Pageant day in Poplar Bluff, Missouri!
And it looks like we already have our winner!
Oh, Mr. Todd, we’ve missed you. He tells us there are three categories in today’s competition, beauty, being their favorite fairy (think Traven will do Anderson Cooper?) and Denim Wear, which seems sort of an odd category to add to such a glitzy, glamorous, gossamer, gleaming pageant, doesn’t it?
The LOOOOOVE BOOOOAT! Soon we’ll be making another ruuuunnn….
So Mr. Todd is going through his descriptions of the competitors and when Traven pulls up, the show has hip-hop music in the background, just like in Rochester last week with Dimitri’ana. I guess it’s to make sure the audience knows that black people are entering the scene. If I were entering the scene, they’d be playing something by Pat Boone. It would indicate “super-whitey has arrived.”
Ava-Cate is having her hair and makeup done but she’s not a morning person, however she’s a total champ through the whole thing. She requests a blue Pixie Stix. Oh, just give her one, she’s being so sweet.
Mr. Sandman, bring me some Pixie Stix NOW.
Man, we cannot get away from this, can we? Samantha is having her hair done and the stylist asks her if she knows why they have big hair – so they can be closer to God. Samantha explains to them that it is called Jackin’ it to Jesus. Poor Jesus must be rolling over in his third day of rising.
Dolly Parton, the early years.
LaNesia tells us that 8 boys had signed up for this pageant and she tells us, “When they heard Traven was coming, they all dropped out.” Are you kidding me? Or maybe they all had baseball or soccer practice instead? But I doubt Traven puts that much fear into other boys. He does pageants, for Christ’s sake. It’s just a matter of time before he gets pounded on the playground for his girlie interest. I mean, he’s no Brock.
Really loves himself, doesn’t he?
So first up is beauty…aw, look, Traven’s family brought illiterate signage: “Congrats Traven Your 1.” LaNiesa must have gone to school with Candice. Bet they roomed together.
Amy says she doesn’t think it’s fair for boys to compete with girls and I do see her point, girls have hair, makeup, eyelashes, nails, teeth and douching to take care of, and all boys have to do is roll out of bed, pull on a one-piece suit and they are done. But if parents with boys had to wait for pageants to fill up with only boys, they’d have like 3 pageants a year, if that. So…I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
Can you believe I get paid to do this?
LaNesia tells us Traven’s biggest competition is Samantha but I’m finding that hard to believe if for no other reasons than Samantha practices and is not possessed by the devil. Competition, my ass.
So Traven does his beauty and all he does is stand and wave and some Michael Jackson moves, but I don’t see him going to his different marks. He also dances like he’s a Chippendale dancer which is creepy. One judge says he doesn’t make enough eye contact with the judges – he does look down a lot. So enjoy not-first place.
Where is my gong? I need to hit it hard.
Ava-Cate has a total catastrophe going on…they did not snap her skirt to her bodice. Oh my God! What are they going to do? Get snappin’ that’s what…so they tag-team her and snap the dress but it really seems to be putting up a fight.
Waxing her would be easier without the dress.