother actually whines to us. “It gets a little obnoxious at times.” Jennifer, isn’t it YOUR JOB to stop that and have her act properly and with manners? I mean, you sound like you are complaining about a neighbor’s kid. My understanding is that kids under 18 are actually your property, so feed and water accordingly.
I’m about to go apeshit on your ass.
There is a bit of an argument about Liz’s tongue sticking out and she screams, “No it’s not!” then pretends to throw something at her mother. Jennifer tells us that Liz likes to win, “And if she dudn’t win, she thinks it’s not her fault. The thinks it’s somebody else’s fault.” Uh, dudn’t that also seem like something you should be teaching her – to be a gracious loser and to try harder? It’s called accountability. Look into it.
“If I don’t win, I get a little mad,” Liz tells us, barely preparing us for the way she puts the Miss into misbehaving at the end of the episode. She does a vicious face like she’d suck our blood if she could and if she had pointed teeth with suction ability.
I vant to suck your blooood.
Over in Raymond, Mississippi, we meet our new-money freakshows of the week and – Jesus, is that a Confederate symbol in Mississippi’s flag? You know, if the south had won the war and was actually its own country, the “losing” country/North would have increased their literacy rates and decreased their pregnancy rates in one fell swoop.
Getting off my soapbox, we meet Emma, 3, and her crazy mom Hope who was named Mrs. Mississippi 2011. I would love to see her take on Tricia in the lingerie league or in some kind of creamed corn fighting. Seems like they’d both be hair-pullers. And not like Hope would feel it – looks like her forehead has died from an overabundance of botulism, just like Nicole Kidman’s.
Come on, we all know what is going on here.
Emma is actually a very cute kid but she doesn’t strike me as pageant material, more just little-girl-wants- to-play-dolls-cute. She’s been competing for over a year and ewwww! CREEPY! Who is the total freakshow that just walked through the door? It’s Rhinestone Cowboy but with a sexual predator vibe – Emma’s “dad”/sperm donator. What the hell? Oh…did botulism attack his face too, because he seems very, uh, Ken-doll like.
Where is Chris Hansen and the Dateline team when you need them?