Top Chef Recap: Gimme A Goddamn Chef Coat

44 Comments

1. 1
   AmyOops
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

   “If, on the other hand, you are here to see some juvenile animations and read a lot of curse-words…”

   Fuck yeah, J-mo. Missed you, man! Off to read…

2. 2
   crankyguy
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm

   I wish you had not linked to that article about John Tesar. I was planning on skipping the actual viewing of this season and just read the recaps. But, after reading about the sheer douchebaggery of this guy, I’m gonna have to watch.

   If chefdom made him a millionaire by age thirty, and he is friends with A. Bourdain, Liza Minnelli, etc., shouldn’t he be in Top Chef Masters rather than plain ol’ Top Chef? How is he gonna deal if some whippersnapper kicks his ass?

3. 3
   crazy rooster
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 3:30 pm

   J mo. I’m so happy to read you again I got wackadoodle eyes!!

4. 4
   sagittariuskim
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 3:38 pm

   I’m really hoping Anthony Bourdain will be a guest judge this season. Just so we can find out just how good a “friend” he is with John Tesar. He seems really bitter

   It seems we have quite a few tools and crazies this season, so is should be interesting.

5. 5
   mere2142
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm

   Yay J-Mo is back!! This recap made my weekend

6. 6
   Chicken Lips
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 4:00 pm

   Oh, J-Mo – I’m not sure if I’m more excited by watching a bunch of miserable elitest bitches compete on TopChef or reading your recaps. I do love me some J-Mo, even if I don’t proclaim my love verbally. Off to read!

7. 7
   Texas Red
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 4:07 pm

   Jumping out of reading partway through to tell you that I Love You, J-Mo, you are the best ever, and it was worth the wait to have you back. You are en fuego! The Frau Blucher shot has me crying. xoxox

8. 8
   AmyOops
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 4:39 pm

   @crankyguy: What? Not watch Top Chef? I am SO glad that article got you (or is going to get you) to watch. Your delicious cheekiness and humor could have potentially been limited without the actual *viewing* of the abomination

9. 9
   Dawn
   Posted November 11, 2012 at 5:59 pm

   Chunky and Chica are back!

10. 10
    chooch850
    Posted November 11, 2012 at 10:49 pm

    Hey, who died and made you uni-brow police. LOL!

11. 11
    Bridget
    Posted November 11, 2012 at 11:38 pm

    J-MO is back! I can’t believe how incredibly happy I was to see and read your recap. Made my day, week, month? Not sure, I don’t have a whole lot going on right now, but welcome back.

    I have decided that Kristen is the Asian Ashley Judd.

12. 12
    TalldrinkofH2O
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:30 am

    J-Mo,
    I’m not normally a recapper a**-kisser, but I came to the realization on the first page of this particular recap that you were perhaps the first recap I ever read on this site a few years ago and what made me keep coming back for more.
    Do you think that they’ll ever perfect those cloning experiments for humans??
    Seriously hilarious stuff here, and I look forward each week to reading what you put out on this show.
    Oh, and if you and the bf are ready to commit, you should consider moving to MD. You can get married here now.

13. 13
    JudgyWudgy
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:37 am

    Yeah, I love J-Mo. A few years ago I was lucky enough to have him recap the (much trashier) shows that….I watch. Alas, no more. I wish food shows didn’t bore me so much.

14. 14
    TalldrinkofH2O
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:48 am

    “Way to blow thousands of dollars there, Putzy the Clown!”

    And, it was probably BORROWED thousands of dollars, so, in addition to whining about having a useless degree that he/she had 4 years to figure out what to do about, he/she can then whine about how Haaaaaard and unfaaaaair it is to pay back student loans . . . that those of us who are older couldn’t get when we were college age and had to get scholarships and/or work 2 and 3 jobs.

15. 15
    crankyguy
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 7:12 am

    Let’s ponder about how I should allocate my time and resources if I’m going to work as a chef. Two years of culinary school or four years at a university getting a degree that has nothing to do with cooking and for which there is little demand? Hmmmmm . . . what a dilemma. It’s so hard to choose which alternative. What to do . . . what to do . . . ?

16. 16
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 9:36 am

    ^ I don’t think she knew that she wanted to be a chef when she started college.
    That happens…you go to college with no idea of what you want to be when you grow up. Sometimes, you figure it out in time, sometimes you don’t.
    I guess she didn’t.

    Really sad that Jorel didn’t make it. His face was so entertaining.

    And Kuniko looks like an Asian Wednesday Addams. I’ve never seen someone so perpetually glum.

    It’s awesome that you’re back J-Mo! We missed you!

17. 17
    crankyguy
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 9:59 am

    It happens sometimes . . . and did . . . to her. I hope she’s better at planning menus than she is planning careers, or she’s gonna be in trouble. That could happen too.

18. 18
    NotAlway'sPerfekt
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 12:35 pm

    Haven’t watched yet but luvs me some Top Chef and this recap was extremely entertaining! My only wish for this season is that Eric Ripert come on as a guest judge. Even better, give that delicious man his own cooking (or whatever) show on Bravo. Hell, who am I kidding, I’d be happy watching him sift flour for an hour and still hit pause over and over!

19. 19
    badgerfreak
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    I would LOVE for them to have Bourdain on the show and have him not even really know who Tesar was. I’m fairly positive I’m wrong there, but it would make me laugh. I think he’s going for the title of Top Dickweed. I hope they don’t keep him on the show purely for ratings though. I think he’s actually got some of the goods though. I can’t wait to see him clash with the other chefs. From what we saw in the preview of the season, there are definitely sparks that fly!

20. 20
    lalaluvr
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    J-Mo I soooo heart u and ur lil kitties 2. The recap was halarious, and I almost peed my panties when I saw stealthy ninja Beverly running in that clip…heehee. In my humble but highly judgemental opinion, I thought all of the omelettes were pretty shitty looking. WTF?

    Here’s to snarky snark in Seattle. Woohoo!

21. 21
    lalaluvr
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 1:30 pm

    #18 Notalwaysperfekt – If you love Eric like I love Eric you should check out his “On the Table” series online. He’s had Bourdain, Batalli and even Gail Simmons as guests.

22. 22
    JimbobJones
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    First off, bragging about a rating on Yelp is idiotic, since you can BUY OFF your bad ratings (I have a friend who owned a restaurant. If you pay them $300 a month, they’ll hide your bad reviews and not include them in your average), and they also filter out GOOD reviews for people that don’t pay (I should know — the same restaurant, my review was automatically filtered out. Wonder if it had anything to do with him refusing to pay).

    Yelp is kind of like the mafia now — a really LAME version of the mafia which hires people to give bad reviews of restaurants, but still… (Same restaurant, someone who lived 80 miles away in San Jose, conveniently near the Yelp headquarters, gave a bad review saying how her dinner on Sunday was horrible. Problem is, the restaurant was CLOSED on Sundays). BTW, I can’t prove they pay people to write bad reviews, but the first two are absolutely true.

    I think they eliminated Stephanie because Padma wants to take a run at Kristen, and doesn’t want interference. Oh, come on, if marrying 150-year-old men who can’t possibly have sex without their dusty twig and berries turning to ash isn’t a cry of I’m secretly gay, and want a hot Asian girlfriend then nothing is.

23. 23
    readingfiend
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    Yay, J-Mo is back! I enjoy the recaps more than the show itself. The whole thing was LOL funny but you owe me a keyboard for “Morty Mormon”! Hughnibrow would look 100 times better with that simple 2-minute grooming fix but I guess he likes it that way. So glad to see the adorable Chunky and Chica again too – I hope they will be making regular appearances.

24. 24
    CynTV
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    J-Mo’s got a fan club!!! I am so, so happy you’re back. I’m going to watch this season now! Now, all we need is for you to join Watch What Crappens and life will be perfect. Along with a million dollars.

25. 25
    juddfan
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 3:51 pm

    J-mo, YAY!!!! You’re the best reason to watch this show, and I been looking for one too!!! I look forward to your wonderful and colorful recaps, and me so sorry your cutie didn’t make the cut!!! I know, it makes it much nicer to watch if there’s something there for you!

    And, hmmm . . . wasn’t Art Smith cuter when he was heavier . . . is it me!?

26. 26
    zerocool
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Agree with readingfiend – I’ve always thought Hughnibrow would look great if he did just a touch of manscaping. Hell, if you’re already shaving take a couple of seconds and finish the job!

    You know you’re in for a great re-capping when the first paragraph has you crying. So happy J-Mo’s back!!

27. 27
    brzysmom12
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:33 pm

    J-Mo – I AM your (reading) bitch, bitch! Doing a happy dance that you’re back! When I saw 16 pages of recap heaven, it was like having birthday, Christmas and all the liquor and cupcakes a person can handle! And I haven’t even got past the first page yet! Hope that long vacation was worth it and now that it’s not 115 degrees outside anymore, NASCAR left along with their 50,000 fans, the streets in my city are clear again, I got a brand spanking new recliner 2 hours ago and now getting ready to read the long-awaited welcome back recap from an obviously very popular and freakin’ hilarious J-Mo! Life is good.

28. 28
    zbird
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:57 pm

    J-mo is recapping, so all is right with the world. This was, as always, hilarious!

    And I love Chunky and Chica, although they look a wee bit scary in that last pic! I’m trying to remember what was happening in one pic you posted where Chunky was throwing dollar bills at Chica (something like that) — so cute!

    Whoa: My captcha is FUZZY WUZZY (I think Chunky had something to do with it).

29. 29
    Chicken Lips
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm

    @Jimbob “Oh, come on, if marrying 150-year-old men who can’t possibly have sex without their dusty twig and berries turning to ash isn’t a cry of I’m secretly gay, and want a hot Asian girlfriend then nothing is”

    Bwaahahahahahahahahaha. I just laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe for a second. Completely out of left field and oh so wrong…but reading it felt so right!

30. 30
    AmyOops
    Posted November 12, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Okay guys…now I’m just as guilty as the rest, I admit, but if we’re not careful here J-Mo’s head is going to get so big it just mightpop the next time he brandishes a Q-Tip

    Hey, whatever happened to the Hugh plucking his unibrow for charity? Did it grow back (thicker than ever)? Eh, he’s still adorable.

    I’m driving myself crazy trying to recall if A-Bo mentions that “evil chef” in one of his books. His name sounds so damn familiar…and I’m in Central Florida.

31. 31
    JimbobJones
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 1:02 am

    @Chicken Lips — Thanks Most people probably stopped reading sometime during my Yelp-rampage, so I threw one in for the patient people.

    I wanted to edit it to add the quotes so it made more sense (but the system wouldn’t let me. I thought it allowed edits now):

    I think they eliminated Stephanie because Padma wants to take a run at Kristen, and doesn’t want interference. Oh, come on, if marrying 150-year-old men who can’t possibly have sex without their dusty twig and berries turning to ash isn’t a cry of “I’m secretly gay, and want a hot Asian girlfriend,” then nothing is.

32. 32
    JimbobJones
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 1:07 am

    I, for one, won’t fall into the J-Mo love (even though the review is hilarious, and awesome).

    J-Mo, you don’t know about food, and your shirt is SOOOO 2006.

    Yep, that deflated the ego.

33. 33
    lindaw205
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 1:27 am

    I’m hoping that Tesar reads TVGasm and catches the J-Mo recap, then comes on here and starts a comment war so J-Mo can get his 100 comments. Judging by that article I’d say he could bring on the crazy just as well as a T&T mom.

    Glad you’re back!

34. 34
    J-Mo
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 7:01 am

    PSSSSSSSSssssssssssss…. well played, JimbobJones, WELL PLAYED! LOLOLOL! My oversized hat is off to you!

    Thanks for all the comments, ‘Gasmii, they are like crack to ANY recapper (even Flipit) and we love them all…

    love, J-Mo

    P.S. There has NEVER been a better T-shirt product from a Bravo Show than “I’m not your bitch, BITCH!”… not one time.

35. 35
    Jimbob Jones
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 11:30 am

    Did they ever release a \It’s not Top Scaylop\ one?

36. 36
    PottyMouth
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    J-Mo,

    I LOVE You! So glad you’re back recapping these buffoons. I really liked how they narrowed down the contestants this time around; although I sorta wish they ALL had to work a night in each of the judges’ restaurants.

    I think they’ve left you with plenty of fodder for the season and if the rumors about Stefan returning are true…..well, I can’t WAIT to see how that plays out!

    I’ve missed ya and I’m glad you’re back.
    SWAK, PottyMouth

37. 37
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 1:58 pm

    “although I sorta wish they ALL had to work a night in each of the judges’ restaurants.”

    Meee too.
    I was thinking that it was so unfair, because working on the line making food that will represent Daddy Tom for real life customers while Daddy Tom lurks over your shoulder is way more stressful than just making an omelette for Wolfgang Puck or a soup for Emeril or a salad for Hugh.
    You don’t have to worry about creativity or wow-factor with Tom’s test though. All you have to do is what you learned in culinary school, so maybe it balances a bit, but at the same time, I just feel like they got the raw end of the deal.

38. 38
    Gilty Plezzur
    Posted November 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    J-Mo, your recaps are so funny and breezily written. I love the additional kitty porn that often accompanies them. I must say, though, that by now Hugh’s brows have reached iconic proportions. I mean, getting him to pluck the unibrow would be like taking the wax to Frida Kahlo.

39. 39
    LAC
    Posted November 14, 2012 at 8:14 am

    J-Mo!!! YAY!!! Welcome back and I am looking forward to your screencaps and their enhancements.

    When did handlebar mustaches become a chef’s best friend? Is it the fauxhawk of 2012?

    Yes, I did laugh out loud when Chef Yelp and Ms. Movement got the boot. We got plenty of egos to deflate this season, so their presence will not be missed.

40. 40
    crankyguy
    Posted November 14, 2012 at 9:46 am

    How do so many chefs come by their massive egos? I don’t know how much overlap there is between Top Chef and Survivor viewers, but on Survivor the major league baseball star, Jeff Kent, was hated by viewers, among other reasons, for his ego. It seems to me that a guy like Jeff Kent or Gordon Ramsay could be said to be entitled to his ego, based upon reaching a high level of performance and recognition in his chosen occupation, much more so than these reality contestant cooks. I’m beginning to think that the producers don’t cast these people unless getting a written promise from them that they will act like assholes.

    Also, I find it ironic that I have to type in “Get The Hopper Free” in order to post this when the advantage touted for the Hopper is that with it, I won’t have to endure television ads: “Watch Shows Not Commercials.”

41. 41
    kels
    Posted November 15, 2012 at 12:31 pm

    Ah, the return J-Mo and Kitty Porn. All is right with the world.

42. 42
    reality
    Posted November 15, 2012 at 12:50 pm

    Miss and love J-mo. and Flip-it. I first got into this with recaps about Lost (who did those? Loooved the screen shots and captions)..

    Have I mentioned we have the same couch from Ashley Furniture? Our mistake was buying a couch where you can’t turn the cushions for even wear. We are in desperate need of a new couch, sagging so low and the as-seen-on-tv support boards don’t help whatsoever. How’s your’s holding up?

    Can’t wait to read the recap from last night. You are so good at this.

    Thanks,

43. 43
    Coopcal
    Posted November 15, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Love, love, LOVE you Jo-Mo! Best recapper evah! Off to watch the second episode and then to your recap. You rock.

44. 44
    arizonatom
    Posted November 18, 2012 at 7:21 am

    Welcome back, J-MO!! So glad to see (read) you and the kitties again! Here’s to another season of douch-baggery, bitchery, witchery and jackasses (and jackass-ettes!)! I know that using soup, salad and an omelette are kind of standard tests for some kitchens to see just what chefs can do (‘cuz they’re so simple it’s hard to fuck them up, but it’s also hard to outshine others when making them), but I kind of agree that Daddy Tom’s test was quite different. Maybe his test should have been to make a bitchin’ sandwich? They are also simple, but can be so, so good – I think that would have been fairer. Reminds me of a competition I was in one time where I had to make one kind of cookie, a girl had to make another kind of cookie, and the third girl had to make barbecued chicken. I won, but how in the hell can you compare cookies to bbq? Here’s to more hilarity and kitty-porn!!
    Lots O’ Love