Next up in Steele, Missouri, we meet meet Ava-Cate, 4, who blathers something unintelligible and crowns her dog and tiny pig grand supremes. Mom Emily says Ava-Cate’s personality is “outta this world.”
And our crazy pageant mom check indicates one is present…
She says she’s full of energy and fire and she plays opposite day with her mother all the time.
The dog looks like its waiting for Sarah Mclachlan to start singing.
She’s actually a really cute kid who says she’d like to get rid of her “Hog Pageant” crown, however that’s where she did win her little pig which she named Buddy Crazy Sunglasses. Because she was totally dropping acid at that pageant. “Weeee – weeee – weeeee!” the pig says. Amen, BCS, amen.
Everything’s better with bacon.
In Ava, Missouri, we meet Samantha, 7, who is playing outside with her bleach-blonde family.
Wow, that’s a lot of blonde…suck on THAT, Gwen Stefani and your hair color commercial.
Check my roots all you want, bitches, this color is REAL.
She tells us she won’t stand for a small title this weekend. Mom Amy tells us Samantha does not like to lose and in her very first pageant 2 years ago, she won Ultimate Grand Supreme. Actually, that’s pretty good for a first pageant, especially considering she was the ripe old pageant age of 5 when she started.
This is one serious pageant girl.
Samantha tells us she’s always a winner and that’s her favorite part of the pageants. However, she and her mom are pretty normal, so the editors are kind enough to switch us over to Crazen Traven!
Traven and his entourage of mom and grandma go to the hair salon/barber shop to shave Traven’s head, because he says he wants to look fabulous and rich. He tells the barber he has 1,000 girlfriends, then later interviews, “I lied. I do not have a thousand girlfriends. I lied. I really, really lied to you…I lied to everybody!” He really sounds pained. Eh, go to confession. Catholics love feeling that guilty.
Flies and lies are the only things that come out of Traven’s mouth.
Traven tells us he does look good, then as they are all leaving, he tells his barber Darrell that he’s fired. He kind of did it Donald Trump-style, with the finger and all, so maybe that’s where it came from. Traven interviews he had to fire some people today, “Because they don’t make good choices.” WTF? He says they keep on talking back to him, then he says, “Two plus eight equals eleven, not ten… I mean, thirteen.” Seriously, WTF is going on with this kid?
That little monster better stop pointing his fingers at adults or someone will break it off…like me.
LaNesia tells Traven it’s time to practice and of course he wants no part of it. “Practicing sucks,” he says. Olympic sports team, here he comes!
His mother asks him how he’s going to win if he doesn’t practice and he says, “I’m just wanna cheat!” Excellent idea and sounds like a sound basis for the rest of his life.
LaNesia tells us that the girls and boys are competing against each other, which sort of sucks…I mean, there is really no comparison. She says, “Good luck girls,” and the super-dark lipliner outlining her lips is really obvious in this scene – soooo klassy! I mean, that really is a good look, outlining your lips in black. Hott, even. Hott.
Mom and Grandma are singing the, “Go Traven! Go Traven!” Jerry Springer song and LaNesia interviews that Traven doesn’t have a routine, he just does what he wants onstage. And offstage, if you’ve been watching the show. This kid has absolutely no discipline at all.
Sadly, when you are brought up as the center of attention, you often believe you always are.