Hailey gets onstage, stands up with her Mr. Microphone and sings, “Up on the housetop, click, click, click” in THE WORST SINGING VOICE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD!
MY EARS! MY EARS!
Then it just becomes fuzz with the feedback from the microphone, she’s completely off-key and off-tempo, the judges look horrified, the audience looks horrified, the sound crew wets themselves silly and one of the judges says the routine was totally not age-appropriate.
A close-up of Twitchy tells us he knows that they’ve not only lost the battle, but the war AND reconstruction all in just a few simple notes. Notes that his daughter could not his with a giant bat.
Does his neck creak when he tilts his head like this?
Maybe Santa will put some WD-40 in his stocking, ba-dum-bum.
Twitchy says in retrospect he’s not sure what was so secret about it. I think the level of suckiness was the secret – no one could have seen that coming! Dad tries to be supportive and enthusiastic and Hailey wants him to curl up and die.
I know, GOD!
Judging! They loved Katlyn’s orange dress but she did not have pretty feet, hands or posture; Ava was “fabulous” but she got upset very quickly when things didn’t go her way and it was very visible “and that starts at home” (snort!); Hailey was very nervous but for a pageant newbie she did well. However, I am calling bullshit on them not letting us see what they said about her singing unless it was just that mean (if that’s the case, judges, just email the transcript of the commentary to TVgasm separately and we’ll keep it on our website – nice and quiet, we swear).
Seriously, what the shit is going on here?
CROWNING! Hailey is a little too enthusiastic right now for what we ALL know is going to happen.
Non-verbals tell us everything we need to know.
Grandma Kelli asks for more deodorant but honey, your pits are huge. We don’t have space for that much deodorant in the room. Monica is sure Ava is going to win. Ah, our old friend Delusiona rears her ugly head.
Most Beautiful…not Katlyn or Ava. Monica is pissed. Most Photogenic…Katlyn! Best Dressed…Katlyn! Grandma Kelli rings a cowbell and screams, “HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS! HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS!” OMG shut the hell up already! Even Annette laughs and is like, “Okay…” but she says it in such a way that it clearly means, “Shut up or security will forcibly remove you!”
THIS IS ONE SITUATION THAT DOES NOT NEED MORE COWBELL!
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