He tells us that Jozy can be an angel and a devil. Her teen years should be fun. He asks her to put on one of her (junk) crowns and she says, “I am not here,” and walks off camera. She falls of her bed and says, “I’m okay!” Too bad for us!
Back in Kendyl-land, we’re now at the Farmer’s Feed Mill which I thought would be a cool place like Tractor Supply Company but instead is a restaurant where I can only guess that they strap the feed bag onto your face and let you go to town. Jessica works here and they are using it to help Kendyl practice for the pageant because I guess the living room just wouldn’t do.
Feed Mill is right!
Jessica is putting a few of the big dining tables together to pretend it’s a stage – so head’s up diners and Health Department employees, there’s a filthy baby WALKING on the dining tables at the Feed Mill. Veeerrrrry sanitary.
Kendyl of course won’t practice correctly because she’s 18 months old and a total brat. So they put a dollar bill on the front X they’ve taped on the table and God bless if Kendyl doesn’t crawl towards it like a stripper. Matt! Your ONLY real job as a dad is to keep your daughter OFF THE POLE! Your wife isn’t helping. Can’t everyone just see Matt being like the best single dad ever? I bet he would be. Jessica, you will not be missed.
Next stop, Pole Dancin’ City!
“Bribing is very important,” Jessica says, having never read a Mr. Spock baby book or seen any of the original Star Trek episodes. I wish someone would do a Vulcan grip on her. “Shake your butt, Kendyl.” Matt! WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
“I would say Kendyl’s personality is her main strength,” Jessica says, oblivious to the fact it’s a BEAUTY pageant and Kendyl’s God-given personality blows chunks. In case she’s gone deaf, dumb and blind, Kendyl throws fits all during practice, screaming and crying and hitting. Bet the Feed Mill has cleared out.
“When Kendyl’s onstage, she lights up everybody. Everybody smiles and oohs and ahhs,” Jessica tells us. If she’s lighting anything, it’s a fire under everyone’s ass to get as far away from that screaming brat as possible. Then I think Jessica asks Kendyl if she’s a princess and she answers by slapping her mother. Her discipline? “Kendyl.” Yeah, saying her name should work. “Are you excited?” Kendyl answers by slapping again. Jessica laughs because a slapping baby is something really awesome. Then Kendyl slaps herself in the head. About damn time…and just saves me from doing it.
Oh, no, why do you have to drag the nice lady at Clinique into this hot mess? Jozy and Charlotte are at a store having Jozy’s makeup done. Okay, Clinique is not the place to do pageant makeup, a clown store is.
Hair by FLOWBEE!
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