What a douchebag of infinite proportions! When, exactly, do you raise your daughter? Or are you single dad on the weekends only? Because I’m praying someone who is responsible and NOT HUNGOVER in the morning is taking Kylee to school. Also, how old is this guy? It sounds like he’s an 18 year old who has been given a weekend pass to Vegas and says, “Duuuuude!” a lot. And what does he do for a living that that kind of lifestyle is acceptable? How much work can you get done on two hours a day, you know, “EVERYDAY.” What an asshole. I totally hate this guy, just wanted to make that clear in case it wasn’t.
Talking to Kylee, he mentions how much they spend on pageant dresses that she only wears a couple of times. He interviews that he will spend “whatever it takes” on Kylee because the best part of pageants is her winning. Actually, the best part of the pageant would be you getting kicked in the nads, duuuude, by a single mom.
With this douchebag as a dad, get used to this sentence, both physically and emotionally.
Over in Henderson, Nevada, we meet Elizabeth, 5, who is adorable and admits to being “sassy, beautiful and perfect.” The first step is admitting the problem. Mom Christina plays a backseat to this entire episode (and perhaps even to raising her daughter) because she’s overwhelmed by the money and the waxiness of “Noni.”
Elizabeth tells us Noni is her grandmother but she doesn’t like to be called grandmother because she doesn’t like being old. Noni, it’s not being a grandmother that ages you, it’s your trying to look younger through poor plastic surgery and wearing inappropriate clothes for your age.
The absolutely horror comes when we see Noni up close. Clearly Noni’s face was made by Madame Tussaud’s leftover wax from the Jocelyn Wildenstein collection. Or perhaps someone left crayons in a bag on the dashboard of the car on a hot Vegas day, then smoothed out what they could to create a face for you. Either way, The Joker is calling her to get his face back. Wonder why her plastic surgeon hates her?
Even the dog wants to get away from Jocelyn (and if you just vomited on your computer, send complaints to Flipit).
Noni tries to smile but is unable to thanks to all the collagen injected into every part of her face, as she interviews that Elizabeth was born with glitter in her veins. Damn, that must hurt! And will a blood donation center actually take that? If you get a Glitter Blood Transfusion™ do you suddenly get the urge to do pageants and jazz hands? Does it cost extra or is it covered by your HMO?
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