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Over in Sugar Land, Texas, we meet Jayla, 6, who says she’s a pageant superstar. Which is why this is the first time we’re hearing about her. Mom Jamesia says Jayla started pageants when she was 18 months old (hear THAT, Loni?) and with one win, they were hooked. Just like crack.
Going through the pageant clothes, Jamesia pulls out some ugly black boy shoes and when Jayla questions it, Jamesia has to remind her she’s wearing a suit for the Motown category, and you can’t wear high heels with a suit. Actually, you can, but I see her point. But with all the glam of Motown women you can choose from, why would you put your pageant-competing daughter in a man’s outfit? That seems like an odd choice.
“The judges won’t be expecting Jayla to pull off a male Motown artist,” Jamesia says. Yes, I’m sure her dressing in a little boy’s suit is totally going to BLOW THEIR MINDS. Jayla, on the other hand, makes stinky face because she is so not feeling this. Is this the first time she’s heard about it? “I am not excited about” dressing like a boy, she interviews.
Jayla interviews she wants to win the million dollars they are handing out to the ultimate grand supreme. Uh-huh. Look, I know Annette loves to make it rain money at pageants, but I’m guessing even she’s not making a million. She’s probably lucky to pay her bills each month!
“What would you buy with it?” Jamesia asks Jayla. “Lotta Barbie toys,” Jayla says, clearly a girl after my heart. “WHAT?!?!” Jamesia snots back. Yes, it is SO UNUSUAL for a little girl to want Barbies.
And finally, in Humble, Texas, we meet chimp-girl Chloe and our newest Gasmii commenter, “Chloe’s DaD,” along with spineless wife and overbearing, still-holding-the-apron-strings mother-in-law, who is the reckless driver behind the pageant accident that is this family.
Chloe, 3, asks her grandmother to announce her into the living room, and she comes prancing in all flirty. She says she loves to get in sparkly dresses (right there with ya, Chloe!) and then she makes a chirping scream noise, clearly calling for the rest of the clan.
Grandma Lana admits that she and Chloe are “pageant newbies,” which is always code for “we’re going to screw up but good.” Lana says that she was very skeptical of parents who said their kids wanted to be in pageants until it happened to her. Which I doubt, because Chloe is three and where the hell is she going to get that idea except maybe from I don’t know, GRANDMA?