Hank is probably a nice dad and he even shows Emma his pretty feet. Ahem. He says they like doing pageants because, “It excites her.” Is he talking about Emma or his wife? Because honestly, Hope seems like the one who is more interested in it.
No, you are three and you should only know some of your alphabet.
And here’s where Hope starts the bi-polar rollercoaster (and no, I’m not diagnosing). She tells us that Emma’s “strength” is the innocence she has about her. And per usual, the crack editing team does not let us down, and they show us Emma singing, “I’m sexy and I know it.” Totally appropriate for a three year old. Then dad says, “How low can you go?” Uh, low enough to catch a predator? Don’t say that to your daughter, dude.
Hope says there are some people who don’t approve of her putting her daughter in pageants, but then says she doesn’t need anyone’s approval. “You’re just jealous, bitch,” Hope says, to…who the hell is she talking to? Her other personality?
Do you see someone we don’t, Hope?
Finally, in Vicksburg, Mississippi, McKenzie, 5, is a bit of a spazmo…
The face of crazy.
Even her mother gives her a funny look when she does that weird dance, shoving her arms forward like she’s pumping something…oh, ick. McKenzie tells us she has a bunch of crowns. Don’t they all?
What the shit is that?
Mom Michelle was probably prompted to say this, and says, “Aloha! McKenzie is going to hula her way to the crown this weekend.” Michelle says when McKenzie started competing in pageants at the age of three, she didn’t want her mother onstage with her. So Michelle makes really good use of her time behind the judges as we shall soon see. Thank God this site isn’t in 3-D, you all would have your eyes poked out by lips by the end of the recap.
Normal face now does not fool us.
Back in Raymond, Hope and Hank want Emma to practice her luau wear, but per any agreement with a three year old, Emma really isn’t doing anything on cue. They announce her and she won’t leave the closet (insert South Park/Tom Cruise/John Travolta joke here). Hope says Emma hates to practice so she tells Emma she won’t win if she doesn’t practice…and that works! Emma comes out of hiding.
“Shake it! Shake it!” her mother says, and Emma looks lost. “We’re not doing music this time.” Emma is devastated! Her whole world has come crashing down! She mopes and crosses her arms, asking for music. “Do you want a dollar?” Hope asks. You mean like a stripper? How about instead of bribing her, turning on the goddamn music? I mean, that doesn’t seem to be a big deal.
Why does this remind me of “Janie’s Got a Gun” ?
Hope tells us that to get Emma to do her best, they use bribery. Well, at least she admits it. Emma comes out with her hand out asking for money. Good lesson. Hope says they’ll use whatever they think will work – coins, dollar bills, twenty dollar bills and she “thinks” they’ve “progressed” to “a horse.” Well, at least you’ve taught her the value of “practicing hard.”
Forehead…don’t move! I’m watching you!
Hope says she’s worried if they don’t get a horse for her, “Then she’ll be a handful.” Or you could just discipline her. Is spanking off the table? Or how about pulling her from a pageant or two (although honestly, I don’t think Emma would really care). They try to get her to practice again and she says, “No. Shut the front door!” and she slams the closet door. First of all, wrong door, second of all, no 3 year old should say that!
I weep for the future.