Toddlers & Tiaras, you are killing me here with these nice kids and moms! Why do you hate me? Have the tables been turned on the audience? Remember, reality means REAL as in REAL IDIOTS so please take note and bring back the fruitcakes. They’re not just for Christmas anymore!
God, even the pageant director looks nice!
This episode takes us to Connecticut for the America’s Genuine Jewel Pageant: All Around the World with Pageant Director Chris Lafrance. Oh, so she has France in her name, so that’s why it’s all around the world? But I will tell you I did love the idea of celebrating culture from all around the world, especially, as everyone pointed out, the COUNTRY of Africa.
And this kid is either from Banana Country or Penis World, I’m not sure.
First up in Brooklyn, Connecticut, we meet a family that is outside playing together – what the hell? Do they not have video games in each of their own rooms? Who plays outside anymore? It’s like the Ingalls family, I swear.
Lacey-Mae, 8, is an adorable little girl and calls herself a pageant princess. Mom Kerry Ann needs a trip to the salon – I’d recommend booking a ½ day appointment for cut and color, but she seriously could just use some shampoo…not sure if that is some kind of leave-in conditioner, but honey, eventually you should be washing it out.
Seriously, ease up on the Dippity-Do.
Kerry Ann tells us it doesn’t matter if she’s 3 feet tall or 6 feet tall, Lacey-Mae’s personality rules the stage. Now, at this point, I wasn’t sure what she was talking about…but it turns out Lacey-Mae has a form of dwarfism and is, as we are supposed to call her, a “little person.” That will change to “rock star” very quickly.
Love me and adore me!
Lacey-Mae is a spit-fire and she is so cute. Kerry Ann says that although people often question pageants (those people are called Gasmii), she says this is for her self-esteem and damn if it isn’t working. Lacey-Mae calls herself a pageant diva, but she is anything but.
Unlike the girl representing the country of Slutty Geisha.
Up in Rochester (over? around?), New York, we meet the unfortunately named Damitri’ana, 8, and the stereotypical BET family that comes with her. Since I refuse to write that name for the next few hours, we’ll call her Ana because that’s what she’ll have to change it to when she’s an adult if she ever wants to be taken seriously. Ana is really pretty girl – beautiful eyes – and she seems to have her share of embarrassment over her mother and aunt who “fight” constantly.
Adorable girl, tragic name.
Mom Quiana, henceforth known as Quinoa since it’s healthier, is just an odd bird. Blonde wig, painted-on eyebrows and a tooth-gap even Letterman would have gotten fixed, Quinoa has a head-bob that would whiplash the best of us. She calls Ana, “A splash of fire.” Wait, what? Wouldn’t a splash put out the fire, unless that fire was gasoline or some other petroleum-based product, and then wouldn’t it explode, killing all of her brain cells?
Quinoa and her sister Marquita have a “healthy” competition that I’m hoping they are just playing up for the cameras because man, would that get old. Quinoa says that despite Ana saying she got her talent from her aunt, “At the end of the day you my kid, so it don’t even matter who you is.” American education system, you never disappoint.
Quinoa tells us that she used to do pageants as a kid and she used to model. I don’t think naked counts, but we see a picture of her and Ana together from when she had dark hair and could sort of fit into those stretch pants she’s wearing now. Sort of. Women, when will you learn those are NOT a good look, even if you are a size 0?