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Sunday, February 17, 2013
11:27 am
26 Comments
Tagged: bacon fucker, bacon molester, bacon murderer, bacon raper, boring storylines, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, childbirth is appetizing, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, death-defying helicopter rides, douchebags, Emeril Lagasse, filler, funny, Gail Simmons, Governor Of Alaska, hairy babies, hilarious, Iditarod, J-Mo, Josh Valentine, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, osama bin laden, padma lakshmi, RANDOM BULLSHIT, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, Roy Choi, Sandy Parnell, Sean Parnell, Season Ten Sucks, Sheldon Simeon, show, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Los Angeles, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, unflattering weight loss, Weird Beard, Wolfgang Puck
Good evening ‘Gasmii, and welcome to tonight’s episode of Top Chef Seattle. My name is J-Mo, and I’m pretty sure when we began watching this season of our favorite cooking show none of us figured that we had signed on to witness the Miracle Of Birth™…
in all its wondrous glory
I’m going to warn you guys right here and now, this recap is going to be weird, because there’s hardly any fucking cooking going on at all. But please stick with me, because the Finale of Last Chance Kitchen is coming up, and trust me when I say, you do not want to miss this one.
But first, let’s take a look back at the amazingly dramatic moments from last week’s episode…
it was mostly cloudy and overcast with some rain
temperatures were in the mid-to-low 40′s
and the salmon said “bye-bye Lizzie”
And we all said goodbye to another hour of our lives. Moving on, in the first 10 seconds of tonight’s episode, we get bludgeoned by two different product sponsors…
one that used to serve bible verses with their meals
and the other that is flirting with being completely Satanic
We’re all going to need some magical coffee to get through this…
even StacheBear is bored with his storyline
Nevertheless, he’s going to soldier on and tell us how great it feels to be included in this mediocre Top Three, but gosh, he can’t stop thinking about his wiiiiiife, who’s now a full week overdue. It’s so haaaaard for him not to be there with her…
sorry honey, I’d be there if I could, but it’s out of my hands
As the chefs lumber into the kitchen to get their breakfast (Wealthy Choice BAKED meals sprinkled with Effluvia!) they find a note from Scar telling them where to meet her for their QuickFire Challenge…
uhhh, shouldn’t that be “dress warmLY“??!?!?
Also, why does Scar’s signature look like an ejaculating cock head? Anyhow, the chefs are guessing that someplace called “Eagle Crest” is going to be really high up off the ground, which is giving McBitchyson the willies already. She doesn’t know the half of what awaits her as they pile into their Cloyota and start finding their way to “Eagle Crest” utilizing amazing breakthrough technology…
such as the ability to read
26 Comments
I haven’t read the ‘cap yet, but I just had a chance to watch the show today and I want to make sure I get something straight – am I supposed to feel sorry for Snidely Whiplash because he missed the birth of his child? Well, if I’m supposed to, I don’t. It isn’t like he’s been on the show for 8 months and he didn’t know his wife was pregnant when he left. He knew his wife was pregnant and unless he’s as big of a friggin’ dolt as he is a douche, I’m sure he could do the math – pregnancies last 9 months, I’m on this show for 2 months (or however long), my wife is 7 months pregnant…nah, I’ll be good. Yeah, yeah, it’s his dream to be TopChef, but now his kid will remember that Daddy cared more about losing some stupid reality show than actually being around when she was born. Every time they showed him on the phone with more angst than My So Called Life and Beverly Hills 90210 (the original) combined, I just wanted to punch the TV to shut his whiney douche ass up.
This whole season is a royal mess. It’s contrived with the Last Chance nonsense,placing Kish there for “drama”, God how transparent, not to mention, the obviously scripted dinner conversations, they are jumping the shark all over the place. Top Desperation.
And in addition to that, if all of this wasn’t bad and insulting enough, we must witness
Scar’s consistently Awful taste in clothing–that woman cannot dress, she has no style, and my eyes bleed when I’m forced to look at her.
However, J-Mo, because of you, this season has been a blast, all of the money they spent on this show and it’s only for fodder, for mass scorning, how ironic, but it’s well worth it.
Well, there’s Save a Chef and Last Chance Kitchen. I still think the Kristen debaucle was all about getting people to watch LCK. And I hate that they’ve ruined what used to be a favorite show of mine. For me, it peaked with Season 6 (my fave) and has steadily gone downhill since.
The tweet Douchestach sent about Kristen just verifies that it wasn’t just editing….he truly is a douche. Well, that and him missing the birth of his child to be on a reality show!
JMo, Flipit was my favorite-est recapper until your hilarious effort landed you in first place. But like McBitchy, you don’t win anything for that either!!
With a judge such as Mr La Gassy, one could expect a home cook such as stachey, to do well BUT to get this far?? sacrilege.
Actually, australia has a show about home cooks/chefs, called My Kitchen Rules which is kinda funny. Sort of Restaurant Wars in contestants homes, with Aussie accents.
Thanks for the laughs this morning JMo .
Love the pic with Scar driving and the bus/ train whatever coming!!!! HAAAAA! Was Josh’s failed dish really originally Tom’s??? His whole “want to be a chef” moment was really peculiar. Not saying it ain’t so, but that must have been some great detailed article to make one salivate over fancy organs you’ve never eaten. I’m not salivating of geoduck. Not like nice juicy steak or CRISP BACON. I’d like him to give the year that occured so we can look up back articles and find this culinary literary masterpiece.
Just an fyi JMo, as a woman, it doesn’t matter how many kitties you push out of the litter, it’s a special moment and the partner you did it with should be there. It can be life threatening at worst for either and a bonding moment at best for all three and fam. Since there are now more than a decade of shows, he could’ve auditioned for another. It’s not like on Little House on the Prairie and Charles had to leave to do mining work or carry blasting liquid on wagons under straw and water down to avoid explosions or run a transport business (cueing music while you read all this….da da da da da da daaaauu, da da da da da da da, ….)
Thanks for the comments, ‘Gasmii! I just wanted to let you know that there will be a guest recapper for this next week’s episode, as I am going to be on vacation.
love, J-Mo
P.S. @reality… point taken, thank you for broadening my viewpoint.
I think Padma’s signature looks like a fortune cookie perched on a capital J. Back to the recap!
Screw the show — am I the only one baffled by that little girl’s hair in the Easy Bake picture? Is it like the female equivalent of a mullet?
I loved all of the Fuck You’s! I caught Japanese, Chinese, Thai, and Korean, but I couldn’t figure out all of them — but it had me LOLing all over the place. As did this: all those old dead white people are delicious + the pic of Scar driving. You are the best, JMO! And how is it possible that your kitties got older, but you got younger?
It’s still a great show, because J-Mo recaps it and it’s the inspiration for the recaps. The actual show I gave up on two weeks ago after having watched every episode of every season up until that point. I just don’t give a shit anymore, and I have come to hate Scar with a passion.
@lindaw205 what was the tweet that he sent out about Kristin?
“uhhh, shouldn’t that be “dress warmLY“??!?!?”
Hey, hey, hey, slow your roll there J-Mo. You’re second guessing a published author there. I mean have you had a cookbook published? Or know what the spunk tastes like from a Nobel Prize winner?
By the way, if you can answer yes to either of those questions I will be both highly impressed and amazingly appalled. Well not about the cookbook.
Excellent recap as always J-Mo. Great that you corrected Scar’s grammar! I have to say that I appeciate your consistent good spelling and grammar in your recaps. Some of your fellow recappers, talented as they are, either cannot spell or don’t proofread.
Thanks for explaining Sheldon’s reefer remark. I didn’t understand what led him to think of reefer (not that anything is necessary) but it was dogs! Hmmm-don’t want to know more.
I must defend Sheldon’s food. He has cooked a wide range of meats, seafood, and vegetables using a variety of techniques. Yes, his food is Asian-influenced but that is one of the most sophisticated and popular cuisines in the world so I don’t see the problem.
it was the being in the great outdoors that made sheldon jonez for the spliff. nonthin’ better than being stoned in nature. sheesh. one would think none of you are potheads and if you aren’t what the hell are you doing watching teebee and reading this site for, huh?
I liked this episode just because it had huskies in it. I love huskies! They’re my dream dog cause they’re closest I can get to owning a wolf.
I’m ready for this season to end. I can’t believe there’s still 2 episodes left.
Ah yes the BaconFucker has left the building! Hate him so much! Makes me wonder why I even watch this new fangled contraption called a tv. Ever since they updated our farms with indoor plummin and cable tv’s things have just gone to hell. Love you J-MO! Thank you for the awesome recaps of the worst season ever!
I hate all of these people. I hope Lizzie Borden comes back! Homegirl had grit and for some reason I didn’t really like Top Model that much.
@Catherine – I could have sworn J-Mo published a screen cap of the twitter exchange in the minicap but it’s not there. I apologize, I would’t have mentioned it otherwise and I don’t have twitter myself. Can anyone else remember seeing it and where?
Ah yes, it’s on page 16 of this recap.
@lindaw205 — no it’s my fault, I read the comments before the recap, they’re right there clear as day.
Stachey’s exit makes this whole shit season wothwhile. Well… almost. Thanks for the awesome recaps, J-Mo. You’re the best!
I can’t decide which tag I prefer more: childbirth is appetizing, hairy babies, or unflattering weight loss.
So, with the last of the true assholes gone, we’re pretty much left with the bland.
Can you imagine any of these people making it more than halfway through a “good” season of TC? I swear, this group looks like those that I see in the opening credits of a reality show the last week or two and say “Hey, I totally forgot about that person. Who was that again?”
This season seriously sucks.
I’m glad we still have a chance at an all female finale. I would like it if they bring both girls to do a quick fire that will determine the three that will go on. I mean, people were voting someone back on the show, not onto LCK . . . sigh . . .
Have to agree, that tweet seriously sealed the deal on the douchebaggery, what a jerk! Seriously, they kept him over Lizzie, why!? She at least never lacked creativity, which he severely did . . . I may never eat bacon again!
J-mo, I loved that you said, he saw himself on TV and that’s what he thought was wrong . . . AHHAHAHHAHA!!!!
Thanks as always for your hard work and Kitty Porn . . . my kitties must be runts, they aren’t close to that big, and they’re 4 ish.
Thank god for you and your recaps, J-Mo. This season has sucked, but you are hilarious as ever! I purposely didn’t watch LCK because I wanted it to be a surprise when reading your recap. Imagine my happiness!!
The story Stachey came up with sounded totally made up. What an ass kiss. And ditto to what everyone else said about the whining about missing the birth of your kid. Shut. It. So glad he got the boot. I was nervous thinking that Stoner might go home because too much salt is usually the kiss of death, but I was SOOOO happy that he stayed over this douchenozzle.
Hope you have a fabulous vacation!
SWAK, PottyMouth
Time warp kitty porn is the cutest thing on Earth.
Also unbearably cute? Your family. I want to sew an extra pocket into my favorite jeans so you all can live in there and I can take you guys everywhere I go.
Mainly, everywhere I go consists of work, my bed, and the kitchen, but at least you won’t be scared or confused. You might all fall out and be grievously injured though because I’m a bad sewer.
Also, I finally learned (after years) how to tell Chica and Chunky apart. Small successes.
So glad that Stachebear is gone.
I’m not sure if I call BS on his desire to eat foie gras as a Stachecub though.
Foie gras is one of the most gluttonous products there is. It’s literally produced by stuffing a funnel down a goose’s throat and feeding that fucker until it can’t walk. Of course, this would be intriguing to a fat kid like Stachebear.
You’d also have to be a major asshole to even produce foie gras (those poor geese) so it probably spoke to his douchey, sadistic nature.
So to me, foie gras makes perfect sense for Stachebear, and I’m just proud that he didn’t wrap it in bacon and deep fry that shit.
He was prolly thinking about it though.