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Dad shows up with “Butterball,” which is not the turkey but instead a little lamb. Awww. Aly’s routine is with the lamb while Gia’s is with a turkey. That sounds like a recipe for disaster as well as therapy when the kids hit puberty.
Kelly says at this pageant they will have the most unusual pets. “We’re going to win…we ALWAYS win,” she says, jinxing it to high heaven. Then the lamb pees on the rug and they all laugh.
In Conway, Arkansas, we meet another karate-chopping kid, Kali, 5, and her mother Chante who calls her a “Pageant Ninja.” Excellent. “I’m going to chop the competition!” Kali says.
Kali has won talent in every competition because she’s a yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do – or because from the looks of it, she practices and knows her shit. Kid really has some confidence and she’s adorable.
“Kali has never won big titles, so we’re looking forward to winning that grand supreme,” Chante says. I don’t get this logic – she’s neverwon a big title so you are looking forward to winning a big title? Isn’t this an example of the insanity definition? Keep doing what you’re doing and expecting different results?
During practice, Chante tells Kali to smile and “Show ‘em your silver teeth.” She explains to us that Kali has silver teeth, “And of course I did too when I was younger,” she laughs. Now I totally thought she had braces because I had those old silver ones that wrapped all the way around your teeth (ah, those were the days of metal-mouth-mania), but it turns out her baby teeth are capped in silver.
As many of you mentioned, this could be from her baby teeth rotting from formula and falling asleep with the bottle in her mouth. That is horrifying! I had not heard of that outside of Mt. Dew mouth, so this kind of grossed me out. And it’s kind of sad, especially if it happened to Chante and she didn’t learn from it for her kid. I mean…doyeeeee.
Chante tells Kali to get Buster the dog out of his crate, then she tells us Kali’s talent is doing Tae Kwon Do to Kung Fu Panda. What the hell is that? If she had said Hong Kong Phooey, I wouldn’t have had to look that up! Chante says adding the dog makes it more exciting. Wait, is she going to chop that dog in half?!?!?
Buster is a shitz tzu who wags his tail and seems pleasant until all of a sudden he goes grumpy old man on our asses and growls and snaps. My kind of dog. I’d be kind of pissed too if some dumbass kid was yanking me all over the place with a leash.
Kali says she wants to win the Me and My Pet pageant, but Buster “stresses me out.” Maybe he hates that camouflage shirt you have on him.
Back in Twin Citytownville, Kelly wants to go through the Closet of Mayem, Foolishness and Glitter, otherwise known as pageant dress hell. She tells us she spends a lot of money on the things the girls need. No – it’s actually what you want them to have. What they need is food, shelter and a good education, not Bedazzled thousand-dollar dresses.
“I’ve probably spent a half a million dollars or better on pageants at this point,” Kelly admits without one ounce of embarrassment. Now I am not a bleeding-heart liberal by any means, but I can tell you she could have done a lot better with that money. Those kids could be fluent in Mandarin right now or she could have donated that money to the Save the Lambs from Stupid Pageants fund.