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Sunday, February 17, 2013
11:27 am
26 Comments
Tagged: bacon fucker, bacon molester, bacon murderer, bacon raper, boring storylines, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, childbirth is appetizing, CJ Jacobsen, competition, cooking, death-defying helicopter rides, douchebags, Emeril Lagasse, filler, funny, Gail Simmons, Governor Of Alaska, hairy babies, hilarious, Iditarod, J-Mo, Josh Valentine, Last Chance Kitchen, Lizzie Binder, osama bin laden, padma lakshmi, RANDOM BULLSHIT, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, Roy Choi, Sandy Parnell, Sean Parnell, Season Ten Sucks, Sheldon Simeon, show, tom colicchio, top chef, Top Chef Los Angeles, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, unflattering weight loss, Weird Beard, Wolfgang Puck
KIDDING, of course he says he wishes he could be there, but he’s been so busy going on cruises and having lunch with Emeril La Gassy and Asian gangstas and deluding himself that he has a shot at the title of Top Chef, she’s just going to have to soldier through on her own. It’s a good thing that Oklahoma has recently discovered modern medicine and she can actually go to a hospital, rather than having to call Miss Midwife McGillicuddy and spew forth their kid onto a pile of old bedsheets.
Look, I’m not trying to be a (complete) dick here, but this is their fourth kid, this should be kinda familiar by now. Mom-Mo had four kids, and she told me that yes, it was very nerve-wracking when she had my older brother M-Mo, it was the Sixties and she was given a bunch of drugs and woke up to a new baby (who sometimes seems oddly unrelated to the rest of us). She said that I was the easiest because I fairly sprinted down the birth canal in just under two hours (proof that I was born gay and spending time in a vagina was not my thing). My little sister B-Mo was a little more difficult because she was over 9 pounds and my folks were thinking about divorcing each other, so Mom-Mo was kinda distracted. And although my little brother Al-Mo was almost 11 pounds, she was back at work within a few days and I began my indentured servitude as a forced provider of free childcare…
thanks, Mom-Mo, sorry we ruined your body
I guess I’m just annoyed that they’re blowing this whole thing up into some huge deal where StacheWife is made out to be such a martyr for having to have this kid by herself. Single mothers have to do it every day. Watching StacheBear wiping non-existent tears from his bone-dry eyes doesn’t make it any less cloying or fake. Ugh, let’s go to commercial…
my scary wife wouldn’t let me go on Top Chef while she was pregnant
Okay, we’re back, and the chefs are actually going to do some cooking now. McBitchyson says she’s going to need the entire 2½ hours just to conceptualize her dish, it’s really hard for her to remember the exact moment when she knew she wanted to be a chef, because it’s all she’s ever thought about…
plus you can’t just serve a bunch of lightbulb-cooked cakes
StacheBear keeps prodding her to reveal what she’s going to make, but she just has no idea, which is endlessly pleasing to him. Stoner Sheldon, on the other hand, has a very clear idea of what he wants to make, it’s a fish dish inspired by his culinary idol Sam Choy who is a famous Hawaiian chef. And people will be happy to know that I’m not going to bag on him for making an Asian dish this time, because DUH, that’s obviously appropriate in the context of this challenge.
26 Comments
I haven’t read the ‘cap yet, but I just had a chance to watch the show today and I want to make sure I get something straight – am I supposed to feel sorry for Snidely Whiplash because he missed the birth of his child? Well, if I’m supposed to, I don’t. It isn’t like he’s been on the show for 8 months and he didn’t know his wife was pregnant when he left. He knew his wife was pregnant and unless he’s as big of a friggin’ dolt as he is a douche, I’m sure he could do the math – pregnancies last 9 months, I’m on this show for 2 months (or however long), my wife is 7 months pregnant…nah, I’ll be good. Yeah, yeah, it’s his dream to be TopChef, but now his kid will remember that Daddy cared more about losing some stupid reality show than actually being around when she was born. Every time they showed him on the phone with more angst than My So Called Life and Beverly Hills 90210 (the original) combined, I just wanted to punch the TV to shut his whiney douche ass up.
This whole season is a royal mess. It’s contrived with the Last Chance nonsense,placing Kish there for “drama”, God how transparent, not to mention, the obviously scripted dinner conversations, they are jumping the shark all over the place. Top Desperation.
And in addition to that, if all of this wasn’t bad and insulting enough, we must witness
Scar’s consistently Awful taste in clothing–that woman cannot dress, she has no style, and my eyes bleed when I’m forced to look at her.
However, J-Mo, because of you, this season has been a blast, all of the money they spent on this show and it’s only for fodder, for mass scorning, how ironic, but it’s well worth it.
Well, there’s Save a Chef and Last Chance Kitchen. I still think the Kristen debaucle was all about getting people to watch LCK. And I hate that they’ve ruined what used to be a favorite show of mine. For me, it peaked with Season 6 (my fave) and has steadily gone downhill since.
The tweet Douchestach sent about Kristen just verifies that it wasn’t just editing….he truly is a douche. Well, that and him missing the birth of his child to be on a reality show!
JMo, Flipit was my favorite-est recapper until your hilarious effort landed you in first place. But like McBitchy, you don’t win anything for that either!!
With a judge such as Mr La Gassy, one could expect a home cook such as stachey, to do well BUT to get this far?? sacrilege.
Actually, australia has a show about home cooks/chefs, called My Kitchen Rules which is kinda funny. Sort of Restaurant Wars in contestants homes, with Aussie accents.
Thanks for the laughs this morning JMo .
Love the pic with Scar driving and the bus/ train whatever coming!!!! HAAAAA! Was Josh’s failed dish really originally Tom’s??? His whole “want to be a chef” moment was really peculiar. Not saying it ain’t so, but that must have been some great detailed article to make one salivate over fancy organs you’ve never eaten. I’m not salivating of geoduck. Not like nice juicy steak or CRISP BACON. I’d like him to give the year that occured so we can look up back articles and find this culinary literary masterpiece.
Just an fyi JMo, as a woman, it doesn’t matter how many kitties you push out of the litter, it’s a special moment and the partner you did it with should be there. It can be life threatening at worst for either and a bonding moment at best for all three and fam. Since there are now more than a decade of shows, he could’ve auditioned for another. It’s not like on Little House on the Prairie and Charles had to leave to do mining work or carry blasting liquid on wagons under straw and water down to avoid explosions or run a transport business (cueing music while you read all this….da da da da da da daaaauu, da da da da da da da, ….)
Thanks for the comments, ‘Gasmii! I just wanted to let you know that there will be a guest recapper for this next week’s episode, as I am going to be on vacation.
love, J-Mo
P.S. @reality… point taken, thank you for broadening my viewpoint.
I think Padma’s signature looks like a fortune cookie perched on a capital J. Back to the recap!
Screw the show — am I the only one baffled by that little girl’s hair in the Easy Bake picture? Is it like the female equivalent of a mullet?
I loved all of the Fuck You’s! I caught Japanese, Chinese, Thai, and Korean, but I couldn’t figure out all of them — but it had me LOLing all over the place. As did this: all those old dead white people are delicious + the pic of Scar driving. You are the best, JMO! And how is it possible that your kitties got older, but you got younger?
It’s still a great show, because J-Mo recaps it and it’s the inspiration for the recaps. The actual show I gave up on two weeks ago after having watched every episode of every season up until that point. I just don’t give a shit anymore, and I have come to hate Scar with a passion.
@lindaw205 what was the tweet that he sent out about Kristin?
“uhhh, shouldn’t that be “dress warmLY“??!?!?”
Hey, hey, hey, slow your roll there J-Mo. You’re second guessing a published author there. I mean have you had a cookbook published? Or know what the spunk tastes like from a Nobel Prize winner?
By the way, if you can answer yes to either of those questions I will be both highly impressed and amazingly appalled. Well not about the cookbook.
Excellent recap as always J-Mo. Great that you corrected Scar’s grammar! I have to say that I appeciate your consistent good spelling and grammar in your recaps. Some of your fellow recappers, talented as they are, either cannot spell or don’t proofread.
Thanks for explaining Sheldon’s reefer remark. I didn’t understand what led him to think of reefer (not that anything is necessary) but it was dogs! Hmmm-don’t want to know more.
I must defend Sheldon’s food. He has cooked a wide range of meats, seafood, and vegetables using a variety of techniques. Yes, his food is Asian-influenced but that is one of the most sophisticated and popular cuisines in the world so I don’t see the problem.
it was the being in the great outdoors that made sheldon jonez for the spliff. nonthin’ better than being stoned in nature. sheesh. one would think none of you are potheads and if you aren’t what the hell are you doing watching teebee and reading this site for, huh?
I liked this episode just because it had huskies in it. I love huskies! They’re my dream dog cause they’re closest I can get to owning a wolf.
I’m ready for this season to end. I can’t believe there’s still 2 episodes left.
Ah yes the BaconFucker has left the building! Hate him so much! Makes me wonder why I even watch this new fangled contraption called a tv. Ever since they updated our farms with indoor plummin and cable tv’s things have just gone to hell. Love you J-MO! Thank you for the awesome recaps of the worst season ever!
I hate all of these people. I hope Lizzie Borden comes back! Homegirl had grit and for some reason I didn’t really like Top Model that much.
@Catherine – I could have sworn J-Mo published a screen cap of the twitter exchange in the minicap but it’s not there. I apologize, I would’t have mentioned it otherwise and I don’t have twitter myself. Can anyone else remember seeing it and where?
Ah yes, it’s on page 16 of this recap.
@lindaw205 — no it’s my fault, I read the comments before the recap, they’re right there clear as day.
Stachey’s exit makes this whole shit season wothwhile. Well… almost. Thanks for the awesome recaps, J-Mo. You’re the best!
I can’t decide which tag I prefer more: childbirth is appetizing, hairy babies, or unflattering weight loss.
So, with the last of the true assholes gone, we’re pretty much left with the bland.
Can you imagine any of these people making it more than halfway through a “good” season of TC? I swear, this group looks like those that I see in the opening credits of a reality show the last week or two and say “Hey, I totally forgot about that person. Who was that again?”
This season seriously sucks.
I’m glad we still have a chance at an all female finale. I would like it if they bring both girls to do a quick fire that will determine the three that will go on. I mean, people were voting someone back on the show, not onto LCK . . . sigh . . .
Have to agree, that tweet seriously sealed the deal on the douchebaggery, what a jerk! Seriously, they kept him over Lizzie, why!? She at least never lacked creativity, which he severely did . . . I may never eat bacon again!
J-mo, I loved that you said, he saw himself on TV and that’s what he thought was wrong . . . AHHAHAHHAHA!!!!
Thanks as always for your hard work and Kitty Porn . . . my kitties must be runts, they aren’t close to that big, and they’re 4 ish.
Thank god for you and your recaps, J-Mo. This season has sucked, but you are hilarious as ever! I purposely didn’t watch LCK because I wanted it to be a surprise when reading your recap. Imagine my happiness!!
The story Stachey came up with sounded totally made up. What an ass kiss. And ditto to what everyone else said about the whining about missing the birth of your kid. Shut. It. So glad he got the boot. I was nervous thinking that Stoner might go home because too much salt is usually the kiss of death, but I was SOOOO happy that he stayed over this douchenozzle.
Hope you have a fabulous vacation!
SWAK, PottyMouth
Time warp kitty porn is the cutest thing on Earth.
Also unbearably cute? Your family. I want to sew an extra pocket into my favorite jeans so you all can live in there and I can take you guys everywhere I go.
Mainly, everywhere I go consists of work, my bed, and the kitchen, but at least you won’t be scared or confused. You might all fall out and be grievously injured though because I’m a bad sewer.
Also, I finally learned (after years) how to tell Chica and Chunky apart. Small successes.
So glad that Stachebear is gone.
I’m not sure if I call BS on his desire to eat foie gras as a Stachecub though.
Foie gras is one of the most gluttonous products there is. It’s literally produced by stuffing a funnel down a goose’s throat and feeding that fucker until it can’t walk. Of course, this would be intriguing to a fat kid like Stachebear.
You’d also have to be a major asshole to even produce foie gras (those poor geese) so it probably spoke to his douchey, sadistic nature.
So to me, foie gras makes perfect sense for Stachebear, and I’m just proud that he didn’t wrap it in bacon and deep fry that shit.
He was prolly thinking about it though.