Granny tells us that a lot of people told her she was raising a serial killer after they heard Ariana be so specific about cutting up a deer.
Photos like this aren’t helping, though, Granny.
Considering she’s in Pennsylvania which is deer-hunting country, I’m sort of surprised, but maybe I’m the one who mentioned it in a recap. Wouldn’t be the first time I called a pageant girl a serial killer, and it won’t be the last!
I’ve had denist appointments like this…but I bit the dental tech.
Granny says they have given up hunting and they are more into planting things, like the cherry tree they just plunked into the front yard along with all the ceramic trolls, ducks, deer and whatnot.
Why, God, why?
Hooooly shit, who is this? Pat, a.k.a. “YaYa,” is Granny’s mother and wearing her Steelers headband and crazy black and gold game-day hair, says she’s, “Pulling for Ariana.” I’m guessing she’s pulling some serious meds, too.
This is what America is coming to.
YaYa tells Ariana that the cherry tree was George Washington’s tree and that he never told a lie, while Granny says that was Abe Lincoln. Okay, I realize that she’s confusing Honest Abe with the whole lying George situation, but let’s be honest, back then, really what those presidents needed to worry about was Jesus riding through Philadelphia on a dinosaur. So please let’s keep our historical facts accurate.
Granny says she was ill for a little while which is why they stopped doing pageants for two years, but I’m guessing that is code for DCFS stopped by with a therapist who specializes in serial killers and sad landscape design.
YaYa tells us that to get trees to grow well, you need a male tree and a female tree. You might also want some pollen-izing bees and a book on biology. Maybe Santa can bring you one if you promise not to blow Blitzen’s head off and cut him up.
I will make deer meat outta ya if you don’t stay in line!
And finally, in Lenoir, North Carolina, as the local Gulf gas station…wait, what? This family’s house has a bunch of old gas station signs, including a large GULF sign, Firestone sign and what looks to be old fashioned gas pumps. So either they bought an old gas station and made it a home (which seems like it might have some zoning and/or environmental issues associated with it), or they are going way overboard on the gas station theme. I mean, I’m a flea-market person, but this seemed odd for the front of a home.
Remember full service gas stations? Yeah, me either.
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