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Pageant day! Pageant Director Tami tells us that all of their families have “limitless funds,” and I want to punch her hard in the fleshy part of her neck when she says it. She gives us the bullshit lines of how it takes hard work, talent, blah, blah, blah but what it really takes is the parents coughing up enough dough for every optional category to get a win.
The best part of this pageant? The judges! They are all drag queens, headed by one Frank Marino who apparently is one of the greatest impersonators ever (I never heard of him, but I do live in the Midwest). He also seems to be using the same plastic surgeon as Noni. Or he’s stolen Bruce Jenner’s face for this show.
First judge? Britney Spears and s/he looks freaking AMAZING! Way better than that ho looks now, that’s for damn sure. Lady Gaga is there and so is Cher! These drag queens look fantastic and I am so excited about them judging. Please be judgy! Please!
Some brilliant production person asks Elizabeth if she knows what a drag queen is. She says a drag queen is where you get your clothes washed. “That’s where Noni goes to get her pillowcases washed,” she says brightly. Oh, maybe it’s the dry cleaning chemicals causing granny’s face melt?
So the person off camera clarifies, “No, what’s a DRAG QUEEN?” And Elizabeth shakes her head and says, “I have no idea.” Well, we’re going to have you judged by them, but better than that, we’re going to provide you with some fodder for the awkward conversation you are going to now have on that suddenly excruciating long helicopter trip back home. Just watch Noni’s face melt even more when she has to explain “tucking it back.”
Pageant Director Tami tells us that Elizabeth reminds her of a 60 year old woman who had a couple of glasses of bubbly and you’re just waiting for what she’s going to say or do next. Ha! Scarlett and Isabella? “I could watch ‘em all day.” So could I, if they were stuck in quicksand. Kylee can work the stage and has a wow factor. Fine. Until her dad gets out of the car looking like a douchebag…
And in case you can’t see it, here’s a larger version of the t-shirt he is wearing.