Danielle says they hoped the pageant would give Jersie the confidence she needs to get over her shyness. Jersie won’t speak at all. At all. Crickets, crickets. Oh, and more crickets. Danielle and sister Brooklyn (really? Jersie and Brooklyn?) try to get her to talk, but nope. Poor kid. Give her a book and let her go to her room.
Marry-Do-or-Die, using Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Ryan Seacrest…c’mon, answer!
Back in Lexington, Ashley is getting her nails done and they are doing a French manicure for the pageant. Or are they? Christie tells us that because little kids have such small nail beds, they need the large-sized press-on French manicure fake nails. Or you could put your kid into gymnastics or science club instead.
But Bank of Nana lets Ashley put on pink sparkly nail polish because it’s her money and that’s what Ashley wants. Bank of Nana says that Christie is “a little meaner” but at the end of the day, “I pay for everything.” Yeah, there’s a healthy mother-daughter relationship right there. No tensions, none at all.
Christie asks Ashley if she wants the acrylic nails instead and Bank of Nana says, “I don’t think so.” Then Bank of Nana snots, “I’m still paying for the pedicure, right?” and looks at Christie in a challenging way. “Mm-hmmm, better be nice,” she says to Christie. The upside is, Bank of Nana is really fat so she’ll probably have a heart attack and die soon, so no worries Christie. Bank of Karma has deep pockets.
I will! Just don’t sit on me!
Danielle tells us that it doesn’t take a genius to figure out how a pageant runs. Unfortunately, though, a lot of those non-geniuses are raising horrible, unproductive humans. She says they bought a new beauty dress, new carnival costume, new hats, blah, blah, blah your kid can barely speak. Wasn’t there something else you could have spent your money on, like a public speaking class?
Was that a peep or did my kid just attempt to speak? Oh, peep.
“And she got a new coach,” Danielle says. How much did I love this part? “Coach” Madison interviews that she’s never been in pageants before, she’s not a professional, and “I don’t really know what I’m doing.” Money well-spent! Also, I could totally be a pageant coach!
The only thing you are teaching her is camel toe!
“I learned most of my pageant skills from watching pageants on TV,” Madison says. Okay, but the only pageants on TV are adult pageants, and you rarely see them do that thing where they outline their faces with their fingers, so what the hell is she talking about? Also, if she watched T&T, she would TOTALLY know what to do. So, great work there, Salieri.
Is that something sparkly over there?
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