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Crowning! First up is the Wee Miss 4-5 year old division…Ty says hopefully Cariah will come out with something on her head and across her chest. Just like she will when exiting the boys’ locker room in high school.
Wee Miss California Tropic First Queen…not Cariah! Her sister, not comprehending how pageants work, has a total and complete meltdown and is LOUD about it. I would have shut that kid up but you know, Ty is too busy with her raft and time. “Haters!” the sister says. So I guess dumbass is in the genes.
Wee Miss Mini-Grand Supreme…Pageant Director Carol explains that this really is the highest title in the category and the reason they changed it from Queen is that now that it’s a supreme, you have bragging rights. Basically, it sounds better than it is. That makes no sense.
So anyway…Wee Miss Mini-Grand Supreme…which basically means loser…is Cariah! Oh, she is going to need a lifejacket for her mother’s raft!
Ty says she has no idea what that title means, but “Cariah pulled it.” Ba-dum-bum. Ty knows that this is really just a divisional title so she’s not happy.
Crystal, living in an alternate universe, thinks Jordan is going to win ultimate grand supreme with grubs on top.
So California Tropic First Queen…not Jordan. Mini Grand Supreme…Jordan! Crystal says, “Shit.”
Crystal interviews that she is mad and furious. She says she’s not mad that Jordan didn’t win a high title (what else could you be mad about?), but that watching Jordan hit every mark makes her think she should have gotten a higher title. “The title she got was crap,” Crystal says. Hope Jordan doesn’t watch this episode.
Crystal finds the friend she paid for in Ty as they commiserate that they both should have gotten higher titles. No, they really shouldn’t have. Let me lay this out for you, Crystal:
Jordan’s hair was too short. Jordan’s beauty routine was too fast. Her Under the Sea routine was too mechanical (typewriter!). Jordan does not have a professional coach. Jordan really didn’t want to be there. The only thing she wins is photogenic and that is because the picture is so Photoshopped it looks like a cartoon character!