Top Chef Recap: Crap Chef

36 Comments

1. 1
   billyjeansss
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 3:28 pm

   What is wrong with Rapunzel’s bangs? Am I the only one who wanted to run a flat iron through it??

2. 2
   sagittariuskim
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

   This cast clearly think they can do no wrong. We have seen them patting each other on the back several times saying their food is good. What’s wrong with their taste buds, or is it just denial?

   I couldn’t even roll my eyes at StacheBear saying he was likable. I was too dumbfounded that somebody could lack that much self awareness. Even the Housewives have moments of self awareness.

3. 3
   crankyguy
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

   What kind of dish can be made primarily out of pickles? I would just skewer a pickle on a stick and serve it with a little paper cup of French’s yellow mustard. THAT is respecting the pickle.

4. 4
   vallegirl
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

   Shirley de Koko Nah? I think we have the season 6 winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race!

   By the way, per Hugh’s blog people who follow Widespread Panic are called “Spreadheads.” Ew.

   But also thanks to Hugh referencing Bart’s awkward run, comparing him to the Black Knight from “Holy Grail” and saying he’s the most amiably goofy person he’s ever met, I now know why I like Bart so much despite him not doing much: He’s Michael Palin. Sigh, I love Michael Palin.

   I will partially defend Rapunzel’s (Brave’s? What’s her real name?) decision to do a dessert. It was a milk chocolate which is way too sweet to use in a savory dish, let alone with some kind of fish. Their dessert was not good, but fish in a milk chocolate sauce? Blech.

   And, yes, Josh is quite possibly the most repulsive person ever cast. He’s like a slurry of Ilan, Fleasa, Spike, Hoser, Isabella with a Marcelschino cherry on top.

5. 5
   aliens.rock
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 5:21 pm

   I almost died when I read “duck a la septique tanque”…
   J-Mo…You rock, man…
   I know a dish made with pickles. It comes from my country…It’s a pickle soup. It tastes better than it sounds but I never liked it. It is pretty sour, even if you add some cream, and I imagine it would be also pretty spicy if you make it with spicy pickles. I actually love pickles..It makes me wonder why Uni-Ball and Tyler didn’t serve them straight out of the jar….They really droppped the ball (no pun intended).

6. 6
   Valleygirl
   Posted December 9, 2012 at 8:11 pm

   What was up with that nip pinch? And I agree with what someone said in the mini that it was unfair to make these chefs wake up early AND cook twice in less than six hours. The judges were surprised the food sucked? I wasn’t. And poor Tyler right??? He was harmless and Uni brought him straight down.

   Plot twist: StacheBear’s in love with Hater.
   Am I the only one who sees it? Probably? Ok.

7. 7
   JimbobJones
   Posted December 10, 2012 at 4:20 am

   @Valleygirl — I don’t find it particularly unfair. These are supposed to be “Top Chefs”, working long shifts cooking every day, and you’re telling me that none of them can work 6 hours in a day? For the money they’ll be getting for a month of work if they win?

   This show is not nice to return contestants. Outside of Carla (who I don’t think has an asshole bone in her body) and a couple of others that I disliked during their first seasons (Tiffany springs to mind), there hasn’t been a return contestant that I haven’t hated more the second time around than I did when they were around the first time. When Stephan is the one I like MOST of the three returning chefs, we have problems. It’s like they all left, got enormous egos because they were on TV, and all came back douchesacks. (Or half a sack, in Uniball’s case).

   I was ECSTATIC when I saw the bottom three teams this week, simply because I knew that at least one person I hated was going home.

   Am I the only one starting to like Hater-tots? I guess in comparison to Snidley Whipfat, he’s just seeming nicer, but, even though he isn’t nice about what he says, he isn’t wrong in what he says. Whereas a few of the other “assholes” (Uniball and Snidley, to start) are assholes AND delusional about their capabilities, Hater is simply an asshole.

   “wanna bet this is UniBall’s O-face, too?”

   In his defense, if you only had one ball, you’d be making an extra-expressive O-face yourself, just to let the other person know you were REALLY into it. How else will they know?

   Also, J-Mo, you are no longer allowed to post pictures of Kristen. I swear to God that every picture you posted this week makes her look like an Asian boy or an Asian boy in drag. With the fugly women on this season of TC (I swear, there’s like 3 semi-attractive ones, and Kristen, who isn’t so cute when all your pictures make her look like Short Round), you’re taking away the straight-guy eye-candy.

   Padma just doesn’t do it for me — which is weird, because I’m married to an Indian woman. It may be that, at some point, she was in the same room as Sleazabella, and that crap rubs off on you (like old-man taint, which has also happened to her far too often to consider).

   Also — what the hell are you telling that poor cat? She looks shocked!

8. 8
   JimbobJones
   Posted December 10, 2012 at 4:21 am

   Oh, BTW, my comment above was not an invitation to start posting more pictures of this season’s Carla. Every time I look at her, I hear her voice. And that is decidedly NOT attractive.

9. 9
   zerocool
   Posted December 10, 2012 at 7:20 am

   LOL, Jimbob, when you said Carla I immediately thought of Beaker who truly doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. Has anyone been watching the Next Iron Chef? Marcel is doing really well. I’m actually rooting for the little monkey.

   J-Mo, I was a punk in high school but I secretely had a cassette-single of Blame it on the Rain, I loved that song!

   It was me in the minicap about sleep deprivation. My point is they should be judged at their best, not their worst which isn’t what TC should be about.

10. 10
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 7:44 am

    I am so embarrassed that I liked CJ.
    Sooo embarrassed, it’s not even funny.
    What the fuck is his problem? I felt bad enough that he ran roughshod over poor Tyler and assaulted poor tiny McBitchyson for that griddle when there were plenty more on the floor there, but that shit he said about the dessert in front of the judges was so unbelievable.
    Obviously, if the dessert isn’t up there and his dish is, the judges found your food more abhorrent.
    What was he hoping to accomplish, besides making an ass of himself? Did he think the judges would agree and ask for the dessert team to come in? Just beyond arrogant and childish.

    I love that Hughnibrow shut him down so thoroughly and unapologetically though, and didn’t pull any punches at any point in the episode. If we could have more Hughnibrow and less La Gassy, I’d be so happy.
    Also, Wolfgang is obviously too busy for this shit. Haven’t seen him since the selection rounds.

    Sir Bart trying to run past CJ made me laugh so hard. I don’t know if it was the look of single-minded determination on his face, or the fact that he was trying to squish himself between a person and a stack of pots, but that scene brought tears to my eyes and I love that you screencapped it.

    It’s sad that there are so few likeable people left on this show.
    Everyone is annoying (Hater Tots, Josh, Micah, Josie) or boring as fuck (Brave, McBitchyson, Eliza, and Liz).
    I only like Bart, Stefan, and Kristen.
    And Sheldon is just there.

11. 11
    crankyguy
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 9:18 am

    “What was he [CJ] hoping to accomplish?”

    He was complaining later that he was unfairly judged, so I think he really was trying to get the judges to send him back to safety and bring that dessert up instead. Hey, that shit works on Hell’s Kitchen.

    If only he had made grilled cheese sandwiches instead of a burgers. Can you get a grilled cheese at McDonald’s? Burger King? Hell, no — it takes an accomplished chef to make those things, like the guys working at Denny’s. And, as far as I’m concerned, a grilled cheese is not worth eating without pickles. Or he could have made Tyler’s pickle fritters. That’s a better idea.

12. 12
    Detinha
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 9:46 am

    I used to like CJ too, chaos! Let’s share the embarrassement! :-/

    Marcel as Iron Chef?! I’m in! Although he likes to spit foam in every dish. Better him than Spike. **shudders**

    I think this is the weakest group of chefstants. No creativity, nothing interesting! But I love your recaps, J-Mo,so there’s hope!

13. 13
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 11:42 am

    @zerocool — I think more than anything, I hate Mouthy Carla from this season because she besmirched the name “Carla”. Now I need to clarify which one I’m talking about, and that ain’t right.

14. 14
    lindaw205
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 12:39 pm

    They seem to have purposefully brought together unlikeable contestants this year. Maybe they want HaterTots to win and have surrounded him with people even more detestable to make him look good.

    Josie needs to take her giant chiclet teeth home. They remind me of that Dennis the Menace movie when Mr Wilson has the huge chiclets in his dentures. She even smiles like he did for his picture. Wait, she kinda looks like him, too. Could she be Walter Matthau in drag?

15. 15
    salex
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 1:21 pm

    Speaking of Marcel, I wish somebody would hold down Rapunzel and WASH her hair, or barring that shave it off and have her start over.

16. 16
    Detinha
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    BTW, I just added to my Christmas shopping list a Joey Lawrence CD for you and a Just My Size bra for CJ!

    *My captcha code is “Treat Yo Self**LMAO

17. 17
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 10, 2012 at 3:48 pm

    “I used to like CJ too, chaos! Let’s share the embarrassement! :-/”

    @detinha, we need to form a support group. I know we aren’t the only ones in this situation.

18. 18
    crazy rooster
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 3:21 am

    Good job on the market sign.

19. 19
    PottyMouth
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 6:26 am

    J-Mo,

    Your Top Chef recaps always make me ridiculously happy. Thanks so much for the shout out! It’s been a surprisingly good season on the island!

    Uniball was such a prick this episode. From basically ignoring his partner’s ideas to then trying to call out a dish that wasn’t even up for elimination…what a tool. I actually thought Weird’s dish sounded promising. But I guess when you’ve just got the one ball you have to overcompensate everywhere else. Or try to.

    I always love when Daddy Tom gets his undies in a bunch about the dishes being bad; I bet some of them would love it if he’d give them a spanking! (or maybe that’s just me…..don’t look at me like that!) And as much as I love Daddy Tom, I have to say that Hughinbrow has now won my everlasting love for his smack down of Uniball. (He had me at “These grits suck” and it only got better)

    Anyway, thanks so much for always bringing the funny – your recaps make my day. Love you, mean it!

    SWAK, PottyMouth

20. 20
    juddfan
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 10:01 am

    well, I think it’s rare when chef’s come back and aren’t douche-nozzles . . . and from what I’ve seen of Josie, she seems nice-ish. To be honest, this show just flows by, and I don’t soak in too much.

    J-mo . . . hmm, Hater-stash, if he didn’t have the attitude, and the mustache wax, seems like he’d be your type, am I wrong!? His problem with Tyler was so stupid . . . . sigh . . .

    Was not the greatest to have such a weak showing all around, but, it was fun to see the judges apologize and punish them, hee . . . just wish they had paddles!

    xoxoxo!

21. 21
    juddfan
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

    OMG, Potty . . . I didn’t see your comment till I posted mine, heh, see . . . great minds think alike!!!

22. 22
    Rebecca
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    Laughed so hard i cried over this:
    ” Right now I just want to ask you guys, have you ever ordered a meal like this?: “I’ll have some pickle chips on a bun, please… and would you add some onions, lettuce, tomato, mayo, ketchup, mustard, cheese and a ground beef patty?”

    Ty! Needed that laugh! J-mo u are the best recapper ever!

23. 23
    TallGirl
    Posted December 11, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    I was shocked that Thumbhead was only 40 as well. Then again, I don’t think that Douchemaster C.J. is over 40 yet, and he looks more like 50 with all that sun damage and the deep grooves in his forehead. Ah, yes, this episode displayed all of his finer qualities that I felt all along lurked beneath the surface. Been around too many tall-jock guys who thought they were the bomb just because they’re tall and on a sports team and nothing to do with their actual abilities. Mike Isabella thought he was so cool that he could be mean to that older woman, Robin, and exclude her from the cool crowd.

    I hope that Tyler grows some balls (and assuming Uni can’t regenerate his missing one) and takes down C.J. in the next round of Last Chance kitchen.

    Josie needs to go down in flames as well. She gives the term “bull dyke” a bad name. She already got one verbal slap-down from the judges for her misery of a turkey, so I hope she gets a spanking again and is sent packing. It will be interesting to see if she is paired with someone else with a stronger personality like maybe Stachey and see who really throws down.

24. 24
    badgerfreak
    Posted December 12, 2012 at 6:45 am

    I have to join in the embarrassment of former CJ love as well. There should be a group therapy session or something. What the hell was that?? I’ll let you slip by with being competitive and stealing the equipment, but this is Top Chef, and as much as I love Hell’s Kitchen, you can’t pull that kinda shit on this show. Calling out another team on your way out the door reeks of desperation. So much for your ego…
    I completely agree that no one should’ve won. I do think it was kind of unnecessary that both team members got eliminated, especially since we just had 2 chefs go home the week before. I think this is how they are allowed to bring back the one person from LCK in the finale without it screwing up the numbers too badly.
    I was surprised that Hatertots and Stachey were up there compared to Blowsie. She had sand and ROCKS in her dish!! How is that acceptable? IMO dirty food is worse than poorly made grits. I loved that Daddy Tom came in to orally spank them in the stew room. I also was annoyed that (Rapunzel I think) was whining that no one got the win. Clearly, you pissed the judges off pretty badly. I think the last time we saw such an angry set of judges was when they made them re-do restaurant wars.

25. 25
    Tom
    Posted December 12, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    CJ was so, incredibly douchy this episode. Hugh has really grown me, his comeback to CJ was awesome.And Josh must be delusional or on good meds because he is not likeable, at all.

26. 26
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 12, 2012 at 9:03 pm

    OK, this is actually a comment from THIS week’s Top Chef.

    The curly red-haired girl is an orphan (well, adopted). You NEED to change her nickname to Annie.

27. 27
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 12, 2012 at 9:48 pm

    ^ Yes. yes yes this needs to happen.

    She’s also a perfect candidate to burst into a rousing rendition of “Tomorrow”, given her circumstances.

28. 28
    timgunnssister
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 11:58 am

    Why no fried pickles?

    I loves me some fried pickles.

    Uni-Ball is the biggest assclown I have ever seen on Top Chef.

29. 29
    vallegirl
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    What I don’t get is why everyone else seems to buy into CJ’s BS. Sure, think the world of yourself but how has he ever distinguished himself as a chef that he’s convinced others to listen to him? Even that steak tartare he was so proud of and claimed that if others didn’t like it they had a problem was a recipe was one he cribbed from that Danish restaurant where he “interned.”

30. 30
    J-Mo
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 3:43 pm

    Hahahaha, you guys are so sweet and awesome, thanks so much for all the comments, it’s like Christmas came early to the Mo house!

    A few things…

    vallegirl… “Spreadheads”??!?! That sounds like an “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” club. I think “Panic Fanics” would be better.

    JimBob Jones… I meant to tell you last week that YES, that is a Hulk Hogan Boppin’ Buddy in the background of that pic, I keep him around so when I get annoyed I can punch him in the face (this used to happen a lot more often back when his reality show was on the air). And regarding returning chefs, I think Tiffani Faison actually took steps to change her image after seeing what a cooze she had been on Season One, but otherwise I think you’re right, the ego that these people get from having been on the show before is too much for them to not become jerkywads when they get invited back. Additionally, I’m finding Hater-Tots to be more and more likable as the season progresses, maybe because he’s really trying hard, and maybe because so many of the others are such dinkweeds he looks good in comparison. Lastly, I am not trying to make Kristen look fug, I do the same thing with her that I do with everybody, I step-frame the video until I find the most hideous face they can make and THEN I take my screenshot. I had not noticed Kristen was looking any worse for wear, but now that you’ve pointed it out, I might just have to doctor all future shots of her to add some facial hair or blackened teefs or a witch-mole or something (I can be obsessive about this, I dunno if you guys noticed, but there isn’t a single picture of CJ where the top of his head made it into the frame… THAT’S my level of commitment to recapping).

    zerocool, you, me and Arsenio Hall all love that song… and did you know that “Blame It On The Rain” was written by Diane Warren (who also wrote just about every other insanely popular pop hit from the 80′s and 90′s, including “Solitaire” by Laura Branigan, “Rhythm Of The Night” by DeBarge, “I Get Weak” by Belinda Carlisle, “Love Will Lead You Back” by Taylor Dayne, “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” by Starship, “If I Could Turn Back Time” by Cher, “If You Asked Me To” and “Because You Loved Me” by Celine Dion, “How Do I Live” and “Can’t Fight The Moonlight” by LeeAn Rimes, “Un-Break My Heart” by Toni Braxton, and the truly horrible “Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing” by Aerosmith).

    crazy rooster… good catch on the market sign… 8)

    PottyMouth… love to you always…

    juddfan… StacheBear isn’t really big enough to be my type, plus I don’t like hipster facial hair, and his attitude says he hasn’t had a decent blowjob in a very long time, and I would not wanna be the one to give it to him. a) he doesn’t deserve it and b) he’d never get over it, LOLOLOL >:)

    And for all the former CJ fans, I feel your pain, I was kinda hoping Stefan would be kinda cool and funny, and so far he’s just being a douche as usual (I loved him for melting into sweetness when Carla (Beaker) got screwed in the Finale of Season 5 and she started to cry).

    Thanks again to everybody for the kind compliments, and taking time out to read, I’m working on the new recap now!

    love, J-Mo

    P.S. JimBobJones, I am gonna try something with Rapunzel, I dunno if I’ll keep it or not, but we’ll see how it goes…

31. 31
    lindaw205
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Call me silly but I kinda like Stefan. He’s douchey but he’s not mean spirited about it and can be pretty funny sometimes. I liked him his first season, too, but that could be because I hated Hoser so much.

32. 32
    Exene
    Posted December 13, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    I like Stefan, too– he’s so pathetic with his crushes– Kristen this season, and the annoying blonde of his season (I forget her name — Lauren, maybe?).

33. 33
    JimbobJones
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 12:20 am

    OK, J-Mo — as long as you do it to EVERYBODY, I guess it’s ok for you to destroy poor Kristen. Just remember that next time I post a picture of DirtyBear with GroanyBooger’s face. Granted, I’d have to remove some of her facial hair, but still, it can be done.

    Love the commitment, though.

34. 34
    lindaw205
    Posted December 14, 2012 at 5:25 pm

    @Exene – I remember her as Turdle. I rarely know their real names which makes it impossible for me to go on a Top Chef forum and comment. I never know who they’re talking about.

35. 35
    Daisy
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    Have you read anyone else’s blog besides your own? try Judge Hugh Acheson’s BLOG where he states

    “Eliza & Josie: Curry Cardamom Broth, Manila Clams & Seared White King Salmon

    Not shabby. Probably would have won if TC hadn’t taken away that chance.”

    Not everything/ everyone is how you make them out to be J-MO. “BLOWSIE” is one of my faves this season with Stoner Sheldon! I am very entertained by your blog, but i feel you are not being fair. see you next week!

36. 36
    Khakie
    Posted December 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm

    Season 5 is one of the few seasons I’ve watched and I love Steven