Toddlers & Tiaras: Smoke ‘Em if Ya Got ‘Em!

Toddlers and Tiaras

By DearCrabby | Sunday, September 2, 2012 | 10:28 am | 51 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Destiny is whining about her Sandy from Grease costume, and interviews that Sandy is her mother’s “favorite cartoon.”  Destiny does a great imitation of Sandy from the scene when she was cheerleading and told Danny Zuko she wished she never laid eyes on him.  Man, that was a great movie.  I know, because I saw it 32 times in one week while staying at my cousin’s house back in the day.  Like I said, there is no such thing as too much TV.

 And holy crap, I think we’ve found Traven’s new girlfriend.

Destiny comes out to practice and has a faux cigarette in her mouth.  Now most of you may remember the candy cigarettes of yore, when Marlboro sponsored Halloween.  Lisa says because Sandy came out and threw down a cigarette, Destiny is going to do the same.  How about a lollipop instead?  I mean, people will get the point but it won’t be horrifically inappropriate.  I get the feeling Lisa has a vivid fantasy life. 

Yes, she looks oh-so-cool.

“If she’s going to do acting and things like that, then she’s going to have to act out the part,” Lisa says.  Oh man, another parent with a kid on the path to stardom/rehab.  Lisa, GET A GRIP. 

Ava is screaming for her dad and Jessica interviews that she doesn’t like Ava’s dad at the pageants because she’s the biggest daddy’s girl.  Dad Chad says pageants aren’t his thing and he’d rather watch grass grow or paint dry.  Maybe you could just order the NFL ticket or something, dude.

 Daddy’s girl?  No way!

Jessica admits to loving big hair and she says, “Roll with the fro, HA!  HA!”   At least she owns it!  They pack up and put Ava in the car and she practically shits herself because they are leaving daddy behind.  Say it ain’t so!

 Apple…tree.  

Pageant day in Gatlinburg, Tennessee!  Why, there’s Lori!  And Alaska!  And Braxton who ain’t so cute anymore!  Today they are rocking around the clock with what looks like a bunch of crazed mothers.  

 Calm down, lady!

I am, however, loving the crowns that Angela designed…big, pinkish-red jewels with a rhinestone clock in the center (probably to rock around).  Gotta get my hands on one of those.

SHINY!

Getting into the elevator, Vikki asks Emma if she’s excited and Emma says no.  So, you don’t like to practice and you aren’t excited to be here.  Are you sure perhaps you shouldn’t just be watching TV instead of spending all of mom and dad’s cash on something you are about to screw up royally? 

Ava is having her makeup done and she hates it.  Jessica sighs heavily and says she’s already stressed.  The hair and makeup person wants to put Ava’s hair up because everyone’s wearing their hair up, but Jessica has formed a major Oliver Stone conspiracy theory that someone has paid this woman to have everyone wear their hair the same way so the long-fall-wearing girls will win.  Because makeup artists have just that kind of time on their hands to form conspiracies at pageants. 

 Fun!

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A Food Network host wannabe and travel fanatic (only three more continents to go!) , Dear Crabby lived in Chicago for over 10 years before returning to her native Ohio. She loves black martinis, blue cheese burgers, and The Daily Show. A two-time Chicago marathon finisher, she heartily dislikes Smokey Smokersons, slow drivers in the passing lane, and noisy children, especially when they ruin a fine dining experience or a trip to Target. A nouveau spinster, Dear Crabby spends her free time with her Cocker Spaniels and often goes by the pseudonym “Mrs. Clooney.”

51 Comments

  1. 1
    alicecarroll13
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

    well … smoking toddlers…well it could have been worst..she could gone cheech and chong and smoked a fatty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! then she could have passed it around to the judges…

  2. 2
    ellemenop
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

    thanks, crabby, for an episode that i personally didn’t find that amusing, you improved it with your awesome recap. i’ll be anxiously awaiting next season & more recaps!!!

    i think jessica would be a fab addition to pageant drinkin’ night.

    oh, and i especially loved the tag “slapping yo mama”

  3. 3
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

    “What is tragic is her stupid name, especially the spelling. Jerzee? Why don’t you just name her Pole-Dancing Whore and get it over with?” Best. Line. Ever.

    Seemed like everyone in this episode had at least a double chin. But I gotta tell ya, I’ve been way more offended by some of the slutty outfits put on toddlers and the inappropriate dance moves the kids are taught than I was by the fake cigarette. I wonder what that says about me…

  4. 4
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

    Jessica and Namma would be great for drinks, and I think they are a few ahead of us.

    Great recap, and you even had room to mention the awful grammar. Always funny to know what comes first, beauty or brains.

  5. 5
    Frizzypop
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

    Jessica did crack me up. They way she said “HAYer” made me laugh. Another great recap! Looking forward to next season.

  6. 6
    Frizzypop
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 12:15 pm

    Jessica was funny! The way she said “HAYer” made me laugh! Thanks for another great recap!

  7. 7
    Frizzypop
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

    Sorry for the repeat guys! New to posting and I didn’t think the first one went through… Maybe I’ll get the hang of it before too long!

  8. 8
    Schadenfreude Schadenfreude
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm

    T&T usually presents me with one Major Moment of Dismay per episode. The season finale provided me with four, all involving Ava:

    Ava, slap your mother’s face. Mom’s reaction: look surprised.

    Ava, at your professional photo shoot outdoors, tear off what looks to be a pricey headband and throw it on the ground. Mom’s reaction: giggle.

    Ava, still at your photo shoot, throw a china teacup from the photographer’s prop matching teaset down on the bricks. Grandma’s reaction: giggle. Mom’s mild reaction as she fusses with the distracted 22-month-old’s hair: “When you win your crown this weekend, you cannot throw it. Do you hear me?”

    Ava, after your win, throw down and break that lovely crown that Dear Crabby and I both like so much. Mom’s reaction: say “It broke” and giggle.

    Ava will never understand cause and effect if every Moment of Dismay is treated like she is a comedienne.

  9. 9
    Cass
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 1:27 pm

    Isn’t Jerzee related to someone who was featured on T&T before? I know someone has a baby sister named Jerzee, no way there are 2 kids with that horrible name…right? Anyone know?

  10. 10
    thisbuggs4u
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    That is Gabby in the Picture with Emma when she is looking at the phone. Beth had said that Gabby won Overall Beauty ages 5 and up at this pageant!!

    I pretty much said everything in the mini…

    But, Crabby, I am shocked that you didn’t use CRT’s!! :)

  11. 11
    crockpot
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

    Still reading recap but Destiny & her raspberries seem norm to me. Well the hell else is there to do to shock at 4?

    Back to read :-)

  12. 12
    crockpot
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    Well I guess a better shocker for Ava would be to slap your mom. Oops she did that.

    Great recap DC for a below average drama show.

    Do think that the “mums” are on to “us”. Yup. The dads not so much. Things will get more scripted with the success of Honey Boo Boo (gag).

    Still a joy to read the recaps & look for the true idiots pushing their butt ugly talentless kids thinking they will be stars or Miss America.

    Looking forward to new season with you Crabby :-) .

  13. 13
    Dear Crabby
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 2:43 pm

    @thisbuggs4u – @#$*&@# I totally forgot! Dang! And Destiny provided so much fodder for that. Next season! Plus, I still need to find the image of that dog growling too…I re-ran the episode over and over and couldn’t find it.

  14. 14
    Closet Fan
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Apple… Tree. That pic nailed it! Wow!

  15. 15
    OlympicGal
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 6:04 pm

    Loved Ava and her mum. Despite being a bit tired and cranky on occassion (and what 22 month old isn’t?) you could tell Ava really enjoyed the pageants herself, which seems rare in a kid her age to me. Her grin when she was on stage was infectious. Emma I had to wonder why she was in pageants at all. Her mum didn’t really want her to do them and she didn’t look like she cared about them much either. Why not spend money on a hobby she would enjoy? Or was it just to be on the show? lol.

  16. 16
    Glitzy
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I’m sorry, but Destiny looked a bit like a little piggy.

    Jessica was too aware of the cameras; it was if she were auditioning for her own show. Annoying.

    The pretend cigarette was not disturbing at all. We had candy cigs and gum cigars as kids, and it was no big deal; however, if the one judge deducted points forint, she should’ve ashamed. She’s punishing the kid for mom’s idea.

    Emma has a pretty face, but her personality is awful. She wants to be in pageants as much as I want to return to Honey Boo Boo’s house!

    Oink!

  17. 17
    featherhead
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 6:36 pm

    Emma reminded me of EverRose so much, side by side I’d bet they’d look like sisters. I loved when Ava got up and danced on stage, you could tell she was having the time of her life.
    Alaska always seems to have a puss on.

  18. 18
    Lenoru
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    Where was Alaska? I saw her brother in the opening credits, but I didn’t see her.

  19. 19
    ellemenop
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 8:20 pm

    @featherhead — yes!!! i knew she reminded me of SOMEONE, but you’re right — it’s everrose.

  20. 20
    whatwhat
    Posted September 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm

    Not done with the recap but “Apple…tree” had me burst out laughing. THEY HAVE THE SAME BROW WRINKLE hahahaha that is SO CUTE

  21. 21
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:14 am

    @Feather, we have the fauxlebrity finale. Emma is EverRose, and someone in the mini- mentioned that Destiny looks like Bindy Irwin. And she does.

  22. 22
    Penny Ruxpin
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:17 am

    This recap could have been titled ‘Marky Mark and the Chunky Bunch’.

  23. 23
    Khakie
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 8:35 am

    @cattyfan that’s what I was thinking! The oversexualization of children I find much more disturbing than a cigarette. Although the lollipop idea would have been adorable :)

  24. 24
    Z
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm

    I really didn’t think that Destiny was too chubby. It’s very common at 4 to still be hanging on to your baby fat. Some people keep it well into adolescence and it has nothing to do with eating or activity habits. And I think her meltdown when she knocked the crown over was embarrassment. I’m a pre-school teacher and I see it all the time when my kids mess something up as accidentally and think that they’ve made some major mistake or are gonna get into trouble. I’d imagine it would be amplified with a camera in her face.

  25. 25
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Crabby, this was the finale? Bummer, considering it’s about the only show I watch, I’ll have to re watch the 100 episodes on Netflix.

    I thought Destiny looks alot like Bindy Irwin, cute in a weird way.

    As usual, you had me chuckling through the whole recap, excellent as always. Beth it was cool to see you, glad to hear Gabby is moving along in the pageant industry. Alaska didn’t win grand supreme with anchovies?? Good! Little brat needs a wake up call once in a while. I have to watch this episode again, I did miss some of it. I thought Ava’s Grandma was a hoot!

    Would it be weird if I snarked on old episodes when I hadn’t discovered this awesome website at the time I saw them? Otherwise I may go insane until the next season of T & T starts!

  26. 26
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Yay! I got invited to the bar! :-) . I gotta tell you, we did a national pageant this weekend where plenty of former t&t kids were competing, and I couldnt stop thinking of you, crabby, and how dead on you are without even knowing it.

  27. 27
    KJN KJN
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    @Closet Fan OMG I totally snorted when I saw that picture. Priceless!

  28. 28
    cbc-cca
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:03 pm

    Destiny reminds me of a younger Jennifer Lawrence. It’s the eye-shape.

  29. 29
    Sharon
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Here’s a new idea for a pageant theme… Trailer Park After the Tornado!

    Now, to go along with that cigarette… a yellow flannel bathrobe, red rubber flip flops, and pink hair curlers. Daddy can carry on a single-wide made from a refrigerator box. Brother pretends to be newscaster interviewing her for the 10:00 p.m. news. (Mom out in the audience, “Don’t forget to scratch your belly, honey!” while making scratching movements on her own belly.)

  30. 30
    Chicken Lips
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 8:22 pm

    @Sharon – the whole point of pageants is to act a part that isn’t your own life. I doubt they would make any money if they had the people come in acting and looking like it is just an ordinary day for them. Ha! :)

  31. 31
    CattyFan cattyfan
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 8:35 pm

    Sharon…trailer park residents aren’t likely to be able to afford to participate in these pageants. That’s one of the sad things. Instead of putting away into a college fund those thousands squandered each month, these families are throwing money away on cupcake dresses, make-up “specialists”, and “talent coaches” for (in most cases) chubby little rat-faced brats who will never amount to anything and will go on to try to live their own failed sad little dreams through their children…just like dear old mom and gramma.

  32. 32
    Gigi
    Posted September 3, 2012 at 11:18 pm

    I still see Amber Portwood every time I look at destiny. Except smiling and not all mugshotty

  33. 33
    Kim
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 7:30 am

    Pageant-grandma, are you Namma?!?

  34. 34
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:30 am

    No, definitely not namma. We have not been followed, and probably won’t choose to do so.

  35. 35
    talk it then
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 8:40 am

    @Kim.. LMAO.. I thought the same thing!! Oh and YES the cigarette was very inappropiate BUT fel that the only reason that damn idiot did that was to try and bring attention to herself and her daughter just like Paisley and Wendy Dickey did. All this was for show.. that stupid idiot.. saw the interview that was given on Fox News shortly after that.. that is what she wanted.. exposed.. some of these things these people do,, good grief.. get over it!

  36. 36
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 9:36 am

    I don’t even watch this show but a smoking toddler? (so glad I never watched this show)

  37. 37
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 9:48 am

    @Gypsy, it was a fake cigarette that appeared to have a realistic glowing tip.

    Candy cigs and bubblegum cigars were a real treat when I was a kid, and they were sold everywhere.

    Now that they are un-PC the judges could clutch their pearls–yup… every one of them– and pretend they don’t miss that sugary minty taste.

  38. 38
    Gypsy Gypsy
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Thanks SSC, I remeber those candies too at the local PENNY CANDY STORE but, it just looks so crazy to me in a little ones mouth when they are all dolled up like that.

  39. 39
    TurtleGirl93 TurtleGirl93
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    My hands-down fave Jessicaism was when she was worried that everyone would think she had “borryed” the pink car. I grew up in the Arkansas Delta and while I lived ‘in town’, a lot of the old-money farming families from the smaller communities sent their children to the private school I attended. You could always identify their grandparents and sometimes their daddies at events by their pronounciations of certain words. “Warsh” instead of “wash”, “ohnn” instead of “on”.

  40. 40
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted September 4, 2012 at 6:27 pm

    Crabby…yes! Olivia Wilde it is! They both have those almond shaped, slightly tilted up cornflower blue/grey eyes. Gor-geous!

    I’ve been saying for years that O.W. could play this one character from the Eragon trilogy (NOT the piece of shit movie, although they didn’t do a terrible job casting, I guess). She looks so much like the auther describes the character it’s crazy, and her doppelganger is Destiny.

  41. 41
    Beth
    Posted September 5, 2012 at 11:32 am

    It has been a crazy few weeks here, with the kids back in school my internet schedule is all jacked up, lol! I forget to log in and check all of these comments :) It was a fun pageant and the girls did awesome! Yes, the one h/m person shown on the show was Cristy, from the Rumble in the Jungle pageant, nice chick! And the h/m person fuzzed out was actually a coach and the daughter of a h/m person that was there so I am sure it was more of a “political pageant move” on her part to not step on toes, etc. Alaska actually did win a Grand Supreme there, they just didn’t show it. They were very low key that weekend, as it was filmed the week after our episode aired. Chloe who won the whole pageant is a “name” girl and she is amazing on stage, Gabby gets more excited to watch her than any other pageant girl, she is just one to learn from!

  42. 42
    Pageant-grandma
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 3:50 am

    Beth– was that Chloe C?

  43. 43
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 7, 2012 at 5:15 am

    @TG, good heavens woman! Am I to infer that Jessica is old money because of that hill Jill accent? I would think it would be the other way around. The family didn’t look like any kind of money to me.

  44. 44
    Zedd
    Posted September 8, 2012 at 10:21 am

    Thanks Beth. I’m sad that I realized that was Christy but I’m glad that someone confirmed my crazy :)

  45. 45
    Bluedog
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 8:16 pm

    Finally a sane judge who takes points off. Really, a cigarette – take this stupid mother down to a cancer ward at the local hospital so she can learn the error of her ways. (Hopefully)

    Coming over next year – so much I want to do. See Vegas, judge a pageant (hint, hint, pageant directors), meet Tigger at Disneyland, go drinking with you all. I promise to bring over little kangaroos for you.

  46. 46
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 9, 2012 at 8:31 pm

    Oh @ BD, I’ve always wanted an apartment-sized kangaroo. Since I live in an apartment. Can you get enough wallabys on the plane for all of us? I’m certain that Crank wants a manly sized regular one. You know how he is.

    You are such a sweetie, as well as a dandy little ‘capper.

  47. 47
    Bluedog
    Posted September 10, 2012 at 12:55 am

    Thanks Cat, I will see what I can do. They are literally hopping around near where I live. The farmers hate them. So I’m sure a few in my suitcase wouldn’t be missed.

    One place I left out was WalMart. Can’t wait to see that place. When my daughter and I went to the UK I couldn’t wait to go to Harrods. I am expecting there will be a difference!

    Do you think Honey Boo Boo will be doing tours? I could learn how to coupon. We don’t have couponing like that here. The ones we have only get us a two for one etc.

  48. 48
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted September 10, 2012 at 4:57 am

    YES, @BD, there is a bit of a difference between Harrod’s and Wal-Mart, mainly, I believe in the clientele. Except at Christmastime when the Harrod’s crowd get a bit frisky over sale items.

    Wal-Mart people tend to dress like the Boo Boos at a mud-fest, and they often share teeth. It is indeed a treat.

    It would be fun if Alana toured, and it would be a treat for her to see the world as much as it would be for the world to gawk at her and her family. You might pull some string for the Antipodes to be included.

    I’m naming mine Sparky.

  49. 49
    ellemenop
    Posted September 10, 2012 at 6:50 am

    @bluedog –we don’t “get” couponing like that here, either. the average person uses coupons the way the manufacturers intended, to get money or percentage off an item or a buy one-get one in order to try or switch to their brand. it’s the vast minority who knows how to manipulate and spend HOURS figuring out who do that sort of coupon usage. i’m sure that if there are enough loopholes in the coupons’ terms of use and in the store’s policies, extreme couponing can happen in australia as well.

  50. 50
    jessew
    Posted September 12, 2012 at 5:02 pm

    Well, Nancy Grace has finally heard about this episode. I’m going to watch and see if she manages to get the info right.

  51. 51
    SusieF
    Posted December 25, 2012 at 6:14 pm

    Destiny clearly has Prader-Willi syndrome

    Beautiful little girl though !!

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