Tonight’s Top 10: Thankful For Television

Thanksgiving at the Romney’s

It’s the time of year when the game of Clue is most likely to become a reality in everyone’s homes as the arguing and bickering starts with each additional glass of wine, jack and coke, pabst, (really just pick your self-medication of choice here).  Before everyone rushes out to trample somebody’s unsuspecting grandmother in search for this year’s Turbo Man or Tickle Me Elmo (…it’s too soon, right?), give thanks for last year’s Turbo Man that you already own. …Or family or job if you’re one of those happy and successful people.  There’s nothing really to watch today except tons of football or Glee (because TV execs know how to be polarizing with the audience) , so I decided to give thanks to everyone’s favorite family member, the TV.

First and foremost, I’m thankful for the revival of Arrested Development. Coming this spring to Netflix, the Bluth family will be back in action and sure to provide the devoted fans with all new lines to quote incessantly.  Seriously, did you think the guy in the $5000 suit was going to come up with some original thoughts? Come on!

I’m thankful that this year brings the final season of Jersey Shore.  Don’t get me wrong.  I love GTL, grenades, T-shirt time and almost anything that Paulie D says but, admit it. This shit is getting old. Snooki is about to come out with a third book. I know what you’re thinking. These have to be picture books, right? No, there’s words in there. Regardless, congrats to her for milking this cash cow for all it’s worth. Can’t be said for everyone in the group.

NBC is thankful that they won their first November sweeps in 9 years.  Given they did it on the back of Sunday Night Football, which ends with the playoffs some time in December, The Voice, which will go on hiatus soon until March and Revolution, which is hemorrhaging viewers faster than when it’s video day in Psychology class in a huge lecture hall. But hey, they hand out championship rings at the midway points of seasons, right?…Right?

Speaking of championship rings, I’m thankful for the New York Giants winning their fourth championship, making up for the futility I’ve experienced as a Knicks, Mets, and Islanders fan.  But David Stern, Bud Selig, and Roger Goodell are more thankful for the ineptitude of Gary Bettman as it’s looking less and less likely that the NHL will return this year.  It’s really hard to be the worst commissioner going right now because each guy tries to outdo the other, but I want hockey back.  BU taught me that.  I don’t even really have a joke.  That’s the sad part.

It wouldn’t be TVGasm without bringing up the Real Housewives franchise.  There are six editions of this show currently going in the US.  If these shows teach me anything, it’s that I’m thankful none of these crazy bitches are my mothers, aunts, bosses, neighbors, or crazy cat ladies in apartment 12B.  I’ve got that going for me, at least.  Which is nice.

I am thankful for another summer of Big Brother.  Although, I usually give up on the people in the house within the first couple weeks, it’s fun watching horrific human beings try and coexist with each other in a house as they try to use their brains to manipulate one another while finding a way to validate their decisions through Jesus.  He is their co-pilot, but he can’t compete in this week’s Head of Household competition because he took a slop pass. Even he can’t turn that shit into fish.  I almost want to audition for the show.  If I got in, I would have a slight advantage week 1 being that I’m white. (Sorry, Jodi. Too soon?)

I’m thankful for HBO and Showtime, proving that as long as they can produce shows like Homeland and Game of Thrones everybody else is fucked.  Also, not having to bleep out that last sentence is an advantage to them.

However, AMC and FX come through time and time again. I don’t know what I will do when Breaking Bad is done.  Oh yeah, I can watch Mad Men, American Horror Story, The Walking Dead, It’s Always Sunny, The League, Louie and whatever else they pump out. But I will miss Walter White and Jesse Pinkman. Ever thankful for Chili P. It’s his specialty.

I’m thankful for Louis CK who’s proven that if you have a following you don’t need the red tape and bullshit but can sell directly to your fans.  He’s changed the game for comedy as others followed suit and people are able to enjoy their favorites without having to spend more money and you know what, it lead to less piracy and people respected him especially since they saved in a tough economy.  But fuck that bitch Sandy. She wasted a plane ticket to go see him in New York and a week without power.  Although, in comparison to everyone else, I’m really just bitching about white people problems so I’ll stop before the mob turns on me….Or is it too late?

And finally, I’m thankful for TVGasm, and Flipitand Co. I’ve joined the family just a couple months ago and love hearing the feedback from everybody. It’s great to contribute to something I’ve watched from the sidelines for a couple of years now and I hope I can continue to deliver laughs while you guys sit at home or in your office.  Hopefully, things work out where I can contribute more to the site but I love at the least doing these quick articles for you every day.  So enjoy your Thanksgiving, try not to murder your family, and stay safe.  And remember, you can always just dress up as Turbo Man and your kid won’t care that you didn’t get him that toy…oh wait no they won’t. They’ll whine and cry and tell you that they hate you and how you’re a terrible parent….That’s why kids are the best advertisement for birth control.

What are you guys thankful for?  Tell me in the comments below.

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