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KIDDING, of course he says he wishes he could be there, but he’s been so busy going on cruises and having lunch with Emeril La Gassy and Asian gangstas and deluding himself that he has a shot at the title of Top Chef, she’s just going to have to soldier through on her own. It’s a good thing that Oklahoma has recently discovered modern medicine and she can actually go to a hospital, rather than having to call Miss Midwife McGillicuddy and spew forth their kid onto a pile of old bedsheets.
Look, I’m not trying to be a (complete) dick here, but this is their fourth kid, this should be kinda familiar by now. Mom-Mo had four kids, and she told me that yes, it was very nerve-wracking when she had my older brother M-Mo, it was the Sixties and she was given a bunch of drugs and woke up to a new baby (who sometimes seems oddly unrelated to the rest of us). She said that I was the easiest because I fairly sprinted down the birth canal in just under two hours (proof that I was born gay and spending time in a vagina was not my thing). My little sister B-Mo was a little more difficult because she was over 9 pounds and my folks were thinking about divorcing each other, so Mom-Mo was kinda distracted. And although my little brother Al-Mo was almost 11 pounds, she was back at work within a few days and I began my indentured servitude as a forced provider of free childcare…
thanks, Mom-Mo, sorry we ruined your body
I guess I’m just annoyed that they’re blowing this whole thing up into some huge deal where StacheWife is made out to be such a martyr for having to have this kid by herself. Single mothers have to do it every day. Watching StacheBear wiping non-existent tears from his bone-dry eyes doesn’t make it any less cloying or fake. Ugh, let’s go to commercial…
my scary wife wouldn’t let me go on Top Chef while she was pregnant
Okay, we’re back, and the chefs are actually going to do some cooking now. McBitchyson says she’s going to need the entire 2½ hours just to conceptualize her dish, it’s really hard for her to remember the exact moment when she knew she wanted to be a chef, because it’s all she’s ever thought about…
plus you can’t just serve a bunch of lightbulb-cooked cakes
StacheBear keeps prodding her to reveal what she’s going to make, but she just has no idea, which is endlessly pleasing to him. Stoner Sheldon, on the other hand, has a very clear idea of what he wants to make, it’s a fish dish inspired by his culinary idol Sam Choy who is a famous Hawaiian chef. And people will be happy to know that I’m not going to bag on him for making an Asian dish this time, because DUH, that’s obviously appropriate in the context of this challenge.