Finally, in Columbia, South Carolina, we meet mom Sabrina and her 3-year old Selena, a tank of a girl that will henceforth be known as Snausage. This kid looks like a kielbasa about ready to burst.
Snausage is having her picture taken and the photographer tells mom to clean her “homeless feet.” Guess that means they are dirty and panhandling? Snausage puckers up and seriously, this kid isn’t just fat, she’s FAAAAAAAAAAAAAT.
Snausage tells us that she’s going to win because she’s going to be like Beyoncé. Well, you probably already have her booty. Then she says she doesn’t know what Beyoncé does. A lot of us are right there with you.
There’s a new Buddha in town, kids.
Mom tells us that Snausage is “probably not the actual normal weight of three year olds.” Probably? Well, let’s put it this way…she’s not the weight of a healthy three year old, but I’m guessing lately, she is the normal weight of a typical American three year old.
FEED ME, SEYMOUR!
She continues that some of the “heavy hitters” in the pageant world have been on the “thicker side.” Name me one. ONE. Trust me, fatties get points off…and those points belong to Weight Watchers.
Where are you getting that my kid is fat? Because she’s not.
Yeah, even I’m not buying my own bullshit.
Walking over to the Craft Services table at the photographers, Snausage says, “I need a cookie and a donut.” You don’t really need them, you WANT them. Mom says, “Will that chocolate perk you up?” No, but I bet it makes her blood sugar surge.
NUM NUM NUM ARRRRGGMMMMMMMMMM COOKIE!
“Weight’s not an issue at all,” mom says. Just remember that when your kid is being made fun of at school, at church, on websites that recap shows you are on, on the playground, in middle school, in high school, in college, in the real world and before she’s 30 and drops dead of a heart attack.
Back in Virginia, Coach Cooch wants Faithlyn to practice her routine. Faithlyn says that if the practice isn’t perfect, “Nikki can get a little rude.” How is that different from her everyday personality?
Coach Cooch says she teaches Faithlyn all of her routines and she is a “drill sergeant.” She shows Faithlyn how her arms are wrong, and that she’s dropping them like a dead bird. “I don’t care if your music stops, I don’t care if your head falls off, I don’t care if your pants fall down, get your shit together,” she interviews. Does she think she’s being impressive? Because the more she talks, the more ignorant she sounds. Hope she doesn’t do this for a living, she’s terrible.
Don’t look directly into her eyes, you will turn to stone!
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