Now for Saturday alone I could have chosen to honor people like Paul Newman or Wayne Gretzky. I could have chose to drive Manti Te’o and Jerry Sandusky jokes into the ground (although, that’s still possible). But Major League is one of my favorite movies so I’m going with Bob Uecker (January 26, 1935; age 78). Here are my Top 10 quotes of his from the Major League series:
1. “JUST a bit outside.” … “Ball 4…Ball 8…Low, and he walks the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. How can these guys lay off pitches that close?”
2. ”He’ll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one; that baby’s out of here.”
3. ”Rick Vaughn has come on to try to nail it down against Felipe Aguilar, a dangerous right-handed batter. Here’s the pitch. [Aguilar crushes it] Aww, shit.”
4. “Monty, anything to add? [Monty]: Ummm… no. [Harry Doyle]: He’s not the best colorman in the league for nothing, folks.”
5. “ In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t…”
6. ”That’s all we got, one goddamn hit?”
7. “Bottom of the 9th, Cleveland down 1 to nothing. Baker steps in he’s 0 for… I don’t know. Who cares? The pitch”
8. “So a tough loss for the Indians as Pedro Cerrano doubles off a pigeon and is tagged out while administering CPR before the tying run could score.”
9. “It looks like Willie Hayes is trying to hit Rick Vaughn, and why not, everyone else in the league does. Hayes swings and misses. I don’t know Monte, it looks like Vaughn is carrying his left a little low. This could hurt him in the later rounds.”
10. “This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.”
Friday January 25
Kitchen Nightmares (8PM, FOX) Chef Ramsay confronts the stubborn owner of the Olde Hitching Post in Massachusetts, who refuses to let his daughter and eatery co-owner have any control.
Is Gordon Ramsay going to perform Inception?
Spartacus: War of the Damned (9PM, Starz; Season Premiere) The powers of the Empire desperately turn to wealthy politician Marcus Crassus for help in crushing the rebellion.
Today, we would just turn to Arnold Schwarzenegger. Hopefully, the Terminator would show up and not Howard Langston.
Sunday January 27
The Real Housewives of Atlanta (8PM, Bravo) Kenya hears that Phaedra has been talking about her.
Phaedra only did it because she thought Kenya was talking about her. Thing is Kenya was just talking about ephedra.
Bob’s Burgers (8:30PM, FOX) Tina tracks the “Mad Pooper” running wild at the middle school.
If he doesn’t wipe he’s sure to leave a trail.
Shahs of Sunset (9PM, Bravo) A friend tells Lilly that her business might not be “respectable” for a Persian wife.
Respectable? It’s reality television, that went out the window three years ago.
Kourtney and Kim Take Miami (9PM, E!) Kim uses Kourtney’s breast milk to help treat her psoriasis.
Come again? No, Scott, put it down. That’s not what I meant.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo (9PM, TLC) Alana and her family gather to share moments from the series as well as never-before-seen footage and behind the scenes laughs.
In case you want to pack everything wrong with America into one hour.
Girls (9PM, HBO) Hannah befriends a junkie.
What is he? Hipster Bubbles?
Shameless (9PM, Showtime) Frank works a scam on a cancer foundation.
We don’t need to be that hard on Lance Armstrong.
Californication (10:30PM, Showtime) Hank attends a funeral with Faith.
Can we remove Maggie Grace’s eyes in this show?
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