Let’s get started with this week’s mayhem and mischief of Toddlers & Tiaras. Santa did not deny us any goodies with this episode as it brings in bratty kids, a freakish group of parents and one of our favorites, Pageant Die-rector Annette Hill!
Who has really lowered her standards!
Annette starts us out with “It’s the night before Glitzmas…” but she doesn’t really think it all through before she tells us not a creature was stirring because actually, they were all glitzing their dresses. Which leads me to believe they were stirring heartily with a glue gun and lots of misplaced hope.
Her “Universal Royalty Pageant – Christmas Explodes” event includes a Christmas Wear section, so you know we’re all in a few lumps of coal. And boy, do they come our way during the Christmas Wear/talent section. I’m wincing just thinking about it.
First up, in Houston, Texas, we meet Katlyn, 3, who can barely form words and mom Kymberli, who forms too many. Kymberli tells us that Katlyn was “born into royalty” because she’s the fifth generation of pageant women in the family. It started with the great grandmother who is now 87, which makes me wonder if her pageant talent wasn’t just plowing 40 acres with her mule.
She really should apply some conditioner during naptime today.
Katlyn’s grandmother Kelli says Katlyn doesn’t have to worry about bringing home a bigger crown, “You know why? Because she’s gonna bring it.” Do these people ever run their sentences through a filter first?
Jesus will provide what a coach does not.
Katlyn doesn’t want to try on anything for the pageant, go figure, then Kymberli takes us via the Kardashian route of parenting (so many Ks today!) by ignorantly telling us, “I want her to take over the Hollywood, I want to have her name in lights, I just want her to take over the world.”
Like a convenient store, this mouth is open 24/7.
Per usual, she does not explain HOW or WITH WHAT SPECFICI TALENT? These stupid parents nowadays are all about the fame without substance. Does anyone have any true talent anymore, or do they just do sex tapes then turn their cooters into a national brand that is highlighted every goddamn week the show formerly known as The Today Show: Now With No Actual News But Still Full of Donnie Deutsch and His Rampant Nipples?
Seriously, shut up already.
In Pasadena, Texas, we meet our creepiest family of the episode, Super-Gay Weekend Dad Chris, sponsored by Crest Whitestrips, and his sad little shell of a daughter, Hailey.
Um, yeah. Straight as a pin.
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