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Good evening ‘Gasmii, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Top Chef Seattle. My name is J-Mo, and I’m pretty sure when we began watching this season of our favorite cooking show none of us figured that we had signed on to witness the Miracle Of Birth™…
in all its wondrous glory
I’m going to warn you guys right here and now, this recap is going to be weird, because there’s hardly any fucking cooking going on at all. But please stick with me, because the Finale of Last Chance Kitchen is coming up, and trust me when I say, you do not want to miss this one.
But first, let’s take a look back at the amazingly dramatic moments from last week’s episode…
it was mostly cloudy and overcast with some rain
temperatures were in the mid-to-low 40′s
and the salmon said “bye-bye Lizzie”
And we all said goodbye to another hour of our lives. Moving on, in the first 10 seconds of tonight’s episode, we get bludgeoned by two different product sponsors…
one that used to serve bible verses with their meals
and the other that is flirting with being completely Satanic
We’re all going to need some magical coffee to get through this…
even StacheBear is bored with his storyline
Nevertheless, he’s going to soldier on and tell us how great it feels to be included in this mediocre Top Three, but gosh, he can’t stop thinking about his wiiiiiife, who’s now a full week overdue. It’s so haaaaard for him not to be there with her…
sorry honey, I’d be there if I could, but it’s out of my hands
As the chefs lumber into the kitchen to get their breakfast (Wealthy Choice BAKED meals sprinkled with Effluvia!) they find a note from Scar telling them where to meet her for their QuickFire Challenge…
uhhh, shouldn’t that be “dress warmLY“??!?!?
Also, why does Scar’s signature look like an ejaculating cock head? Anyhow, the chefs are guessing that someplace called “Eagle Crest” is going to be really high up off the ground, which is giving McBitchyson the willies already. She doesn’t know the half of what awaits her as they pile into their Cloyota and start finding their way to “Eagle Crest” utilizing amazing breakthrough technology…
such as the ability to read