We certainly get a nice holiday buffet with this week’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. The Carolina Queen Pageant takes place in Columbia, South Carolina, and Tanisha Dorsey is our cruise director for the week. She tells us the pageant consists of beauty and “icon wear,” where the girls dress up as their favorite icon or in many cases just turns it into “outfit of choice.”
Is this Icon supposed to be SpongeBob? Because it sucks.
“A beauty pageant is to me, like any other sport for others,” Tanisha tells us. “These girls get all worked up just like any other athlete would.” Except with pageants, the brain damage seems to occur before the pageants do.
She looks like she needs to burp. Badly.
First up, in Goose Creek, South Carolina, is Mackenzie, 6, who sings, “I like to win and do pageants…” while mindlessly strumming her guitar. You can almost hear “Smelly Cat” when she plays. She truly is a combo of Phoebe Buffay and Ellen Pompeo.
So then I serenaded McDreamy and like only 10 years later our characters got married.
Mackenzie tells us she’s a rock star who is going to rock that pageant stage. Singing, “some people are jeal-ous of me…oh-hooo, yeah!” she really just might rock out her bedroom too. Then she tells us she wants to sing a song about how much she loves her Crayons. Well, don’t forget to show some love to your Play-doh.
From the lesser known album, Princess Leia Sings Hannukah Songs
Mom Stephanie is very low-key, very sweet and basically I’ve got nothing here. “My daughter Mackenzie has personality-plus,” she says, clearly needing a cup of coffee her delivery is so pale.
Mackenzie is a dead-ringer for a mini Ellen Pompeo and has been doing pageants since she was teeny. She practices a routine where she’s wearing a doctor’s white coat, sings that she’s a zombie, and tears the coat off to reveal a skanky little costume that has the word “Bieber” across the chest. Ick.
“I like to shake it up onstage, I like to rock it up onstage, I like to move it up onstage, I like to [makes kisses with her hands and blows them] up onstage…” basically, she likes to do a lot up onstage. Mom tells us that Mackenzie has a chance to be really famous someday (sigh) and that her future is as bright as she is. She’d better get in line, because that line of kids getting famous is long.
“Everyone’s jealous of me because I wiiii-iiin,” she sing-songs. “I have pretty eyes, pretty smile, pretty hair, pretty dress…” she sighs. “It’s exhausting being this beautiful.” Okay, I actually found this pretty funny because she wasn’t arrogant when she said it and because overall she was a nice kid. I mean, she could reel it in a little, but I’m handing her a hall pass on this because of some things that happen later.
That is one Smelly Cat.
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