This degrades us both.
So…what’s new with everyone? Is anyone even reading this recap after the minicap? We’ve been such a quiet bunch this week, must be all the calamari we’ve been ingesting. Speaking of heartburn, the “Me and My Pet Pageant” for this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras brings together a menagerie of animals, Delusiona moms and a housekeeping task of ultimate proportions (I’m guessing). Let this week’s crazy begin!
You know this thing is getting flushed right after the pageant.
Pageant Director Jill Worley has apparently never heard the idiom about never working with kids or pets because she has both in the clusterf#ck of a pageant. What the hell is she thinking? This has lawsuit written all over it. And what hotel would actually agree to this? If you can’t trust these people to raise their kids with manners, what the hell do you think their pets are going to do to your rooms?
However, this thing has the WHOLE PACKAGE.
First up in Paragould, Arkansas, we meet Karley, 6, and her pet snake Slither! “We’re going to squeeze out the competition,” Karley says, holding and kissing the snake. Heee. Mom Crystal says Karley is a Harley-riding, snake-loving pageant princess. Finally a kid we can get behind! Does she have any tramp stamps yet?
So, Show and Tell got a little awkward at school this year.
Karley has no fear in handling the snake, which is impressive. Crystal calls the snake “cute, cuddly and friendly,” and I can see one of those. Slither spends his time wrapped around Karley or in Barbie’s Dream House, which has got to freak out Skipper for sure. She tells us that Slither will only eat white rats – if one has spots on it, he won’t eat it. Racist snake! And I bet he would if he were hungry enough. In fact, I bet he’d eat squid if pushed far enough. However, kudos to our editing friends for notcutting to a shot of him eating a rat, that probably would have been it for me.
Looks like Ken took his Viagra!
“I’m going to have the coolest pet at the pageant,” Karley says. I would agree. “Snake Power!” she whispers. This kid is awesome.
And so is her really nice mom, YAY!
Over in Johnsonville, South Carolina, home to a sign that reads, “Choose Heaven or Hell in 2012,” (I choose Hell, I’d rather be with friends), we meet the family of the week, mom Kelly and twins Giavanna and Alycesaundra, 4. “I hear about moms complaining about one pageant kid, and I’m like ‘Shut up, ya hag. Try it with two.’” Uh…whose fault is THAT, Kelly? If it’s that hard, you know you can actually, you know, NOT DO PAGEANTS.
Bra fitting or a different top, that’s all I’m saying.
The twins are fraternal and Kelly tells us they couldn’t be more different. More different than their DNA being different? She says Aly (I will not be spelling that stupid name for the next few pages) is a “fireball with a ton of personality” while Gia just breathes. Through her mouth.
One daughter rocks, the other is a rock.
“I’m just a realist,” Kelly says. No, you seem to be Jamie Sterling 2.0, just on perhaps a more subtle level. “I’ve got one kid who’s a brat and one kid who is great,” she jokes. Okay, so it’s not subtle.
Mob Wives, The Early Years.
Kelly tells us they have a farm that is kind of their little zoo, and we see horses and cows and turkeys and chickens and sheep and wow that’s a lot of poop to shovel.
I spoke too soon…it’s Real Housewives of Arkansas, The Early Years.