In Lexington, Kentucky, we meet Ashley, 6, and mom Christie, who tells us her daughter can “talk, and talk, and talk and talk and talk.” And boy does she! She’s telling us about all of her crowns and sashes and the fine production sound people add a ticking clock so we all know just how much of our lives we are not getting back this week.
Friendly, normal mom…my one complaint is she needs to lighten up on the under-eye liner. Don’t be a droopy!
Ashley is a really cute girl, very well-spoken and well-mannered, and she says she has won lots of crowns but no money. This is a big focus for her – winning money. If only she knew they were savings bonds that don’t mature for 100 years. “I am a chatterbox,” she laughs. Nothing wrong with that!
So cute and probably too smart for this pageant bullshit.
Mom Christie is really normal but then the crazy shows up in “Pageant Nana” Kathy who looks like a cross between Honey Boo Boo’s mom June and The Joker. I’m not sure what is going on around her mouth, but it looks like she had on some heavily-pigmented lipstick back in 2005, smeared it making out with someone, and it never quite washed off.
Can I get you a jar of cold cream and a box of tissues?
The fun part is that Nana Kathy pays for all of the pageant stuff and makes sure Christie knows it. Christie admits if she had to pay for it, they wouldn’t be doing them. Well, at least she’s doing it the smart way – sucking someone else into paying for this nonsense, much like Coach Cooch and Faith-LYNN (if you believe that story about her holding down three jobs to pay for pageant stuff…or maybe it just feels like three jobs to Coach Cooch, what with the pushing the pictures of the food on the cash register, making the burgers AND handling the drive-thru depending on where she’s scheduled during her shift). Anyhoooooo….
“It is the Bank of Nana,” Nana says, telling us she’s very competitive and likes to win. Christie, however, does show us the downside of this…she jokes she feels like Ashley is draining her inheritance. Wow, just marking time until Nana dies, huh Christie? She’s hoping Ashley will win money so they can put that back into her inheritance fund. Nana: I might not give Christie Power of Attorney regarding your living will. Just a word of caution.
Bank of Nana could make a fortune selling extra skin to a burn unit, like June could.
Finally in Fairdale, Kentucky, we meet our super-shy contestant of the episode, the tragically named Jersie, 6, and her mom Danielle. Jersie is at dance class and interviews that she’s going to win her first pageant. Oh, moms, why don’t you start them out in natural pageants first? Less money, less time, and they get a chance to check out pageants before competing with the big dogs.
Angelic…or, the kid in the after school special who dies from a bee sting.
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