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It’s the Miss Mardi Gras Pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras! Frequent commenter and Pageant Director Extraordinaire Tonya Bailey joins us for the fun and craziness that only a southern pageant can bring us.
Tonya tells us there’s nothing too over-the-top about this pageant and it’s all going to be about bling. Well, that and mothers freaking out every which way but up. She says Mardi Gras is all about throwing some beads (keep your shirt on, Tonya!) but this one is about throwing crowns, then she cracks up like she’s crazy. She sure picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue…although she’s going to need it once some of these moms show up. In fact, we ALL are. Gasmii, uncap your bottles…
First up in Atlanta, Texas, mooooo, we meet screamin’ Tori who is making farty noises with some can of…farts. “I’m gassy and I work out!” she screams. I think Jamie Lee Curtis has some yogurt that might help that.
Tori says everyone in the whole world thinks she’s cute, but really, I just think she’s loud. Mom Ali asks her which crown is her favorite and Tori points one out that was grand supreme. “They’re all mostly grand supreme,” Ali brags. Hold that thought, sister.
“Everyone who doesn’t think my daughter Tori is a star, is ignorant,” she says. Or they just are a little more objective than you are. “She’s good at absolutely everything she does.” Aren’t we all in our mothers’ minds?
“Everything she’s ever touched has went to gold,” Ali says. Then perhaps she should touch your grammar, sister. Then Tori shows us her gold touch by snotting off about a dress her mother thinks is pretty but she doesn’t. Then she starts to pout and whine. Meh.
Ali tells us her “biggest annoyance” are children who shouldn’t be at pageants. She says that pretty kids with good personalities don’t need expensive dresses. “Ugly kids need an expensive dress,” she says. “You don’t want them to look ‘atcher face.” I really don’t want to look at yours right now, the inside ugly is rearing its ugly head outside with those faces you keep making.
She continues this line of thought with the “you either have it or you don’t” and the brilliant, “You see a girl in a big fluffy pageant dress? Her momma knows she’s ugly.” Or her momma ain’t living in a trailer trying to make ends meet while participating in a scam of a hobby. “Just sayin’,” she finishes.