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The Cheetah-licious pageant of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras comes to us from Quapaw, Oklahoma, home of the fierce and big-cat meowing pageant director Jill Worley. This is actually a cute idea, based on a safari theme, and looks like they actually took some time putting together a cool stage.
Jill tells us that as a full-glitz pageant, they just love the transformation of little girls into adult-looking “Nineteen or twenty year olds.” Just as an FYI, Jill, the rest of us find that suuuuper creepy. You don’t see this happening with boys, do you? “We’re about making them become better women for our future,” Jill says. If our future consists of nothing but poles, then yes.
First up, in Blytheville, Arkansas, we meet the whiny brat of the episode, Bella, 2, who hates, hates, hates pageants and hates them some more. And then she hates them again. Her favorite word is “NO!” which is kind of par for the course for 2 year old kids, especially those who HATE PAGEANTS.
Mom Lana makes me want to smack the shit out of her when she says, “This is Bella’s world, we all just live in it.” Can’t wait to see how that goes over when Bella has to get a job.
Lana says the day she found out she was having a girl, she started looking for pageant dresses and pageants that were coming up around her due date. Because if there is one thing a new baby needs, it’s to be paraded around like a poodle so her chubby mom can feel that she has value.
Someone off-camera asks Bella if she likes pageants and she says no about a thousand times. Excellent. Lana tells us that Bella has done 150-175 pageants, which I’m not sure I’m buying since that means she’s done 6-7 a month over her 2-year lifetime. Is she packing in 2 or 3 a weekend? I’m calling bullshit. Also, Lana might want to get a life.
“What makes Bella win is that she’s very poised and very elegant,” Lana tells us as the crack editors show us footage of Bella making fart noises with her hands. “I farted,” she said. Verrrry elegant indeed!
Lana continues with her delusion while she tells us pageants have “opened Bella up to being very outgoing. Very outspoken.” Mom feeds her the line, “No one can beat me!” and Bella blows a raspberry.