The California Tropic: Under the Sea pageant takes us to Reno, Nevada for some interesting crazy this week on Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director Carol Fleming continues to try to convince her eyebrows to stop moving up her forehead and into the stratosphere as she tells us that you can’t just walk off the street with a pretty face and assume you are going to win. As we will see, you can’t be doing this pageant for 7 years and win, either. Get your dumbass counter out, because here we go.
Somewhere in Tennessee, Dollywood is missing a faux Dolly.
First up in Sparks, Nevada, which kind of looks like an adorable town, 9 year old Jordan tells us that her favorite trophy is one she got for football, much to her mother’s chagrin. However, my first thought goes directly to her bobbed hair which is such a huge no-no for pageants. Looking like Jody Foster, she says she’s tomboy on the inside and pageant girl on the outside. We’ll find out she’s fibbing just a scoche in a moment.
Football trophies make me even sadder than I already seem.
Mom Crystal tells us that Jordan is not a “girly-girl” and that she’s competed in 150 pageants since the age of 2. I’m really surprised to see so many pictures of Jordan with short, non-pageant hair. Where the hell is her fall?
Let her be a kid, dammit!
Turns out Jordan wins photogenic almost every time, but she’s never won a high title. That is because she looks completely different in real life then she does that heavily Photoshopped American Girl Doll face she has on in the photo. In real life, it looks like she’s rocking some cool freckles that you can’t see in the picture. That sucks!
Yeah, that looks real.
Mom Crystal begins to show us what a true dumbass sad-sack she is when she says that pageants are like a drug, and, “Before you know it, you’re spending your bill money, and you’re spending everything you have on pageants just so you have friends.” Spend money to have friends? Why doesn’t she just join a sorority? And are pageants really the place to make good friends? How odd was this statement, it was just really sad to hear her say she’s paying for friends.
Then it happens. “I’d rather be outside eating grubs all day,” Jordan tells us. I thought I misheard until I saw the worms and heard the music. She calls them delicious and we see her eating live worms! LIVE WORMS! It even looks like her brother is grossed out.
The grub murder in progress!
“You know, your future boyfriend will never kiss you,” Crystal tells her. Yeah, something tells me boyfriends aren’t really going to be in the picture, and if they were, her sticking gross stuff in her mouth will only amount to a bonus.
Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12