Monday January 28
The man who simply walked into Mordor. -Elijah Wood (January 28, 1981; age 32)
Bones (8PM, FOX) The team investigates when two bodies are found at the same burial plot.
No wait, that one is still moving.
The Carrie Diaries (8PM, CW) Carrie snoops through Tom’s files and finds shocking information about Sebastian’s past.
She misreads it however and tells everybody that he has crabs.
The Biggest Loser (8PM, NBC) A contestant is eliminated.
I want to see this show made but instead of fat people they have homeless people. They gather up 10, 12, or 16 lunatics and try to get them jobs and reintroduce them into society. Each week one is eliminated and sent back into the world still as fucked up and the winner gets a brand new home from the people laid off when Extreme Makeover: Home Edition was cancelled. Come up with the name of the show and I’ll let you stand on the stage with me when we accept the Emmy. Amazing Race is going down.
The Bachelor (8PM, ABC) A roller derby match ends in a trip to the hospital.
Roller derby? Did they put lesbians in the house by accident?
The Following (9PM, FOX) Ryan, Agent Weston and FBI Specialist Debra Parker investigate the history of Carroll’s psyche
He claims to have been a part of the Second Triumvirate.
Dallas (9PM, TNT; Season Premiere, 2 episodes) Christopher and John Ross clash.
I’m glad Larry Hagman got to film a few episodes. Otherwise, his last TV appearance would’ve been on a show where people thought he was Larry Hagman and he had to pretend like he was not Larry Hagman. It’s as if the show wanted to perform Inception on him to give him Alzheimer’s.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (9PM, Bravo) Kyle’s daughter graduates from sixth grade.
She’s setting new records in that family already.
RuPaul’s Drag Race (9PM, Logo; Season Premiere) The queens make a splash by doing an underwater photo shoot.
One of them is rumored to live in a pineapple under the sea.
Teen Mom 2 (10PM, MTV) Jenelle questions Andrew’s paternity.
There’s no denying that she’s a whore.
Vanderpump Rules (10PM, Bravo) Jax crashes the party and causes a fight.
That must violate one of the Rules of Wedding Crashing.
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