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Hoooooly shit, let’s get this Toddlers & Tiaras party started! The Little Miss and Mr. Nevada pageant takes us to that bastion of royal ball cupping, Las Vegas! Pageant Director Tami Soudbakhsh (sounds like Succotash!) tells us this isn’t just a pageant, it’s a “pageant show.” Sure.
“Bring it, surprise us and wow us,” she says as we do see the footage of a little girl rip off her shirt and show us her nips?!?!?!?!?! No, wait, it’s a boy that looks like a girl because of his long hair and feminine face and participation in a beauty pageant. The boy is “Buddy” in the boys ages 3-4 group. They are saying it’s a boy, it looks like a girl, so who knows what is what. Either way, having a 3-4 year old kid strip is really inappropriate.
First up in Las Vegas we meet Kylee, 6, who pops out of her I Dream of Jeannie bottle which injures her because dad doesn’t have it completely together yet (oh, and FORESHADOWING!).
Dad Marty goes all gay on us when he says Kylee’s going to “work that stage” as he swishes back and forth. “Yeah!” he fist pumps, and that’s when we see it…the t-shirt to end all t-shirts. It reads, “I don’t date single moms. I create them.” I immediately hate this guy. I mean, you have a daughter! How would you feel if she brought home a date and the guy had that same shirt? Could you be more disrespectful to women?
Kylee says she used to winning grand supreme titles because she’s so cute. Bet that’s how she becomes a single mom, too. Marty says that Kylee’s mom put her in pageants originally, which I missed in my first viewing of this. “But now I’m a single pageant dad.” The camera shows us his shirt and we all know why he’s single. And we never hear again about the mom.
We see the outside of their house and it’s big with a lot of cars (including a limo, which…what?), a boat and basically all the trappings of a jerk who is not saving for anyone’s college. And this is where he totally goes Douchebag Zen™ on us. “I have a lot of cars. I love to have fun. Money is no object. I work a lot of hours…everyday…and I play a lot of hours everyday. We go to nightclubs, sleep for two hours, wake up and go to work the next morning. Do it all over again. Everyday.”