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Tuesday, January 15, 2013
9:21 am
49 Comments
Finally security shows up to let bonehead Crystal in her room – she claims it took them HOURS, which, really? Maybe Crystal is sad because she’s so stupid?
You guys said you’d leave the light on for me, and if that light isn’t on when that door opens…
Crystal says that Jordan’s swimsuit is somewhat difficult to get on and again, did it ever occur to you to PREPARE before you came to a pageant? It’s becoming pretty clear why Jordan isn’t winning – BECAUSE OF CRYSTAL! Things don’t just magically come together without hard work or preparation, Crystal! Dumb+Ass=Crystal.
Crystal tells Jordan to tell the makeup artist to help her with the costume, and when Jordan mentions it to the woman, she says, “That’s something for your mom to handle, right?” YES. Crystal interviews that the makeup artist was “awful,” which is not true and totally unfair. It’s not her job to do YOUR job. Maybe if you spent more time preparing and less time in the hallway on your damn phone, your kid would win.
So now I’m supposed to know how this pageant stuff works?
Crystal says the makeup artist said it was not her job to put the costume together. “What is your job?” Crystal spats. Uh, hair and makeup? Even Jordan is like, “She’s just a hair and makeup person.” Stupid Crystal. It’s clear she bought a costume that is way beyond her capabilities of putting on her child. Dumbass times 100.
Jordan looks adorable onstage but that shell thing that Crystal didn’t attach properly looks look just swinging around. One of the judges says Jordan has “a typewriter on her forehead…I am moving right…t-t-t…I am moving left…t-t-t.” Meaning, Jordan is thinking about things too much.
Boing-boing-worms! Boing-boing-worms!
Crisis! Cariah tripped over some suitcase or something and hurt her ankle and Ty will have none of the crying or snot running down her face. Whatever. They run a little late but not really so again, whatever.
Wipeout! Ha!
Sad clown scares the shit out of me.
Cariah gets onstage and what the shit is on her head? A crab and a bunch of seaweed. That outfit is way over the top. Ty says the outfit makes her stand out. And how! One of the judges said the crab on the head was clever but it wasn’t glitz. Ooops.
Joe’s Crabshack called and they want their dinner special back.
Me so sad about her case of crabs.
Judges discuss contestants…loved Alyssa, Cariah’s dress was way over the top, wow that judges boobs are HUGE, Jordan needed bigger hair and a tan… “She needs a little TLC.” Another job for the hair/makeup person?
RELEASE THE HOUNDS!
49 Comments
Dumb + Ass = Crystal
Classic!!!!
“Wait! A kid that likes playing outside? Someone should take this kid to Antiques Roadshow and see what they can get for her!”
“Hey, it’s pageant Emcee Peter Brady Gorbachev.”
“Sigh. Well, Americans might not be speaking Mandarin but we sure as shit aren’t speaking English either.”
“Crystal, do you really not know why you are losing? It’s because some pistons in this engine aren’t firing and honey, you are one of them.”
Crabby, you were on a roll with this one!!! I can’t pick a favorite line! It’s always fun to watch the episode and then speculate as to what you will be writing about. You far surpassed my expectations with this one! It was like Christmas all over again! I am truly hoping that Crystal and the always well spoken Ty find their way over to rant and rave. They could prove to be lots of fun!
My DVR keeps trying to stop me from watching my favorite crap shows. It didn’t record this, so I guess I’ll have two tomorrow (yay?) and it didn’t record Vanderpump Rules last night. Stop trying to save me from myself, DVR!
DearCrabby, your recaps are always brilliant, but you truly surpassed yourself with this one. Then again, you had a lot of material to work with.
“At some point, you have to fish or cut bait. And then Jordan can eat that bait. ”
Sometimes the pageant results seem pretty wonky, but this one was a no-brainer. Alyssa was incredibly poised, clean, and practiced. Her clothing, hair, and make-up choices were precisely what judges are looking for in pageants. Ty and Crystal are delusional if they think their kids were remotely competitive with Alyssa.
Crystal resembles a meth head in my mind….just sayin’.
Did we miss part of the pagent? Cariah was wearing a clown costume with neon green hair when she fell running to the elevator, but we never see her in it again. Hmm
Oh Crabby, you hit a homerun with this one! You get the crown, cape, and title of Super Slam Recapper of the Millenium Supreme with Worms on Top! Poor Crystal. That is one woman on the verge of a mental breakdown. I think Jordan eating the worm on TV was one of the funniest and grossest things I’ve ever seen. Caliguy happened to watch part of this episode with me, and was like “buy the kid some books and leave her alone!” I don’t blame Jordan, I would rather climb trees too.
Sparks is right next to Reno. My company has offices in all of the major west coast cities (LA, SF, Seattle, hell even Vegas), and when we had the corporate retreat, they sent us to the Reno branch, which is actually in Sparks. Every one was like Sparks? WTF when Vegas is a few hours away? Yeah, they are all a bunch of dumbasses too. They once flew me to Seattle to get to Portland.
My captcha is this is sparta. I expect one day we will see pageant moms fighting to the death of one another.
Crabby as always, I bow to the Queen of snark. I’m still chuckling after this fine piece of writing!
Alyssa- adorable AND prepared,; was it my imagination or was she e teensy bit cross eyed? No matter, she sparkled baby!
Jordan- poor kid, growing up with a mother who will be a f-ing embarassment her entire life. I thought she was stunning when she got made up. Crystal is a total moron if after 7 years she can’t figure out why they always lose- Get the right tools for your daughter, idiot.
Cariah- Yup I got the homeless vibe after she said she wanted to get furniture- No child would say that unless she didn’t have any..Hope Mom is not spending all the child support on pageants so she lost her home, but knowing how nuts some of these people are, wouldn’t surprise me at all.
On to tomorrow night; hopefully, once again snarky material. Good job DC!!!
The hubbs started watching this with me, until Jordan ate the worms…that did it for him…
I missed the part where the Pageant Die-rector said that Jordan wouldn’t do well..
I swear Ty said “exit wound”..
I honestly don’t have much to say, again! There must be something wrong with me!! Like, Seriously!
Peter Brady Gorbachev for Shambrow spokesman!
First, to be nice, all three children were beautiful. That often doesn’t happen in one show.
Second to be snarky Yowzah!
Glamma could make a fortune being a pageant mom Coach. Teach Ty to not put an entire pageants worth of glitz on one dress, Teach Crystal how how to be a human.
Crystal, if you want fame? Be an extra on The Walking Dead. The make up and prothetics dept would save a fortune.
Wow, lots of swimming in De Nile happening in this episode.
Poor Jordan. I almost threw up when she ate that worm (really) but she seems sad. I think she’s a pretty little girl, but her movement is really not at all graceful and she clearly is not a fan of pageants. Just stick with the sports kid, they’ll do way more for you than pageants ever will. (Not to mention that they cost way less.)
I thought Cariah was very pretty (and I too thought it was an homage to Mariah Carey) but that dress was hideous and her hair was a hot mess. Just because it’s glitz doesn’t mean that you have to hot glue ALL the sparkles you own to the dress! Cariah’s mother was – as my father is so fond of saying – dumb as a sack of hammers. And delusional to boot.
Alyssa was adorable and totally deserving of the title, she’s one of the best kids we’ve ever seen on this show, I think. Hopefully all that winning doesn’t go to her head.
I agree…all three girls were super-cute. No fugly kids at all!!!
All I could think of was this song…
Nobody likes me, everybody hates me,
Guess I’ll go eat worms,
Long, thin, slimy ones; Short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy wuzzy worms.
Down goes the first one, down goes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
Up comes the first one, up comes the second one,
Oh how they wiggle and squirm.
The moves Alyssa did for her beauty routine were fabulous ! Haven’t seen moves like that performed on T&T before – she made them look so effortless !
I think ALyssa is a National competitor, It would explain the capes, they give them at national competitions.
You can really tell those girls who compete nationally apart from those who just do local. Samara Ash was another one, who is a big national winner – And you could really tell the difference, she was only 2 when she appeared on Toddlers and Tiaras, and I can’t think of any other 2 year olds who would be able to match Samara.
Girls with short hair have won titles. There was Sadie and Elizabeth Sprinkle in previous episodes. BUT they did have coaching, good outfits and sane mothers who know what to do to win a Glitz Pageant.
One of your funniest yet Crabby.
* I don’t win pageants every week and it doesn’t cost me a dime!* Awesome Crabby!
I live for your recaps! I laugh so hard! You really make my day!
You crack me up, Crabby! When I read about Pageant Emcee Peter Brady Gorbachev, I laughed along but I had no idea what you were talking about because I didn’t get it. I was laughing to be part of the in crowd.
Then you showed a picture of him and I busted out laughing because I got it. It was less embarrassing because I was alone. Typically I don’t think the slowest (“He who laughs last…), and this time I would say I was…but then I remembered that Crystal is out there and I know I’m WAY smarter than that dumbdumb.
If Crystal knew how to work a computer (odds are she doesn’t) and if Ty had the internet or a computer (if her kid wants to buy furniture, chances are she doesn’t – but she could be reading this on a phone because everybody has those, right), I’ll bet we’d get some crazy Pageant Mama Drama up in here. Those two would be gold on here.
Wow you only won, “Because mommy and daddy screamed the loudest!” Hmmm, delusional but not cliche. And a strong note of crazy. Nice. Quite nice. I like to think I have become a crazy/delusional connoisseur because of this show. And Crystal was a fine bottle of crazy.
Hey girls, have you read this article? Explains a whole lot… A lot of pageant moms are “princess by proxy”.
http://www.redorbit.com/news/general/1112721447/pageant-achievement-by-proxy-distortion-102812/
I think I am a snarker by proxy as I live for Crabby’s recaps and all you guys’ too funny answers and observations.
Keep up the good work!
This episode waiting for me in my DVR. After reading this recap (the most hilarious one for T&T in quite a while), I can’t wait to watch it.
I second all the other posters who chimed “you’ve outdone yourself this time!”
Ya have got to go to the t&t page and see how Crystal is defending herself! OMG! Too funny!
https://www.facebook.com/irishgirl197/posts/10151332461128405?ref=notif¬if_t=close_friend_activity#!/ToddlersandTiaras?fref=ts
Lovely snarky recap. I usually only tune in to T&T reruns when I’m in need of some fine delusional crazy, but somehow caught that episode. It’s the mommas that make the show for me. I trot this show out to show my kids, I was SO a good momma!
@
@karekare – Followed your link (never thought about Facebook having a T&T page) she seemed almost normal. Not the kind of screaming and carrying on that most of the pageant moms do when telling us all about the editing and all. Did you see that someone put a link to this page? I hope she shows up!!!
Crabby, you had me almost spitting out my Taco Bell. Too funny.
Ok, I saw Jordan and she reminded me of Lindsey Lohan in The Parent Trap. But I totally see the Jodie Foster in her now too. Poor kid….she is sooooo not into this. She is a beautiful girl really (minus eating the worm, that was gross, but personally I prefer watching a child eat a worm than whatever they have picked out of their nose, yuck). I feel Crystal had all these dolls growing up and she was so excited to get a little girl that she could be girly with. Unfortunately, Karma came and bit her on the ass and gave her a tomboy. I love tomboys, I was one
. To Crystal I say…..LEAVE HER ALONE!!!
Ty Ty Ty….OMG what are you doing? That was the most horrific combination of fabric I’ve ever seen. It was like the craft section of Walmart exploded on the child. Cariah was adorable naturally. I’ve never said this about a TNT girl but the child looked better BEFORE the makeover. But whatever, I feel for those kids because something tells me that an education is not a high priority in the Ty household.
Alyssa, nothing to say. She nailed it and wasn’t a brat. Such a rare combination on this show.
Can’t wait for tonight!
@karekare, I went to the facebook page but I can’t find anything from Crystal. I see a picture of Jordan but nothing else related to her. Any advice?
@Rollingeyes
Underneath the picture of Jordan click on “view all comments” Crystal’s comment is towards the bottom.
For those of us not on Facebook, please copy and paste the comment here.
Too funny; Nikki is like a reverse idiot savant troll–she’s mentioned off handedly by three commenters (47 words) on FB and jumps right in with her 50-word rebuttal. Obviously adores the attention; ah, negative but what the hell eh? To another dumbass at a two-year-old’s social skill level, attention is attention; she accuses others of leading such dull lives but yet is scouring the net for any mention; oh honey, you are not getting your own show–give it up, you blew it and your nastiness turned people off rather than piquing their interest with what I am sure you thought was an sassy and savvy dishiness; nah, you just turned people off. Must bug her ass to see a truly polished, classy, poised girl like Alyssa who apparently competes at national level.
I can’t help but think that a lot of these girls like Faith Lynn will end up like Courtney Stodden; sad, deluded soft porn wannabe but will never be celebrities. Aside from being dumber than a sack of hammers, Stodden only way of relating is through her looks; she’s sad but funny as shit to watch. Well, actually boring now because she’s so one-dimensional. And sad. At least Honey Boo Boo is funny and they’re real whether you approve or not; it makes me laugh at how a lot of the angling for their own show people must be burning of jealousy.
CLAIR-Here is what Crystal posted on facebook:
Crystal Roberts After much consideration I am going to defend any and all actions made by me and my daughter. First of all please remember this is tv and they do cut and paste ALOT. My daughter was bragging how she accident swallowed a worm once and they asked her to eat one on tv. Jordan is not afraid of dirt or worms. The director is an awful lady and harassed and cursed my DAUGHTER the whole pageant. I could have handled things different but I did not and I melted. Alyssas family harassed my DAUGHTER the whole time. At the end the director walked up and told me the person who clapped the hardest would win. We all knew Alyssa would win. Hence why I yelled what I did. No my DAUGHTER will never win big if it means practicing 24/7 and using fake hair and fake teeth that look awful. My child is a real kid she does cheer, softball, and much more. I would rather her be outside than inside. Ask yourself why alot of these kids win over and over. They miss school travel all over the place and alot of kids are very rude. Pageant use to be fun but not anymore. They edited my comments so just know I sure as heck would never spend bill money on anything else and my porcelain dolls are NOT all over the place. They arranged them.
God, Crystal is in such denial. Yeah, Alyssa was clearly just awful, it was a conspiracy. Good thing that the director confided her judging policy in Crystal.
Also Crystal, you stupid, stupid woman. If you KNOW that your daughter won’t win big in glitz because you don’t want to use fake hair, flippers and practice all the time, then DON’T put your daughter in glitz. What a complete dunce. You’re just wasting your time and money for a fruitless endeavor. If your kid really loved pageants I would say to put her in natural pageants then, because she really is quite pretty. But she still needs a coach because she’s not graceful in the least.
“sometimes you have to fish or cut bait” is a good saying but I’m partial to the one my mother always uses: it’s time to shit or get off the pot.
Just thought I’d share.
Please, Crystal…your daughter said herself she’d rather be in the yard eating worms!
Delusion, thy name is Crystal. The child has had one lesson with a coach and has done one pageant in two years, and she thinks she’s going to win UGS?
In her defense, this is an article that ran before the show in their local paper, and I think the reporter nailed it.
http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2013301060041
@ConfusedinCanada (13) My captcha code is FUZZY WUZZY!!!!
As much as we love to snark on pageants, I don’t believe that a dietician should be preaching what is psychologically best for children that are not hers.
Back to the snarking, Crystal had to be one of the ugliest people I have ever seen, inside and out. Surprised how pretty her daughter looked made up, but don’t they say if you want to know what the daughter is going to look like, look at their mother? Yuck. Thought all the kids were cute, but Glamma certainly produced a future Miss America. I also plan to steal her nickname in about 35 years
@karekare
Do you know this woman really well or something? To be able to copy and paste what she had on facebook? Are you a crazy pageant mom hiding in behind a fake name? Just saying.. sounds kind of ironic to me.
If this woman is going to go off why in the world put her in pageants and why let T&T film them. I dont feel sorry for these people at all. They knew this before they did it so dont be crying now becuase the threw in some words and changed some things around. You get what you pay for honey!! Just Sayin!!
@ Talk It Then
Crystal’s comment is actually on T&Ts FB page, and not a personal one. You just have to dig through the 60+ comments to find it. It is a public page.
@talk it then-It was on the toddlers and tairas facebook page.
No I am not a pageant mom! My sons who are 24 and 22 refuse to let me put them in a dress and parade them on stage. They’d probably look cute though!
Im a bitch inside and out and half you people commenting are the same ones trashing my 10 year old behind my back and pretending to like me to my face. Fact is carol will go down with her pageant because everyone knows it is rigged AND poor alyssas family will continue to go broke from buying all the necessary items so the kid can win. Fact is im not DONE so bitches move aside and watch out… This mama will be back..And haha love the glitze pic hu C-
OMG! We got a hot one here! Where is everyone?!?
@KJN-Just saw your post!! A Delusina Pageant Mom strikes again, and when their particular episode has been over for a while now!! Something to get us through the rest of our Sunday!!
Well, we all knew Crystal-meth was slow but apparently slower than we thought, took her over a month to find her way over here! I had to go back and read a bit to even remember who she was and what the epi was about. This could be some fine entertainment for us with the hiatus from the show. Only time will tell…
I know! It took her awhile to suss out this site, but she finally found us! Maybe she’s not too good on the interwebs…
@crystal (meth)- How can you be nice to someone’s face while trashing them behind their backs, on the INTERNET? How does that work? Enquiring minds want to know!
I, too, had to do some rereading to recall WTH this ep was all about! I wouldn’t even have checked it if it weren’t for the recent comments section…this shit is old!
However, @crystal, since you caught up I at least have to point out that Crabby and others actually said some very nice things about your kid…and maybe some not-so-nice things about you. Whoops! Well it IS a snark site.
Probably took Crystal the whole month to figure out the captcha.
@Crystal – I love the fact that after 7 years of losing, you plan to continue with pageants and tell people to “watch out” for you. I’m sure they are running scared given your tremendous track record of mediocrity. And if anyone is going broke, Crystal, it’s the families that don’t pay their bills to pay for pageants – like you even said you do during this episode.
Let your daughter drop out of pageants and follow her own interests – she’s actually a pretty cute kid who seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I’ll assume that DNA strand came from dad.
Hope to see you next season, makes writing these recaps so much easier!
“Probably took Crystal the whole month to figure out the captcha.”
And THAT, my friends, is why T&T hiatus is such a bummer…not enough Dear Crabby.
I just re-watched this. Sigh. Poor Jordan. She is going to have a lot of character by the time she’s 18 and can leave crazytown. It’s sad that as a kid she is more savvy than her mom. I’ve been a makeup artist for 17 years, (not for pageants, fyi), and in that time I’ve never been expected to assist any of my clients or models with their outfits. That is not part of my job. That said, I probably would have helped Jordan with her collar, seems simple enough and Jordan is a good egg. The MA, aside from being busy putting makeup on another client (which IS her job) , probably had had enough of Crystal-meth at that point, so it’s hard to fault her.
Marisa, what’s really sad is people like you and me are reduced to watching this dribble again and then reading the recap with JOY! I miss my snark from Dear Crabby!
Dear wonderful Ms. Crabby we miss you!