Bringing the “Fiesta” theme to Charlotte, North Carolina is the Stars’n Glitz pageant on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Pageant Director Carla Smith makes up for her boring last name by wearing every accoutrement found in Claire’s Boutique and Forever 21. It’s the kind of thing you do when you are 8, not an adult, but something tells me she’s making up in accessories what she’s missing in that dusty vagine of hers.
Someone give this woman a Shake Weight!
“Fiesta is anything wild and crazy with a nice Spanish theme,” she tells us, and by that she means no illegals, dammit! She pretends to play maracas and again, I think she needs something for her hands to do.
Boy-girl or girl-boy? Oh, I wish for the 1940s when this was easier.
Carla tells us that this is a new pageant so all the moms had to have “custom” dresses made in order to compete in this new event. Nice way to really make sure these pageant families go broke even faster than they already are.
“Pageant pimpin’, that’s what we’re looking for. Pageant pimpin’,” she says. Should you really be using the word pimp in anything that involves kids? Seriously, someone get this woman something that vibrates.
First up in Fayetteville, North Carolina, we meet Alyssa, 4, who tells us she rocks the stage and to anyone who takes her crown, she will “kick them in the crotch.” The fact a four year old knows this phrase is kind of scary, so nice parenting there.
This face and the word crotch should never be in the same place at the same time.
Alyssa is really pretty with big, blue eyes and a bright smile. She’s pretty good at fake maracas and doing Olé! With her hands. Mom AmyLeigh is nice and tells us Alyssa has been doing pageants a long time because everyone told her how pretty she was and that she ought to put her daughter in pageants. Thank goodness they didn’t tell her to throw Alyssa off a bridge!
You can totally tell that she makes fabulous madeline cookies.
“I think facial beauty is really important in today’s society. The first thing you see when you talk to somebody is their face,” she says, forgetting that most of today’s relationships start in online chat rooms full of French male models. Bonjour!
Over in Mount Morris, Pennsylvania, Granny Pam is trying to shove a tiny flipper into granddaughter Ariana’s mouth. Ariana tells us she’s going to kill the competition then raises her eyebrows up and down while scary music plays. I thought she looked familiar and she was profiled on T&T (and probably will be on 48 Hours) 3 years ago when she talked about deer and how she’d like to hunt them and cut them up. And she was pretty specific about how she was going to Jeffrey-Dahmer those poor animals.
Almost as many accessories as the pageant director.
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