Grandma is cheering him on and he tells her she needs to go work at The Pony, which we all immediately know is a strip joint because what else would The Pony be and what else could Traven possibly mean? Mom laughs and laughs because nothing else is funnier than a 6 year old imitating oral sex and fathering a lot of children with a lot of women and not taking care of them, except a little kid who knows the neighborhood strip joint and recommends grandma get a job there.
By the way, the camera operator who got both The Pony stripclub entrance and the Got Wood sign in the same frame deserves a huge raise!
Back in Ava, Samantha is practicing for her pageant with her coach and mom tells us she practices every day. This kid does a great job. She is focused, listens to her coach, adjusts her performance and basically kicks ass. She’s going to win big. And thus, it makes for a boring storyline.
This is how Wonder Woman protects herself from low pageant scores.
Mom Amy says this pageant is “different” because they are doing Fairy Wear so they have this new prop, a set of fabric gossamer wings that are TOTALLY COOL and that I would totally buy and just play with in the house if I didn’t have so many windows.
Samantha interviews that the other mothers are going to get pretty frustrated with her, because, “I’m the prettiest girl in the whole wide world.” Eh. Yes, you are pretty, but in the WORLD? You might want to find a wee bit of humble in the back of your closet. Karma can really be a bitch.
And it can come back to bite you in ways you wouldn’t expect. Literally.
Back in Steele, Ava-Cate gets a quick hair trim, gets her nails done and she’s ready to practice with a coach who has the thickest eyebrows this side of Abe Vigoda.
Sunshade Awnings or the next generation of Opti-Grab by Navin Johnson?
Ava-Cate says she hates to practice. Have you met Traven? I think he’s got something for you. She says practice is “BBBBBooooring.” Seriously, coach, lighten those brows before you sprain something.
Practicing is BOING or BORING?
Emily says that Ava-Cate likes to add her own moves to the routines she learns, which is never a good thing. The thing she’s adding today? A “booty smack.” How a four year old knows to do this is beyond me unless it came from her parents or TV…but still, what is she watching at this point? Disney? Or is she grabbing the remote after hours and watching Skinemax?
I doubt the judges would love this during beauty…try during talent.
Ava-Cate says the judges “love it,” meaning the booty smack, and I was convinced she was going to do this onstage. Jesus, Allah, Buddha, I would love you all if that occurred. This coach has no control over Ava-Cate. Just cash your check, go to the salon for brow lightening, and let’s move on.
Back at Traven’s single-wide, there is a knock at the door. Is it the bill collector or repo man? No, it’s Princess, his cousin, who will be playing a princess in the show with him.
“She’s treating me like a…BABY!” Traven interviews about his mother. Then stop acting like one. “She’s treating me like a KID. I am NOT a KID. I am NOT A KID. I’M A GROWNUP.” Wow.
Has anyone called the Vatican about this kid yet?
For the Fairy Wear portion of the show, they are having Traven and his poor cousin Princess act out a scene from Princess and the Frog. They practice and it kinda sucks. Traven says he wants to win the money at the pageant because he wants to be rich, famous, smart and “delican.” Well, if anyone can put the I CAN back in delican, it’s Traven. Bet he can put the LUX in luxuriate too.