Toddlers & Tiaras: Most Memorable Moments

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Thursday, December 13, 2012 | 11:38 am | 19 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Recaps, Toddlers and Tiaras

Moms don’t care if people think they are rubes
How could they with such large back boobs?
Doing routines for their kids who will never be off the teat
Why don’t these dumbass moms just go and compete?
Beauty and looks are what make community pillars
After all, no jury would convict handsome serial killers
Slap on more makeup, slap on more cupcake,
How much more are we expected to take?

Hey – guess what?  Boys are invited too
But trust me, they all lie about balls being blue
Cruz might be cute but he ain’t no prize
And his mother has an ego of enormous size
Zander’s mom is concerned about his florist ways
But with her weight, numbered are her days
Let’s not forget Brock and his supportive mom
In this case this family can do no wrong!

Every mom learns bribery is key
But the ramifications they do not see
Giving candy, soda and promising kitty
Their parental skills are nothing short of shitty
Hatred between pageant moms really misses the mark
They really are a bunch of bitches with an itty bitty bark
Moms competing against their own is really messed up
All for bragging rights and a shiny gold cup
Bottom line is biggest boobs are the gravy train
Allowing Pageant Die-Rector Annette make it rain

Complaints about slutty costumes are rigmarole
We all know most of these girls will end up on a pole
This costume is a dominatrix, this one is a prostitute
But it’s hooker-with-the-heart-of-gold Julia Roberts, pretty astute
In it to win it, go glitz or go home
Moms always think it’s their fantastic genome
Some of these kids are really talented high-ho
With their splits, it will be easy at the gyno
Dancing, gymnastics and back flips all over the place
Insurance covering the chiro now becomes a good case

But then you have kids that suck it so bad
Who told them they could sing so rad?
Tones that are flat, moves that are stilted
Even hopes of moms in denial are now wilted
Here’s a baby that’s three days old
Yeah your parenting skills are nothing but gold
Saying the books of the Bible gives southerners their God fix
And will get you airtime on Fox News Featuring Real Dicks

Chooky moves, how we love them all!
America’s Got Talent should give her a call
Kids tearing off clothes is not my cup of tea
Although I crack up when they have to pee
Kids falling down and moms losing control
Of both of those I could have a big bowl
SamiJo continually tripping on her dress
Girls without glasses, blind like Isys
Knocking over sets, falling off of the stage
For Gasmii like us, this is all the rage

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

19 Comments

  1. 1
    ellemenop
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    GENIUS!

  2. 2
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    You’ve done it again! You are a star for this!

  3. 3
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    You just won TVgasm!

  4. 4
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Damn, Crabby…I haven’t even read it yet but the three comments above mine are quite the endorsement!!

    I almost had a canary when I saw the T & T title on my DVR. Yay Crabby’s back! Oh, and the show, too :-)

  5. 5
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:31 pm

    Oh Crabby I missed you so, good writing Beldar! So happy the psychos are back, and you!

  6. 6
    Lionstigersbearsohmy
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    Oh my hell. This is awesome!!!! Hate the show, love the crabby!

  7. 7
    KJN KJN
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    This just may be the best thing ever.

  8. 8
    whoochile
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    here go hell come, that was amazing

  9. 9
    talk it then
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 1:11 pm

    What a mess this was.. T&T you showed all the crazies.. for those of you that have been on T&T and didn’t get shown.. Kudos to you!! Excellent job. We know you acted and had some class about yourself. I know somebody that is HEATED because she didn’t get any air time… How about it Mrs. Sparklebaybee Mickie Wood, and what happened to all your fans and followers on facebook and twitter?? Whats really going on? You poor thing. Have you gotten any education for that child of yours? I seriously doubt it. What a fiasco. I did see Cutabitch on there, surprised I didn’t see her swinging on the pole with that other lady… LOL

  10. 10
    Beth
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:06 pm

    I questioned myself if it was a good thing or a bad thing to see us on there, lol! All I can say is thankfully it wasn’t for cray-cray behavior that we were captured 3 times!

  11. 11
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 7:14 pm

    Beth, you crack me up! They need more Normal families like you :) Didn’t they show a shot of Gaby practicing during the “I don’t want to practice”?

  12. 12
    Beth
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    They did have her practicing, a shot of her laughing after crowning but they were showing it as her having a meltdown for \losing\ and then for \Judge Dead Possum\ on his head ragging on her outfit.

    Thanks ;) since we all know the normal teeth bleachers are just so much better!

  13. 13
    talk it then
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    @beth, did I hear that correctly? You are one of the crazies on that made the unforgettable horrible moments. Which one were you? There was so many cry babies, and smacking and bad behavior going on I couldn’t keep up with who was who on there.

  14. 14
    talk it then
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    @beth, now I know who you are. The last comment gave you away!!! You were the one that was mad because her daughter out modeled yours and beat your kid at the pageant. You girls have a fued going on with each other. Bleaching teeth cant be any worse than what some of these people do on this show. Do you still follow these people around just to see what her daughter does and how she wins? Just curious??

  15. 15
    georgiababe
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    My favourite moment from last year was that wagon getting away from the mom and the kid falling out of it. I watch it about 10 times and each time it just got funnier.

    Yes, I’m a terrible person.

  16. 16
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    @ georgiababe, I laughed my ass off when the little red wagon went off roading through the woods. I know it was bad, and could have been worse, but it was just so funny!!

    @ talk it then, no beth was not one of those crazy moms! She is down to earth, and her girls are great! Beth makes all the girls’ glitz dresses and other outfits.

    I am sure that all these moms have some sort of “beef” with each other. Beth had even stated that they were at the previous pageant to root for some friends….I their episode, you never saw the girls talking smack to their mom, throwing hissy fits, screaming, yelling, hitting, and all sorts of shit that these kids do. They actually look like they enjoy pageants. Also from what I “know” about Beth, I am pretty sure she wouldn’t take that shit from her girls!!

  17. 17
    Beth
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 10:10 am

    @talkitthen No, I don’t follow them around, I happen to have been at a pageant they were filming helping a friend and her daughter, just ironic they got us on camera. I haven’t seen them since last April and I could care less how they are doing. I wasn’t mad she “outmodeled” my daughter. Out of 100 contestants, Gabby actually finished in the top 10, so I am quite content (and was then) with the outcome. Amazing how editing makes it look like you clearly give a damn after being up 36 hours straight. And when tbat child asked for my daughters hand in the registration line so she could “break her fingers” you damn well better believe I don’t care for them. Unfortunately for you that didn’t make it on camera.

  18. 18
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 11:38 am

    Should I be ashamed that I remember every single parent and child in your non-iambic non-sensical sensation of a non-cap?

    I heart you so much and I’m thrilled to have you back in full mock.

  19. 19
    talk it then
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    @Beth, dont get so defensive.. if you are on the show it opens up a hole can of worms for you. You should know that. No need to justify what your daughter won, from what they said they acted like you were following her around. Just a word to the wise, if you dont want things said about you then dont say them about others. Just commenting on the remark made about the teeth whitening.

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