Thursday January 24
“Was it over when the Germans bomber Pearl Harbor? Hell no!” - John Belushi (January 24, 1949 – March 5, 1982)
American Idol (8PM, FOX) Auditions continue.
What I never got about this show, is there’s always a couple days of auditions where a judge had something better to do. You’re getting paid millions of dollars and between you and scheduling you can’t find, what, 12 days where you’re free. If you were as replaceable as Keith Urban at your job, your ass would show up 2 hours early and stay 3 hours late.
Vampire Diaries (8PM, CW) Klaus tries to control Jeremy by putting Matt in danger.
Santa does some weird things to unwind after the Christmas season.
The Last Resort (8PM, ABC; Series Finale) A brutal battle for control leaves the Colorado vulnerable to capture.
Colorado? No wonder they got cancelled, everyone on the boat was probably high as fuck.
Parks and Recreation (8:30PM, NBC) Tom asks Ben and Andy to teach him about basketball.
By Tom, do you mean Dwight Howard?
Glee (9PM, FOX) The ladies of the glee club plan a Sadie Hawkins dance at McKinley High that leads to interesting couplings.
I haven’t heard the phrase Sadie Hawkins since I watched Lizzie McGuire. Or was it Even Stevens. Hey, stop laughing.
Project Runway (9PM, Lifetime) Sixteen designers are surprised to discover that they will be participating in the series’ first teams edition.
Cue stereotypical person who doesn’t work well with others…
Millionaire Matchmaker (9PM, Bravo) Jim Schramm, an entrepreneur, needs a women who doesn’t only want his money
“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”; **walking off**; in a distant yell, “NOT FOR HIS MONEY!”; **walks back** “Oh, I”m sorry, where were we?”
Suits (10PM, USA) Louis and Mike pay the price for previous actions.
“I told you we were gonna have to pay for these suits eventually.”
Buckwild (10PM, MTV) Ashley gets the gang to compete in a bull-riding competition.
Semi-related: go to a bar that has a mechanical bull and guess how many guys standing around the stage count on taking home a semi-unconscious girl that night. (Spoiler alert: all of them.)
Archer (10PM, FX) Archer and his former best friend are holed up in the Vermont wilderness.
Archer: “Well, we have two options. First, you distract the bears while I go run for help.”
Friend: ”What’s the second option?”
Archer: ”Did I say options? I meant steps.”
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