Toddlers & Tiaras: Most Memorable Moments

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, December 13, 2012 | 11:38 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Losing always sucks, thank God for participation passes
Which is why China continues to kick our asses
The shock, the stun, the unbelievable losses
If only you had put on several lip glosses
Losing poorly, bad sportsmanship
You should have stayed home and had a chip
Dresses from garage sales or expensive couture
Parents spending retirement money are just not mature
Yes it takes money, yes it takes more
But basically your kid is just becoming a whore
Second mortgages, second jobs Moms doing calendars and giving hand jobs

New dress or college, how do you decide?
What does it matter when you’ve been taking for a ride
Cheap sashes and trophies and sparkly crowns
All of that glitter really doesn’t get me down
Unlimited funds from Lurchy Mom to Douche Dad
Spending thousands on a costume is really not bad
Waxy-faced gram-gram helicopters to event
While unemployed people say go and get bent
Dad who buys twins a tour bus with some miles
Hire security guards who act like pedophiles

Coupon Queen June keeps things under control
And she’s riding the TLC gravy train to the pie hole
Spend money on pageants or a medical bill
You are so sick you need Dr. Phil
David is a seamstress, crazy 80s lady does consignment
Unfortunately, though, the judges don’t buy it
Working at Hooters, posing for a calendar
There’s no buying class so Oklahoma, take a gander!
Money makes pageants easier, don’t spare a cent
Just ask anyone in the forty-seven percent

A dollar makes you holla, a car prize makes you hip
Or just do what Paisley does and buy some cheese dip
Fan full of money, arm full of puppies
Most of these people couldn’t raise guppies
Pageant day is full of whining and always so stressful
Moms smoking cigs and the kids drinking Red Bull
Crying over prizes from the dollar store
Dad threatening pageant volunteers with lawyers galore
“I don’t want a normal life, this is the life that I love”
Someone please pass me a nickel-filled boxing glove

There’s Fransolonely Cutabitch and Czarina of Hate
Hard to believe they found men who agreed to mate
Fat moms, sloppy moms and those hideous mom jeans
Why in the end are they all so mean?
Think of Jamie Sterling and Mountain Dew Melissa
Both of them throwing top-shelf hissas
Kids being damaged to the left and the right
Throwing up meals, they just might
Kids blowing routines and mom throwing fits
Perhaps they need hobbies instead of getting in snits

Puerto Rican math and scores that mean bup
And shock at being the third runner up
Throwing trophies in the air and trashing on scores
Parents in denial of kids being ugly to the core
Miss Mia doing her best to impress mom gives it her all
But instead splits into Sybil at the end of the hall
Braxton and Alaska getting teeth bleached so white
Blinding them with lash extenders just seems so right
“Work it, Smoochie” and “Sparkle Baby” rules
These moms have all the esteem tools

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

19 Comments

  1. 1
    ellemenop
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    GENIUS!

  2. 2
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    You’ve done it again! You are a star for this!

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    You just won TVgasm!

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Damn, Crabby…I haven’t even read it yet but the three comments above mine are quite the endorsement!!

    I almost had a canary when I saw the T & T title on my DVR. Yay Crabby’s back! Oh, and the show, too :-)

  5. 5
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Oh Crabby I missed you so, good writing Beldar! So happy the psychos are back, and you!

  6. 6
    Lionstigersbearsohmy
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Oh my hell. This is awesome!!!! Hate the show, love the crabby!

  7. 7
    KJN KJN
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    This just may be the best thing ever.

  8. 8
    whoochile
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    here go hell come, that was amazing

  9. 9
    talk it then
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    What a mess this was.. T&T you showed all the crazies.. for those of you that have been on T&T and didn’t get shown.. Kudos to you!! Excellent job. We know you acted and had some class about yourself. I know somebody that is HEATED because she didn’t get any air time… How about it Mrs. Sparklebaybee Mickie Wood, and what happened to all your fans and followers on facebook and twitter?? Whats really going on? You poor thing. Have you gotten any education for that child of yours? I seriously doubt it. What a fiasco. I did see Cutabitch on there, surprised I didn’t see her swinging on the pole with that other lady… LOL

  10. 10
    Beth
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I questioned myself if it was a good thing or a bad thing to see us on there, lol! All I can say is thankfully it wasn’t for cray-cray behavior that we were captured 3 times!

  11. 11
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Beth, you crack me up! They need more Normal families like you :) Didn’t they show a shot of Gaby practicing during the “I don’t want to practice”?

  12. 12
    Beth
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    They did have her practicing, a shot of her laughing after crowning but they were showing it as her having a meltdown for \losing\ and then for \Judge Dead Possum\ on his head ragging on her outfit.

    Thanks ;) since we all know the normal teeth bleachers are just so much better!

  13. 13
    talk it then
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    @beth, did I hear that correctly? You are one of the crazies on that made the unforgettable horrible moments. Which one were you? There was so many cry babies, and smacking and bad behavior going on I couldn’t keep up with who was who on there.

  14. 14
    talk it then
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    @beth, now I know who you are. The last comment gave you away!!! You were the one that was mad because her daughter out modeled yours and beat your kid at the pageant. You girls have a fued going on with each other. Bleaching teeth cant be any worse than what some of these people do on this show. Do you still follow these people around just to see what her daughter does and how she wins? Just curious??

  15. 15
    georgiababe
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    My favourite moment from last year was that wagon getting away from the mom and the kid falling out of it. I watch it about 10 times and each time it just got funnier.

    Yes, I’m a terrible person.

  16. 16
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    @ georgiababe, I laughed my ass off when the little red wagon went off roading through the woods. I know it was bad, and could have been worse, but it was just so funny!!

    @ talk it then, no beth was not one of those crazy moms! She is down to earth, and her girls are great! Beth makes all the girls’ glitz dresses and other outfits.

    I am sure that all these moms have some sort of “beef” with each other. Beth had even stated that they were at the previous pageant to root for some friends….I their episode, you never saw the girls talking smack to their mom, throwing hissy fits, screaming, yelling, hitting, and all sorts of shit that these kids do. They actually look like they enjoy pageants. Also from what I “know” about Beth, I am pretty sure she wouldn’t take that shit from her girls!!

  17. 17
    Beth
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

    @talkitthen No, I don’t follow them around, I happen to have been at a pageant they were filming helping a friend and her daughter, just ironic they got us on camera. I haven’t seen them since last April and I could care less how they are doing. I wasn’t mad she “outmodeled” my daughter. Out of 100 contestants, Gabby actually finished in the top 10, so I am quite content (and was then) with the outcome. Amazing how editing makes it look like you clearly give a damn after being up 36 hours straight. And when tbat child asked for my daughters hand in the registration line so she could “break her fingers” you damn well better believe I don’t care for them. Unfortunately for you that didn’t make it on camera.

  18. 18
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Should I be ashamed that I remember every single parent and child in your non-iambic non-sensical sensation of a non-cap?

    I heart you so much and I’m thrilled to have you back in full mock.

  19. 19
    talk it then
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    @Beth, dont get so defensive.. if you are on the show it opens up a hole can of worms for you. You should know that. No need to justify what your daughter won, from what they said they acted like you were following her around. Just a word to the wise, if you dont want things said about you then dont say them about others. Just commenting on the remark made about the teeth whitening.

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