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The season finale of Toddlers & Tiaras brings us to Tennessee for the Beautiful Me: 50s Pageant. Kids scream, slap and show off baby fat they shouldn’t have and moms whine, let their kids get away with murder and smoking (not sure which is worse), and come up with conspiracy theories that rival the JFK assassination.
Pageant Director Angela Smith is way too normal – she’s cute, well-spoken and seems to enjoy pageants and life. So basically, I’ve got nothing here. I even think her hair is cute.
Over in Corinth, Mississippi, we meet totally spoiled 22-month old Ava who is driving a motorized car. Shouldn’t she have a helmet on? Also, don’t hit the dog, dammit! Grandma is going crazy with her “Go Ava! Go Ava!” Damn, lady has some serious energy!
Mom Jessica has huge 80s hair and I won’t lie – I miss those days! Spiral perms, hot rollers and Final Net. Ah, I can smell it now. She says Ava is following in her pageant footsteps…oh, here we go! She says Ava has been in 21 pageants in the past 6 months…holy shit, that’s a lot for a little kid. Or an adult. “And this is 22 and she’s 22 months old,” Jessica says, followed by the funniest noise, “WAAAAAH!”
Jessica says taking Ava onstage brings back a lot of memories. I’ll bet! She says she loved everyone looking at her while she smiled and showed off. Then she winks a few times. Heh. I may open up the bar tab to include her along with our other pageant family, Beth and Pageant Grandma. No promises, though!
Jessica tells us that Ava’s biggest strength is her personality, stating, “She’s a little ham.” And of course the production company doesn’t let us down with their fine editing of scenes of Ava screaming, stomping, kicking, screaming some more and then slapping Jessica! Looking at Ava stunned for the slap (and Ava stunned back), Jessica interviews, “It’s like she’s a natural.” Yeah, a natural brat. I don’t care if a microphone was hooked up to me, I would have hauled ass on that kid, taken her to the next room, and provided a solid spank to that over-pampered ass.
Grandma Helen does her crazy dance to get Ava to focus on her instead of the production crew, then interviews that Ava loves pageants. “And her Namma does too. And her momma does too.” Namma. Okay, she can come to the bar too, she’s just too adorable. Namma and Jessica keep jumping all over the place to get her to do something, but Ava just sits quietly. Well, I say, ENJOY IT.