Toddlers & Tiaras Recap: I’ve Got Your Glitszmas Right Here!

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Sunday, December 16, 2012 | 7:34 pm | 25 Comments
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Twitchy interviews that he’s hoping Hailey can become better at conversations and that’s something he’s working on with her.  By not talking to her at all.  I mean, have you considered asking her questions?  Finding something SHE’S actually interested in and asking her opinion?  What about Toastmasters as a last resort?  They must have a junior division.

“Tell her about your dress…it will make the time go by quicker,” Twitchy pleads.  So instead of talking about how pretty it is, she says, “My dress cost $4000.”  Which is exactly what an Asian woman working in a mani/pedi sweatshop wants to hear from a nine year old American.  This poor woman is probably a neurosurgeon back in her native country, her medical license just doesn’t translate to America because of the metric system or something.

You stupid Americans deserve to be ruled by the Chinese!

Shumei tells us she never had a dress that cost $4000, probably because they used that money to transport her family of 50 from her native country to the US.  “I can buy the car,” she says.  And you probably could engineer and build it, too, while here in the U.S. we watch Mama June scratch neck crud from her chinfolds.

Twitchy does give it one final college try.  “What are you thinking about Hailey?”  “Hm?” she asks.  “What are you thinking about?” Twitchy asks again and Hailey answers, “Nothing,” and Twitchy smiles and says, “Completely spiders and cobwebs?” motioning to his head.  He’s pissed and hiding it not so well.

Did you just cut one?

“Between wearing the artificial nails and the expensive dress, she’s ready,” he says.  Oh, Twitchy, you really don’t watch the show, do you?  “She seems excited and I know she’s going to have a wonderful time.”  You used a high-powered drill with a Phillips head bit to get this screwed, didn’t you? 

Hailey yawns.  Twitchy grimaces and checks his chartreuse phone for messages from anyone – including his phone company about his data usage.  At least that would have some personality.

Oh crap, back with Ava.  Monica says Ava has a five-minute attention span for practicing but I think that’s her being generous.  Dumbass Dad Victor says they bribe her with candy and toys.  Monica tells us that if Ava wins this pageant she’s getting diamond earrings that are so big you can see them from a mile away.  Ironically, you can only see Monica’s brain with a microscope.

Lump of coal coming your way, Ava…only because I’m about to throw it at you!

Ava refuses to practice as Monica says all that she does is transfer money from their savings to their checking account.  Clearly, it’s well worth it since Ava is an absolute horror and not very polished.  Maybe she’ll pull it together at the pageant.  HAHAHAHA, oh, I kill myself sometimes.

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

25 Comments

  1. 1
    Chicken Lips
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 9:27 pm

    Oh, DC – hilarious as always. My favorites? “Points off, punk!” and the bad signing causing bed wetting problems.

    I think that Hailey’s mom got herself into trouble and convinced her BFF to marry her and raise the baby because no way would Twitch do anything so ewwwy as copulating with a woman.

    It’s brats like Ava that make me want to get knocked up so that I’ll be a parent so they won’t be able to say, “Well, you don’t have kids” when I point out what a terrible parenting job they are doing and how their children are unholy beasts. On the other hand, I don’t want to have kids because then all I’d hear from them all day is “So and so gets to do this, so and so gets to do that, so and so’s mom isn’t as mean as you!” and I would get tired of pointing out that So and so is going to get up waitressing at a truck stop or learning how to say “Do you want fries with that?’ and my kid will become a productive member of society.

  2. 2
    LadyStardust
    Posted December 16, 2012 at 10:02 pm

    The spelling of Katlyn was driving me nuts. I keep saying it “Cat-Lynn” in my head. It should be “Katelynn” or “Kaitlyn”. Or Kaitelyyynnn or whatever. But NOT “Katlyn”.

  3. 3
    Lurker
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 1:00 am

    Excellent recap! Twitches teeth really scared me. I really liked Hailey’s dress, but I agree that it was more of a Golden Globe and not a pagent dress. One thing I do want to point out is the microphone Hailey used to sing in. The microphone is a toy microphone that is supposed to come out sounding like an elf. I bought the exact same toy at walmart for my kids and they think its fun to play with because they can be “elfs”. To me, that is why she sounded so bad, and why she was dressed as an elf.

  4. 4
    ellemenop
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:07 am

    oh, crabby, how I longed for the return of your recaps, and it was everything I dreamed of. seeing my name in lights on my way to take over Hollywood and the world? just the anchovies on the supreme pie.

  5. 5
    PageantMomOf2
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Oh Crabby. My fave was the “dick in a box” comment! I will just leave that one alone!!!!

    I’ve met kymberli and katlyn several times and they are the nicest people. They cheer for all the kids that compete and always have a good attitude. They are a really fun family that is pleasant to be around and face it, you don’t see that much in pageantry.

    I’ve seen mr creepy white strips somewhere, but haven’t decided where. I’m thinking he may be friends with that creepy wanna be manager Blake. Maybe that’s the connection. Hailey is really sweet and needs to go join an academic club where she will feel comfortable and excel.

    As far as Ava and her clueless slave, er mom, whoop that butt! That will solve a lot right there. Poor brother. Parents are clueless. Maybe they should put her in boxing?

  6. 6
    Sam
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 8:31 am

    Was anyone else distracted by Twitchy’s groomed eyebrows and curled and mascara’d lashes? Did he have jaw implants?

  7. 7
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 8:40 am

    I can’t help but wonder if Hailey has seen the show before and doesn’t want to be paraded around like a show poodle for “dad”. My other thought is that “Twitchy” borrowed Hailey from a relative and is saying the she’s his kid to get on TV.

    Dear Crabby, I have missed you so much, I had resorted to going back and reading all the recaps and comments, yes I’m hanging my head in shame that I was that desperate. But what surprised me was some of the comments were brand new on a show recap from 2 years ago. But you handled the comment response like a champ. I have missed you.

  8. 8
    Sam
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 8:55 am

    WTH is Twitchy wearing in the glamour shot? A tennis dress? The picture should be on a Photoshop Fail page with that left arm.

  9. 9
    merry
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 9:33 am

    Hailey looked so uncomfortable with her “dad,” that either she’s barely ever met him or he recently had major plastic surgery that is still weirding her out. I can’t be sure of course, but seeing him and “mom” together, I got a huge, “woman who always wanted a baby turned to gay best friend for a sperm donation” vibe. I felt really bad for her because she was so pretty, but so unprepared, and her reaction to losing made me feel like “dad” had set her up for a big fall.

    Katlyn was a cutie (crazy as her family was, they were very supportive), and Ava was the kind of little brat who’s only fun to watch on TV. Her parents deserve everything that’s coming to them with this one! (I did feel bad for her poor brother…seems like he got all the brains in that family.)

  10. 10
    greenmonster
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 11:12 am

    I just saw some clips of Hailey and Twitchy-Dad, but even those three minutes left me with a \WTF?\ They have no chemistry together, there is nothing between them. I guess he was married to Hailey’s Mom right after High School, before he came out. After seven years both of them couldn’t deny any longer that he was gay and decided to get a divorce. As a final goodbye she got pregnant and he got the bleach. Now Twitchy never really cared about his offspring until he realized that you can put her (and himself) on TV. Some people even get their own show… That was the time he called his Ex-Wife and convinced her that it would be a great idea to put Hailey, not only in pageants but also on TNT. First Hailey was excited, when she heard her Dad finally wanted to meet her, but then she realized it was all just a stunt so he could be on TV. Hailey decided it was about time to show him off. I guess Hailey did some things on purpose to see Twitchy freak out – smart girl. At least I guess that’s it what happend in this family, because it would explain so much.

  11. 11
    TurtleGirl93 TurtleGirl93
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Oh my word. I’m sitting here reading the recap (yay for the return of T&T!) and eating my annual holiday Muddy Buddies (although I grew up hearing it called Puppy Chow, and K8 Gosselin referred to it as Monky Munch). Turns out that a food covered in powdered sugar is not optimal when reading an LOL-worthy recap. I inhaled that one particular of powdered sugar that wasn’t absorbed into the peanut butter-chocolatey goodness and ended up in tears.

    I was hoping that one of our pageanteers can fill us in our Twitchy and Hailey, but I guess that won’t happen if they’re new to the pageant circuit. (Unless this was filmed for Christmas ’11??)

  12. 12
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    ok, Every time you called Hailey’s dad Twitchy, I was thinking that Kim Richards from RHBH was going to come slinking onto my screen.

    I tried to watch this the other night when the rerun came on, but I was in bed, and MR Z woke up and was like, goddam what are the cats doing? I was like, no, the cats are fine I am watching Toddlers and Tiaras, one of the brats is screaming again. He shook his head, and told me I was going to break the TV…then he fluffed his pillow and went back to bed….Thursday I tried watch it from my DVR but he cleaned it out…Luckily I have Crabby to tell me all about it.

    From what I was able to watch…Ava…yeah she is a screaming little brat that needs a good long sit in time out…or parents that will actually say no to that child. Either or, she can come to my house for the weekend and learn some manners!! The again a weekend with her, my ovaries might shrivel up!

    I actually liked Hailey’s dress….but if it would have been cupcake, I would have loved it more! All I could think of when I saw her dad was, no way!! No way was this man ever married! But hey, to each their own…

    I will try to find the episode so I can dish more…So Glad the show is back, and I am so excited for DC recaps!!

    Let the Delusiona commence!! :)

  13. 13
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    @TurtleGirl–with TLC it is possible that this was maybe in the past month or so…They can be pretty fast with editing episodes. But who really knows. I just remember seeing a commercial with Alana in it for a holiday special or something crazy. They are dressed as pilgrims so who knows…

    TLC/Discovery have some crazy shows..and hell yes I am watching them for some reason!! MR Z hates T&T but he likes Amish Mafia…

  14. 14
    Goodnight
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 2:09 am

    Oh my god. The prayers? The 5 generations of beauty queens? The snowglobe?

    Oh, Toddlers and Tiaras. Please never change. I love you.

  15. 15
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 7:17 am

    “Also, I don’t think Dick in a Box is really an appropriate costume fr this venue”…. Oh Dear Dear Crabby, how I have missed your glorious snark! That line alone still has me chuckling!!!!

    So happy the madness that is T & T has returned. That being said, Twitchy is easily the creepiest gay man I have ever seen! He makes David (Ava’s Dad) look normal! I refuse to believe he stuck his weenie (teenie I’m sure) in that woman, petri dish is more like it. Poor Hailey, being stuck with that idiot, she clearly sees his ick factor.

    As for Katlyn without an “e”- adorable, but why do people pray to Jesus at pagenats? Morons, like he doesn’t have better shit to do.

    As for Ava, send her to my house, and I will gladly kick her little behind, what a f-ing brat. I agree with merry, her parents do deserve what’s coming, and I am “praying to Jesus” I can see the fallout!!!

  16. 16
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 1:46 pm

    Ava needed an ass whupping, but so did Hailey.
    Honestly, I’m surprised that she was crying like that. Here I am thinking that she’s mature and doesn’t actually care about the pageant, and she was freaking out worse than anyone.
    Clearly, she cared the entire time and was just pretending not to smh.

  17. 17
    Laura Gill Laura Gill
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm

    Made the mistake of reading this recap and then taking a nap. Nightmares about Twitchy and his teeth. Mostly about his teeth. *shudder*

  18. 18
    BedHeadJen
    Posted December 18, 2012 at 9:35 pm

    Welcome back, DC! I think that elfin’ disaster of a talent was done on one of those Merry-oke microphones from the Hallmark store. It is a voice changing thing which is supposed to make your voice sound like an elf. SURPRISE!

  19. 19
    Aussie
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 4:50 am

    Ohh how great we have caught up to you guys here in Oz!! This was such a creepy episode for so many reasons, and yet boring at the same time. If he’s straight I’ll eat my hat! The elf scene was car crash material, can’t look and yet can’t look away…poor girl, get her out while she has a shred of dignity left. If she was on TV here doing that she’d have a lifetime of bullying ahead of her :( and not just because she’s a ranger!!
    Bring it on, looking forward to ”real time” recaps here in hot Melbourne!

  20. 20
    Gracie Lou Freebush
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm

    Dear Crabby, will you review the new show Cheer Perfection? Pretty please????

    Super Gay Dad irritated me. He was so overbearing, and I hated his creepy smiles at inappropriate times. Hailey is a lovely girl and just seemed completely crushed by the pageant experience. Yes, she got a little snotty at the end, but she is a NINE year old child. She’d probably reached the end of her rope by the end of the day.

  21. 21
    Frizzypop
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 6:28 pm

    You were so much nicer to Twitchy than I thought you would be! The whole time I was watching I couldn’t wait to hear what you had to say about him. He just made me want to take a chlorine shower and bleach my eyes…

    Good job as usual, you were missed!

  22. 22
    Frizzypop
    Posted December 19, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    Oh my goodness, this weeks epi…. Am I the only one who is disturbed by the dad when he says, “here you go, eat this for luck” and gives the fat kid yet more food?!! Hello Type 1 diabetes!!! WOW!!

  23. 23
    georgiababe
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 2:51 am

    I would have commented on this recap earlier, but Twitchy’s teeth seared my retinas and I’ve only just recovered.

    I’m preaching to the choir here, but Ava desperately needed to be spanked. If I ever acted that way towards my parents or my siblings, I would have been spanked and grounded immediately for being an entitled little snot. I found it really gross that not only did Ava’s parents not punish her after she hit her brother, but they didn’t even make her apologize. Disgusting.

    Glad to have you back again for another delightful season Crabby, the snark is oh so sweet.

  24. 24
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted December 20, 2012 at 8:34 am

    Finally saw the epi last night in a pre-new show rerun.

    T&T, and we the audience, were punk’d.

    There is no way flamer dad and use-the-money-for-college daughter were not part of an ensemble of actors looking for a way to get gigs.

    It’s the T&T equivalent of the baby snatching osprey.

  25. 25
    Rainbow
    Posted December 26, 2012 at 6:49 pm

    I have to say that I really liked Hailey’s dad. He is pretty much alone raising his child. I think I would recommend to him that he find out what Hailey enjoys doing. She seems smart and mature. If she’s interested in science, math, whatever – embrace THAT. She seemed very uncomfortable with pageants, although she’s a pretty young girl. The dad clearly loves her.

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