Tonight’s Top 10 Shows: Weekend Edition

Saturday, June 23

On this date in 1532, Henry VIII and the French king François I signed a secret treaty allying their countries against Charles V of Spain. This was followed by a great deal of cable nudity.

Ivory Wars (The Discovery Channel 8pm) With the rise in ivory poaching, Africa’s wild elephants are in danger of being wiped out.

Well that sucks.

How to Be a Gentleman (CBS 8:30) Episode: How to Be Shallow

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the characters in this show probably have that particular life skill already well in the bag.

The Firm (NBC 10pm) Mitch defends Joey’s (Gianpaolo Venuta) best friend in exchange for settling the score between the McDeeres and Moroltos; Abby makes a realization about herself.

“I’m on a TV show that nobody watches and NBC uses to plug holes in their schedule because it’s cheaper than making something good.”

Redneck Island (CMT 10pm) As the rednecks hunt for jungle veggies, they learn that you shouldn’t search for food in areas that used to be the latrine.

Yet they’ll treat an ear infection by pissing in each other’s ears.

Hooter’s International Swimsuit Pageant 2012 (FX 10pm)

My only question is: will there be wings?

Sunday, June 24

Mindy Kaling, one of the smartest, funniest women currently working in television, turns 33 today. Happy birthday, Mindy!

True Blood (HBO 9pm) Bill and Eric must barter with the head of the Vampire Authority for their lives; Sookie asks for Pam’s help; Andy gets a visit from Gordon and Barbara Pelt; Jason reunites with his former high school teacher.

It sucks that even the undead can’t escape bureaucracy.

Sister Wives (TLC 9pm, 10pm) Logan decides which college he will attend after graduation; Kody and the wives are on the verge of bringing the family back together. / Kody and the wives speak with Natalie Morales about polygamy, life in Las Vegas and their new book.

Another double episode evening with Douchebag McHaircut and the clan.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey (Bravo 10pm) Teresa takes a big step with her brother; Melissa hosts a party for her radio debut; Teresa moves away from Jacqueline and Caroline.

And by “moves away” they mean “sits at the far end of the table shooting dirty looks in their direction as Jacqueline and Caroline insist that they’re only trying to help and are operating from the purest of motives.”

The Newsroom (HBO 10pm) Premiere: After a meltdown, Will McAvoy returns to work to find most of the staff are leaving his show; Will’s new executive producer is also his ex-girlfriend; Will and his new staff face a challenge.

It’s an HBO original series: expect a lot of f-bombs and boobies.

The Great Escape (TNT 10pm) After being locked in Alcatraz, three teams must break out of their cells and avoid guards in order to win the challenge.

It shouldn’t count as a successful escape unless the contestants utilize the sewer pipes. It’s all about standards, people.

What will you be watching this weekend?

Have an event or factoid that you’d like to share with the ‘Gasm? Want to draw more people’s attention to your favorite show? Hit me up on Twitter @SuburBint or email me at SuburBint@gmail.com, and I will do my best to hook you up!

To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter. You can post your favorite lines right back at us. If you want to play games and socialize, like our Facebook page! We’re also now on Pinterest and Tumblr! Thanks for being a part of the ‘gasm!