Toddlers & Tiaras: God-Given Personalities Need a Gift Receipt

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Sunday, January 6, 2013 | 1:15 pm | 30 Comments
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Dad Matt is actually a cool dad as he wears a tiara on his head and tells Kendyl to wink at him (which she does with both eyes).  Kendyl is clearly a daddy’s girl and Matt adores her.  “Kendyl’s owned me since the day she was born,” he gushes.  “I cried for probably 45 minutes, I was bawling,” he says of her birth.  Okay, I totally love this guy, what a great dad. 

Jessica asks Kendyl to show her a “pretty girl face” and Kendyl promptly slaps her mother in the face.  God-given personality.  Luckily Matt grabs her arm and although kind of laughing, says, “No.”  Way to go, dad.

 Baby’s first right hook!

Jessica asks Kendyl for a kiss but instead she screams and slaps, then double-slaps her mother.  Jessica laughs because not disciplining your brat is super-fun when you don’t actually do it! 

In Mobile, Alabama, which looks like a really pretty city, we’re at the local Marine headquarters where they are chowing down on pizza.  Alanna, 6, tells us she’s got “mad attitude” and she does the snap across the screen.  Yeah, you also have Asian eyes which makes you look like an urban Chinese anime. 

 I am Sia-ameeese if you ple-eeease….

Mom Yolanda tells us Alanna is going to bring out the inner diva.  Dad Jeffrey is in the Marines, so hats off and I’m glad you are stationed stateside my friend.  Yolanda tells us that although Alanna started doing pageants when she was 2, they have taken the last couple of years off due to the constant moving.

 And to catch up her sleep, huh Sleepyhead?

Dad Jeffrey is absolutely a cute-patootie and he says he thinks Alanna is going to do “real well,” so kudos to America for finally producing a pageant family that speaks proper grammar, that was a nice way to start the new year.  Did I mention he’s adorable?  Because this guy?  Is adorable.

 How about a reality show on these guys?  Eh, probably too normal.

Yolanda tells us that during the 2 years Alanna competed she won about $15,000.  Of course, she doesn’t tell us what she spent on those pageants.  Then the creepy rears its head.  She tells us Alanna has an alter-ego.  “I’m Sasha Fierce!” Alanna tells us.  Oh, honey, I think that’s already taken, and the real Sasha Fierce might cut you if she knew you stole her gig.  Or she’ll just have her team of lawyers come get you.

 Alanna’s 15 minutes of fame on Soul Train.

Alanna prances around her dad’s office as the other marines and their wives look on, she does the z-snap of the 90s and shows some attitude.  “Alanna likes competing in pageants but Sasha LOVES competing in pageants,” Alanna tells us.  Rut-roh, sounds like someone has split into two in order to deal with these pageants! 

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

30 Comments

  1. 1
    kiki
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Flobee ! Dead Poodles!
    Thanks Crabby

  2. 2
    Chicken Lips
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Oh Dear Crabby – you just get this show.

    Do the Emmys give out awards for editing? The editors of this show should win it about 15 times over. I love when the parents are all “My kid is great and so well behaved!” and then they show the child being a complete hellion. It makes me giggle every single time.

  3. 3
    karekare
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Crabby the title alone made me crack up!
    Wow, I just wanted to spank Kendyl’s little ass every time she slapped her mom which was in every other scene. The more she smacked, the more Jessica laughed her, the more disgusted I got with that women. Then I wanted to smack her upside the head when she telling Kendyl to shake her butt! Grrr!
    Jozy was such a pretty little girl. Mom needs to leave the child alone! Keep her out of pageants!
    I just knew you were going to comment about the women at the makeup counter! Too funny Crabby!
    Sasha Fierce look so obnoxious up on stage! She is just not pageant-cute! Her mom’s attitude made her seem even less cute.
    I see two different dads on this episode that need to be single dads!

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    Totes agree about the genius editing, @Chicken Lips. It practically makes the show.

    T & T needs to step up the cray cray. This ep had some decent parenting, and that is absolutely NOT acceptable. Bitch-slapping-tantrum-sreaming Kendyl’s mother needs have a heart-to-heart with Jozy ‘s mother…we can’t have this whole “discipline” poppycock spreading to any more T & T moms!

  5. 5
    georgiababe
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 7:28 pm

    Alana looks like Eddie Murphy when she smiles. Really.

    Jozy was cute, but I really don’t think she likes pageants all that much. If she’s in time out all the time for misbehaving (although honestly, her mom put her in time out for making that squeaky noise which I didn’t think was fair, kids make weird noises all the time) then maybe she needs to find another hobby. She seemed really unfocused, her mother should find her an outlet where she can let out all of her energy and learn focus and discipline, like a sport or art class or something.

    Matt was so sweet, but he and Jessica really need to crack down on the discipline. Sure, she’s an adorable baby, but you definitely don’t want a 16 year old Kendyl smacking you in the face if she doesn’t get what she wants. If you giggle when you say \No\, babies just think it’s a game, they can’t learn.

    I am glad that Yolanda was a sore loser, maybe it means that poor Jeffrey won’t have to pay ridiculous amounts of money for pageants anymore.

  6. 6
    Ms Cool
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 7:31 pm

    @georgiababe – I must politely disagree. Alana looks just like Tracy Morgan. I kept waiting for his voice to come out of her mouth when she talked!

  7. 7
    georgiababe
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    I still see some Eddie Murphy (mostly because Murphy also squints his eyes in that manner when he smiles) but I can definitely see where you’re coming from with Tracy Morgan.

    Either way, not a good look for a little girl hoping to be a pageant queen…

  8. 8
    Penny Ruxpin
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    Yolanda, Alana, and Kenedryl were awful. It was the trifecta of not cute…how derby appropriate.

  9. 9
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted January 6, 2013 at 11:48 pm

    Mr Michael definitely needs to come to the party– trust me, he is a hoot! I honestly have nothing to contribute here (apart from the aforementioned fact that that \new\ tattoo was at least several weeks old), that hasn’t already been said. But I had another awesome capcha, so I had to say something. :-)

  10. 10
    rebecca pressley
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 6:14 am

    Matts eyebrows reminded me of a Seinfeld episode about a crazy Opra singer or a clown or something….but anyway, they had the same eyebrows

  11. 11
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 6:29 am

    Crabby, as always, you had me falling of my chair reading your fine recap….course, the 4 rum cokes may have helped the situation.

  12. 12
    Faye
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 7:32 am

    Can I borrow someone’s sympathetic eye? Because Kenadryl looked like she had water on the brain. She is the type of baby we in my part of the South would look at and say \bless her lil heart, look at how cute (insert anything the baby is wearing) is\

  13. 13
    talk it then
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 8:41 am

    I think Yolanda was a real unclassy bitch.. talk about a sore loser.. seems like she thought she had this pageant won from the get go.. LOL.. some never learn. I can see why Alanna or Sasha Fierce did not win. She is NOT what I would call a cute little girl. Looks like with her crinkling up that nose she had just smilled a big nasty ass fart.. LOL
    Thought Kendyl’s dad was awesome, you could really tell that he loves that child. Please get that kid away from that crazy ass mama.
    Jozy,, clearly does NOT want to do pageants. Put that child in some karate classes or something.. cute but not pageant girl material.
    The pageant director… LOVE HIM.. what a hoot. One of the very best I have ever seen.

  14. 14
    caligal
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Great recap, and I agree with the love for Dad Matt. I can’t add much, with the parents actually trying to discipline their kids, but I had to comment because my captcha is “mustachioed” and I was immediately reminded of Snausage needing an upper lip wax at the age of three. Sigh…….

  15. 15
    TurtleGirl93 TurtleGirl93
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 11:46 am

    I’m sorry but it really freaks me out when these little kids have alter egos. Madison/Tootie*, Carley/Darla(Darley), that and now Sasha Fierce?! At least the other ones didn’t have last names. Sasha Fierce sounds like she should be performing at Miss Kitty’s this weekend with my ‘work neighbor’ ChiChi Valdez!

    *Okay, maybe she got the idea from watching Hannah Montana, but I still don’t think it’s a good thing.

  16. 16
    bumblebee
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    Matt’s eyebrows reminded me of Seinfeld when Elaine drew on Uncle Leo’s eyebrows and everyone kept thinking he was really angry all the time. “All right, Leo! Calm down! No reason to get upset!”

    I wasn’t as in love with Matt as everyone else. Yes, he clearly loves his daughter, but part of loving your kids is disciplining them. That little girl was hitting HARD and both of them just laughed it off. 18 months old is old enough to know that you do not hit another person.

  17. 17
    kloewent
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    I don’t know if everyone reading these recaps has alreadys seen this, but I hadn’t. Tom Hanks doing a paradoy of T&T with his daughter! Absolutely hysterical!! Especially when he says, don’t be a Hooch, he was a bad dog!

  18. 18
    kloewent
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    whoops, my bad, I guess that isn’t really his daughter. Too bad, she is adorable!

  19. 19
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted January 7, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    O……M……G……that was the funniest effing parody video (starring Academy Award winning peeps for the love of jeebus!) I have ever seen. Brill-iant! Thanks @kloewent!!

  20. 20
    Jazzy
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm

    I love that video and that is Tom Hanks’ daughter. She’s adorable and funny!

    I thought all the kids from this epi were kind of..uh…facially challenged. The 18 month old was the best one onstage. The other two will need good coaches if they’re going to continue. Eegads, I can give out pageant advice now!

    Jozy’s mom was too fond of that time out chair. Just b/c your daughter is making a funny noise doesn’t mean she needs to be punished. She was just being goofy! Maybe she could loan the chair to Kendyl’s parents before that kid becomes unbearable.

  21. 21
    kloewent
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Hey Jazzy, it isn’t his daughter, I looked it up. He only has boys. She is an actress, very cute and talented, but a little young for Tom and Rita.

  22. 22
    wireless
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm

    The girl who plays Tom Hanks’ daughter is Nikki Hahn. She has a pretty nice list of credits on IMDB.

  23. 23
    Jazzy
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:31 am

    That’s so weird! I saw Tom Hanks on a talk show talking about this video and he said it was his daughter. I guess it was part of the joke and it went over my head!

  24. 24
    Hatched One
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Oh, Dear Crabby, you had me at “humanly challenged” ! I am dazzled by the awesomeness (is that a word?) that is yours alone.

  25. 25
    Nunya
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    Matts eyebrows reminded me of a person screaming for attention and now sadly he is screaming for his own child. Can’t wait to hear what hsi daughter thinks when they are getting ready for prom or wedding pictures! 20 years from now the tatoo will be hanging over his eyes looking really sexy!

  26. 26
    Frizzypop Frizzypop
    Posted January 9, 2013 at 7:53 pm

    OMG!! Still watching tonight’s epi but already wondering what Crabby is going to say about this collection of delusional idiots! Alyssa is the only little one who has it together here! Jordan is a pretty little girl but her mom is a total idiot! Please put that child in better clothing!! If you don’t have the money for pageant wear, don’t do it!

    Cariah’s mom…LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!! Sentence structure could be your friend….

  27. 27
    Frizzypop Frizzypop
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 9:09 am

    @Crabby – don’t know if you watch Suburgatory or not but one of the writers must be a fan of yours! One of the characters in last nights episode used the phrase “end up working the pole on Toddlers and Tiaras”!! Too funny! You have made it to the big time baby!

  28. 28
    MrsMiaWallace MrsMiaWallace
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    Ok, I know I am late to the party, but did ANYONE else get a gay vibe off the dad with the tattoos?? I know his professions and appearance don’t seem very likely but every time he opened his mouth my gaydar just went nuts!

  29. 29
    Ssarrrrah
    Posted January 10, 2013 at 2:13 pm

    Mrs. Mia, YES!! The wife and the scary tattoos obscured it a little, but yes — he seemed gay to me and I wondered if anyone here would comment on it. He may not be gay at all, but that vibe was there. I actually prefer that to the macho attitudes from some of the dads on this show. He has a lot of love in his heart.

    The wife – eh. Saying \Shake your butt,\ and \Want money?\ to a toddler to make her DANCE ON STAGE… how creepy is that?!

  30. 30
    dance mum
    Posted April 18, 2013 at 6:18 am

    I watched this episode last night, and Mr Eyebrows has got to be gay !!! Also, he was the spitting image of scarecrow from “the wizard of 0z ” !!!!!!

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