Why, it’s another International Fresh Faces pageant hosted by our good friend Mr. Todd on this episode of Toddlers & Tiaras & Travens! Mr. Todd says the Fairy Princess Pageant takes every little girl’s favorite things – being a princess or being a fairy – and puts them together in one! “Every little girl – or BOY – dreams of being a beauty queen,” he says. Not really.
Such the drama queen, Mr. Todd reminds us that not everyone can live happily ever after. Just look at Africa, a lot of India, most of the Middle East and Kansas. “Mirror! Mirror! On the wall…who’s the glitziest one of all?” He says. Well, you are, Mr. Todd, and I’m guessing to get through this pageant you’ve belted back a few, so welcome to the club!
Speaking of glitz and shine…Cleanup in aisle 9.
First up in Pulaski, Illinois, we meet our hot mess and scary kid of the episode, Traven! Mom asks him to show her how he dances and then says, “Is that what you be doin’ to win you some girls at the pageant? So what you be tellin’ them girls?”
I be tellin’ them that there is a reason you are living in a rundown trailer, beyotch. It ain’t because of yo’ medical degree.
Traven, 6, introduces himself and says, “The ladies love me.” Only the ones encased in that flammable tin box you call a home. Then – THEN – he makes this totally disgusting gesture with his fingers and tongue that I have no doubt has to do with oral sex, and women in the background (I’m guessing his mother and grandmother because the production crew probably has the class to vomit discreetly) laugh and laugh and laugh because what is funnier than a 6 year old imitating oral sex? Really nothing.
What. The. Fuuuuuuucccckkkk.
“I’m LaNesia and my son is a pageant natural,” mom says. Not natural? The part in the wig you are wearing. It’s awful. Also awful are those two top front teeth covered in gold. She’s too old for formula mouth and too fat for meth mouth…so I’m guessing toothbrushes and floss aren’t really her thing.
Where to begin, really.
“I win crowns, trophies, money and slashes,” Traven says. Well, I’m guessing slashing probably will be in your future, along with fathering A LOT of babies with A LOT of women. And your mom and grandma will probably laugh and laugh and laugh at that too, because the only thing funnier than a 6 year old imitating oral sex is an almost-man fathering tons of kids he has no intention of helping to support or raise.
While looking through his crowns, Traven loses it and starts screaming, “This is my house! I deserve this house! I’m the man! Just the maaaaan!” and his mother laughs and laughs and wow…this situation is going to get bad so fast, she won’t even know what hit her.
Traven interviews, “I’m a grown up. Nobody tells me what to do. NOBODY tells me what to DO,” he finishes by pointing his finger at us. I bet I could.
Seriously, I will kill you if you treat me like a child. I will SLASH you.
LeNesia tells us that Traven goes from an angel to a demon in, “Zero-point-two seconds.” And she laughs. Then he interviews while choking himself, “Get out of me you creepy little devil!”
No sympathy for this devil.
He pretends to choke himself then all of a sudden he’s on the floor convulsing like he’s having a seizure or requires an exorcism while scaring Psycho-type music plays.
If we don’t want him to choke on his tongue, we should get a wooden spoon…but I did say IF.