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Sunday, February 3, 2013
9:56 pm
35 Comments
Tagged: bacon bacon bacon, bacon-note chef, booze cruise, bravo, Brooke Williamson, chef, come aboard, competition, cooking, cruise ships, curtis stone, exciting and new, filler, funny, hilarious, Hugh Acheson, J-Mo, Josh Valentine, Julie your cruise director, Kevin Bacon, lettuce wraps can kill you, Lizzie Binder, manicures will remove your penis, one-note chef, padma lakshmi, promises something for everyone, reality, reality tv, recap, recaps, Sheldon Simeon, show, soon we'll be making another run, Stefan Richter, surf'n'turf, thalassophobia, the Asian chef who makes only Asian food, The Love Boat, tom colicchio, top chef, top chef masters, Top Chef Seattle, TV, tvgasm, we're expecting you
Stoner’s manicurist has a viry funny iccent hersilf, viry fimiliar-sounding, and it turn out she’s from Siwth Ifrica, too! She and Lizzie start to chat about their hometowns, and Lizzie reveals they just packed up and moved out of her parents’ house at the end of last year under very sad circumstances. Remember Lizzie’s dad?….
the one I said was kind of a hot rugged bear in his younger days?
Well, it turns out he died just a few months ago, which means it is still difficult for Lizzie to talk about it without getting choked up for real, and it’s a good reminder to me of why I really should not comment on the hotness of other people’s family members, cuz if Moley Micah ever tells Lizzie about how to find these recaps, she may feel weird reading that…
sorry about that, girl, hope the accent transcription makes you laugh a little
Up on deck, the other three have converged to take part in something unique and interesting that you simply cannot do while on land…
get drunk
StacheBear reminds us that his wife is home pregnant with his kid, and her due date is today, so he’s missing her. Aw shucks, how sweet! Except then he turns right around and erases any goodwill when he starts making homophobic slurs about Stoner getting a manicure, guffawing that he’ll be interested to see if Stoner has become a woman after having one. Uh, last time I checked, manicures did not include sexual-reassignment surgery, so that’s a pretty ignorant thing to say, even as a lame joke. But as usual, StacheBear is proud of his dumbassery: “Where I come from, men don’t get manicures.” and then he winks, which I suspect means…
rough hands help you hold the pig in place while you fuck it
Oh, I know it’s harmless and StacheBear is just having fun, it’s not like he’s in an industry where he’s ever going to come in actual contact with any gay people or anything. I’m sure he says this stuff in the same spirit that he tells his favorite n-word jokes… with affection and casual indifference. Ugh, let’s go to commercial…
apparently ginger will make you really constipated to the point of hurty-poo
When we return, the chefs are about to enter the ship’s fine-dining restaurant called Q-Zine…
which is inexplicably spelled with a letter “S”
35 Comments
A little correction, “Europeans (Outside Of, Like, France and [Italy]).”
This season has felt really long. And none of the challenges have been exciting.
I hope StacheBear gets kicked off next week. Does he seriously not hear the crap he spews? Just think there is one a woman out there who let him impregnate her multiple times.
I don’t know if Lizzie can win, but I think she could sneak into st least the final 3. She really under the radar. I can’t remember most of the things she’s cooked.
What in the hell is papadum, it sounds like lady parts!!!
“He walks like a chef” LMFAO. What the hell kind of statement is that?
I’m actually very glad that the “second chance” chefs are all gone. I didn’t agree with them returning in the first place
Top Model or McBitchyson needs to win this thing.
Overall this was a crappy episode – thanks to J-Mo for making it entertaining.
Yay for the Alaska picture! (Queen-style, not state-style)
I love that McBitchsyon called Sheldon out for only ever making Asian food. It’s about time someone hear my screams from my apartment! I love the, “I’m not!” “Bullshit!” exchange.
When does Top Model get to come back into the competition? And is the Save a Chef real? Like does someone else also get voted back onto the show?! It’s like they are afraid they won’t get renewed so they’re just stretching it out as long as they can. I’d love to have Badma get left out in the tundra somewhere and left there. She didn’t always bother me this much, but she’s cranked it up several notches this season. I love Hughnibrow, can he be full time? He’s so blunt and honest, and I don’t feel like he plays favorites.
Hi Chica! We missed you!
Walking like a chef simply means you paid your dues to get your cushy job and bit the pillow . . . kidding . . .
McBitchy seems to be the front runner in this grouping. Thumby was way overdue for departure. Stachy can kiss my assey, that is some real tired, cliched, sexist, homophobe bullshit he touted thinking he was funny. I don’t think you’re wrong about him, J-mo. How many times does he just bury the conversation in douchiness for the sake of being a douche!!!
Would love to see an all girl finale, including the returning Top Model. Stoner and Stashy seem like two really weak choices, and are just lucky to have shined a few times on challenges they were suited too. Lizzy seems way more well rounded and experimental, as does McBitchy, so I’m crossing my fingers!!!
Sorry I didn’t comment last week, was crazed here, but I had your recap to keep me company throughout and loved it like always!!! Mwah!!! You’re killing it with your photoshop stuff!!!
“rough hands help you hold the pig in place while you fuck it”
FUCKING GENIUS! ok back to reading. Damn that was good
Question for the male gender gasmi – what does it mean when a guy *coughthumbyheadcough* manages to mention on EVERY. SINGLE. EPISODE. that he’s not gay?
Does it mean he’s not or he’s the opposite of not?
Oh and ‘His total lack of comprehendible critiques is pissing me off… ‘….I agree. He needs to just shut up and look pretty. Or go get a jar of pickled lettuce and we’ll get our freak on.
@timgunnssister, it might mean he gets mistaken for gay a lot, so he needs to keep it perfectly clear that he is not. I know what you are implying, but I don’t think you can count on that.
Oh, I am NOT gay by the way. I am sooooo NOT gay that the sight of my own dick absolutely disgusts me.
Thank God they extended the episode for an extra 15 minutes, I really needed an in-depth look at how chefs get manicures. And how homophobia is alive and well in the Midwest.
I’m on page for and am laughing so hard my ribs hurt!
*thought bubbles* bacon bacon bacon bacon chicks cant cook bacon bacon bacon don’t look gay bacon bacon
ROFL! It was hysterical and fun to search for each hidden gem. You are fricken’ brilliant!
” SpongeBitch SuckPants”
Oh, J-Mo, you always make a (STILL for fuck’s sake) very sick girl literally laugh (or snort) out loud. *First* paragraph. Thank you.
Back to reading…
Oh, and I apologize if this has been previously discussed, but WTF is UP with the wierd-pointy-crazy-ass-curly-q mustaches this year?
Two auditioned (Stachey being the one chosen, obvs), and now we’ve got another one on PR!? I think its PR, anyway. Is this some new trend/competition/whatthefuckever I’ve not heard about? Although I must say I have grown to like our hairy little troll on Top Chef. He amuses the hell out of me.
“and the Magical Elves to keep everyone else at least 10 feet away”
I think that’s the stench of old man balls.
“Oh, I am NOT gay by the way. I am sooooo NOT gay that the sight of my own dick absolutely disgusts me”
Awesome, crankyguy.
I’m so not gay, I hated my penis so much that I got it changed a vagina… And then that looked weird, so I got boobs put in.
Boy was my wife pissed. Not because of the change, but because I keep stretching out all of her clothes.
You have to realize J-Mo that I’ve stopped watching the show. It just ruins your recaps!
StacheBear, you’re a douche. If you were forced to live in a world without bacon you would shrivel up and die. You prolly pleasure holding bacon in you mouth, lubeb up in bacon grease, rubbing against a pork belly and oinking!
J-Mo -I love the recaps. The first thing I do is scroll down to see how many pages. If more than 15, I am in heaven. You deliver the goods. I still laugh at gems from prior recaps.
Great recap, J-Mo!
I’m thinking that StoneFox must have spent some time with Stoner Sheldon right before this epi was filmed. That would help explain his utter inability to form coherent sentences.
Does anyone else think Lizzie’s Dad (may he rest in peace) looks like The Most Interesting Man In The World?
Thanks for reminding me how much I loved Dirty Bear during his season. He was adorable.
@timgunnsister: You’ve got a good point about Stache’s gay denial. He does protest too much. If he is though, he would probably be an even lonelier person than as a straight guy. I can’t think of a single self-respecting gay guy that would appreciate his unfortunate combination of insecurity, inferiority complex, 1890s facial hair, pork product-themed T-shirts, hate for Oklahoma, and beady cartoon character eyes.
JMo,
Please write a book.
Love,
Georgia
J-Mo,
I second Georgia’s motion.
Love,
Amy
This recap made me laugh so hard. Thank you!
P.S. Yes, what Georgia said!
Hey J-Mo!
Just had to pop in here & tell you I’m reading through your ANTM recaps & LOVING them! I just watched your video from Miss Gay Phoenix and it was epic! Amazing recovery from the sound malfunction!
Ok, off to read about the aftermath of MeeMaw throwing Homegirl to the wolves at judging!
Lots of love for J-Mo!
Aw shucks, you guys are so sweet! I bet if you put all of my recaps together in one, you’d have a Stephen King-sized book by now, LOLOLOLOL!
And MadelineNYC, thanks so much, I’m glad you liked the video and that you’re enjoying my turn on ANTM… the sad thing is, one of my cats died right in the middle of that cycle (I literally had to stop working on an episode mid-recap at 2am to go take her to be put down) so I barely remember much about it at all… if the jokes are a little threadbare, you can chalk it up to that…
love, J-Mo
Oh no! I’m so sorry! We’ll I’m past the halfway point and never noticed a drop in quality so you didn’t drop the recapping ball at all.
My only big disagreement I have with you was that I’m team Allison/Anime-Eyes. LOL!
I’m about to start on when they go overseas, just after poor recovering bulemic Jesus Freak got the boot from Tyra. Ah the Oprah-like sensitivity & philanthropy just oozes from her pores… No, wait, that’s bacon grease.
“Ah the Oprah-like sensitivity & philanthropy just oozes from her pores… No, wait, that’s bacon grease.”
@MadelineNYC: I doubt anyone is reading this thread anymore (except maybe poor J-Mo whom likely gets a notice or some shit about a new comment on an old recap that he thought was done/finished/gone/see ya bye, lol), but DAMN, girl…that was funny
LOL! Thank you! It was the most recent posting I could find by J-Mo to thank him for his awesome ANTM recapping,
I think I may have to check those out, as well! I wasn’t around back when he recapped them
They’re pretty hilarious! He was recapping just as Tyra was spinning further and further away from reality ( As opposed to now when she’s jumped the shark so far she actually landed on another planet. A planet where she’s a brilliant actress and the rivers are filled with BBQ sauce)
I’m glad thumby is off the show but I am sticking to my stubborn resolve of really liking him. True I haven’t watched this season but I’m glad I still like him, unlike CJ who was one of my favorite until his fiasco here.