Top Chef Recap: I Will Love KFC Forever

49 Comments

1. 1
   reality
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 9:26 am

   I want someone to explain how Brooke was too busy for the fried skin, but then had too much time and could fry her chicken twice?

   I too think the judges were wasted. DT’s place on the water looked awesome.

   I like all who are left, so maybe we can guess the winner? When would Kuniko and LCK winner come back? After this Wednesday’s show?

   Hate the Captcha ad watching manipulation!

2. 2
   Jaime Sommers
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 9:30 am

   Yaaay! Finally. God I hate that woman. I always picture her growing up as the annoying loud child who perpetually had some kind of runny nose/cough who would sit next to you on the school bus with her heat radiating fat thighs mushed against you in her smelly socks. Then as an adult, she’d gross out all her straight female friends by exaggeratingly describing the marvels of eating a woman out, cackling at their discomfort or alternately sulking and berating them for being a homophobe, telling them her overly-dramatic “coming out” story for the fifth time, even though her friends all knew Josie’s family was very supportive.

   I know Stefan is a human balloon of douche-air, but he was funny this episode and reminded me why I loved him in his season. I thought his chicken dish looked yummy. I’m not a gourmet though when it comes to chicken and prefer breasts to slimy veiny leg and thigh meat.

3. 3
   MisRed
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 9:47 am

   J-Mo! Bahahaha- loved the recap. I love how you quote Lizzie’s accent. Thrilled to see Josie GONZO LOPEZ. Next Stefan… hopefully.

   @Jaime Sommers- GREAT coment. Did you grow up with Josie cuz that description seems right on target.

4. 4
   Holyterror
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 10:04 am

   Ah, J-Mo, you made my day. And no, Florida is NOT part of “The South.”

   If you haven’t seen it, look at Blowsie’s ridiculous, BLOATED Bravo profile (http://www.bravotv.com/people/josie-smith-malave/bio) — it’s like she’s a boat person with very little English who only knows the word “rocking.” it’s interesting to contrast it to Kristin’s lean, relevant, and to-the-point profile.

   I comfort myself in the knowledge that Blowsie’s future will be pure hell.

5. 5
   badgerfreak
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 10:23 am

   So much joy!

   I don’t think Florida counts as part of the south, at least not the deep south anyways.

   LOVE the Jujubee love, but it’s a little insulting cause that guy is way less attractive than Ms Bee.

   I love that Stefan got called out for not really following through with the real challenge. We’ve been saying all season long he doesn’t give a shit about the challenge, he just cooks what he wants to cook, which is what he did.

   I completely believe those judges were way too smashed to host judges table that night. Is it just me, or does this appear to becoming a habit on the show? I loved the challenge though. It was so simple and it was amazing to watch so many of them screw it up so spectacularly.

   Missed you J-Mo and your kitties!

6. 6
   TVKimmy
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 10:31 am

   “Tip Toe Through the Douchelips” might be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read.

   And I grew up in Florida. Don’t judge, I hated it and got out as soon as I could. But I have to say, there are parts that are very much the “deep south”. North central Florida for one is about as backwoods as you can get. I had to move back for a couple years to take care of my Mom and dragged my poor, Illinois born husband along with me and he was SHOCKED. Trust me, not all of Florida is beaches and retirees. Not by a long shot.

7. 7
   Jaime Sommers
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 10:50 am

   @Jaime Sommers- GREAT coment. Did you grow up with Josie cuz that description seems right on target.

   Thanks misRed! No, I didn’t; I just get that vibe off her, you know?

8. 8
   LAC
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 10:59 am

   J-Mo, you look too,too adorable with your baby!

   Thank you for the “rawking” recap! BWHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Snort, bray!” – There, that ends my tribute to Ms. Overcookin’ fucknuts. Bye, Josie!! My husband was laughing at my hurling of insults at that Fail. Rule number on with fried chicken – you have to give it time to sit on a cooking rack, so all that extra oil does not not congeal up in it. Juicy, not oily, you braying moron!

   Stefan had a few funny moments, but what the hell with the cordon bleu shit? Just fucking do what they ask you to do and spare us the lectures of what the europeans do. Idiot…

   Stachebear – It looked like it was good and all, but I hate that he won. He is such a bitch about everything. So glad that peapaw is lookin’ down on him and his brown paper bag and zzzzzzzzzzzz…shut up already

   Thank you for saying that about the chefs at the table. Clearly shit faced because nothing they said was that witty. Jaysus, you would have thought that this was the Alqounquin round table and Dorothy Parker has just said “If all the girls at the Harvard Ball were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised” by the way they were cackling and falling out of their seats. Slow down on wine next time or get a better writer.

9. 9
   Hatched One
   Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:14 pm

   J-MO: completely WONDERFUL picture at the end (the kitty was cute too!). Believe it or not, my maiden name was Paillard!!! However, growing up my house, Chicken Paillard was Shake n’ Bake, peas and a potato.

10. 10
    kels
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:19 pm

    Great recap as always, J-Mo. The Stache Family pics made me snort laugh. Bye Josie!!! Tehehehe!!! I have never been so happy to see a chef go. Evah! Give the kittehs our love, J-Mo!

11. 11
    crankyguy
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    @TVKimmy — yeah, a good portion of northern FL is pure Honey Boo Boo territory. And for some reason the warm winters just bring out more white-trashiness than if they had to stay inside their hovels for a few months each year.

12. 12
    crankyguy
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 12:49 pm

    @Holyterror — I wonder if she edits her own profile. This is a direct quote: “Chef Josie connects with people through her genuine smile, good food, and infectious laugh. She continues to connect with people through her genuine smile, good food and infectious laugh. ”

    And, she’s working on a rock-and-roll cooking show, whatever the fuck that is.

13. 13
    Viane Slice
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 1:03 pm

    I must confess…

    A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about Stefan.

    I dreamed he was trying to seduce me by feeding me the most scrumptious potato salad with his fingers. The salad was made of roasted potatoes, dill, sour cream and I could actually taste it. It was so real I woke up with a start in horror. I was grateful that my real yummy husband, Mr. Slice, was beside me.

    J-Mo, I’m familiar with ash being used as seasoning from reading Jean Auel books. I couldn’t tell you how many times Ayla was roasting meat and talked about ash giving the meat a nice salty flavor since salt was rare and precious.

    Also I too get annoyed when chefs state an ingredient is beneath them. On Chopped I hear that gripe all the time. I don’t understand why some chefs can’t see that really makes them great is when they can take a so-called inferior ingredient and make it superb.

    I didn’t see this episode but reading the recap I couldn’t believe how many people failed/refused to just fry a batch of yummy chicken. It would serve them right if Daddy Tom brought back the challenge where they had to make a meal out of chicken, onion, and potato.

14. 14
    Pat Ledoux
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 1:07 pm

    J-mo, I don’t watch this show, but you are as awesome as Dear Crabby in your recaps and I just wanted to say- You rock, Dude. Thanks for the laughs!

15. 15
    Faye
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 1:26 pm

    *hangs head in shame* I guffawed out loud at the Helen Keller joke.

16. 16
    magrinch
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 1:31 pm

    Thanks to J-Mo and his bad Helen Keller joke, pop shot thru my nose and all over my monitor at work. Have to say it was the highlight of my Monday.

17. 17
    sagittariuskim
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    I’m so happy I won’t have to hear that laugh again. Well, until the reunion.

    And if you look at Top Chef’s page on Bravo and Facebook, you will see that they are lots of Uniball fans out there. for some unexplainable reason . But every Top Chef fan is united in their hatred of Blowsie.

18. 18
    PacoSauce
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    I always love the \simple\ challenges, because they cut through the bullshit and show just how pretentious some of these contestants are. Josh may have a hugely inflated ego about his cooking skills (and with Josie gone, it’s painful obvious that he’s the most mediocre), but he fulfilled the challenge better than anyone else. All they asked for was fried chicken, and he served some tasty-looking fried chicken. Meanwhile, Brooke was too stuck-up to tackle the challenge, and bombed. Which is ridiculous, because biting into a crispy chicken skin is the closest I’ve ever felt to God. Praise. Hallelujah. And I think it’s interesting to note that both Sheldon and Stefan appeared to have issues due to cultural differences, but they had very different strategies. I feel like Sheldon really tried to do some fried chicken fusion and Stefan just threw it away. Goes to show just how mediocre Season 5 was, because Stefan had no problem coasting to the top then.

    Also, I had a big problem with Daddy Tom’s attitude toward Josie during Last Chance Kitchen. Granted, I wanted to see Josie destroyed just as much as the next viewer. We’re talking fire, brimestone, the rage of a thousand suns. But you don’t get to harp on about how Josie survived week by week by the skin of her teeth – how she SURPRISINGLY managed to avoid LCK for so long – when you are one of the assholes stupid enough to give her a dozen free passes. At least Padma has the… integrity? to defend her moronic judging decisions. Between that and his glaring disappointment every episode, I have been forced to turn to Gail for clarity at the judging table. A dark hour indeed.

19. 19
    cattyfan
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 2:40 pm

    Haven’t read anything yet, but saw the Camilla the Chicken mural and cracked up.

20. 20
    Aunt Dorsey
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Every time you watch Chopped, one of the contestants plays the ‘Queen for a Day’ card with a sad story about a dead relative, and this time it was StasheBear with his dead pawpaw in the sky. (My favorite trashtastic show from the ’50s–have the saddest sob story and win a–gasp–washing machine!)

    Blowsie and her crocodile tears while Lizzie put her shoes on. So what the hell happened to Blowsie’s biscuits? She’s such a bloviater…..all gaseous talk and bray.

21. 21
    JimbobJones
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 4:23 pm

    I’m actually a bit sad that Blowsie is gone. Not because I want her around, but because when they have some sort of Southern food challenge, I can’t wait to hear how she was “Born a poor black boy, whose mom cooked the best chittlins and pickeled pigs feet you ever had”

    Is there a race this woman isn’t supposedly a part of?

22. 22
    RJ
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I’d like to give an official post-mortem congrats to Blowsie, as she is the first contestant I’ve ever loathed enough to make me watch an episode of LCK on the very real possiblity of her double elimination. She makes me think its time to reinstate beheadings, but only for reality show contestants.

23. 23
    chooch850
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Agreed cattyfan, the Camilla the Chicken mural is amazing!! J-Mo is amazing and this recap is amazing! I’m so happy Blowie is finally gone. I even did a happy dance… well almost.. I wanted to.

    Oh and your reference to a “glazed yeasty vagina served with sliced ovaries” made me put my dinner back in the frig….

24. 24
    Jaxm53
    Posted January 28, 2013 at 6:53 pm

    So glad Josie is gone!!! As for Florida being part of the south, it depends where you are. On the coast south of Tampa or on the Atlantic, DEFINITELY NO. But, being in north central Florida, it is DEFINITELY the last of the Deep South. If its not deep fried and covered in white gravy, it’s not food here. All the farms, camo weddings, and “muddin” going on here is totally foreign to this girl who grew up just outside of Detroit!

25. 25
    AliceinPopLand
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 12:03 am

    I have no words for StacheBear. Hes a douche and Oklahoma is ashamed of him. If he would just stop mentioning that hes from here thatd be great. I have seen a few reality shows with contestants from here and NEVER mentioned it again. Just shut up dude! You suck and deserve to be kicked in the balls, hard by Chef Ucky! I was impressed he choked down the atrocity of \sushi\ StacheBear put in front of him. End Rant.

    Yay Josie is gone! GONE GONE GONE! I think its hilarious that shes on record saying she just wanted to conceed to Kristen. Like no bitch you will be humiliated and we will laugh! So if she comes back to assist in cooking for the finale, hope Kristen doesnt get stuck with her again. Love you JMo!

26. 26
    vish
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Hours after reading your recap, J-Mo, I’m still laughing at the Stachebear family photos. So. Fucking. Funny. Thanks for your recaps, you are truly gifted.

27. 27
    SnoopK8
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 6:07 am

    @Holyterror, @Crankyguy – don’t forget the “baked potato takeout concept.” Didn’t Wendy’s already do that?

28. 28
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 7:18 am

    She knows she didn’t want to concede to Kristen. Blowsie’s one of those douchey guys at the bar who try to get your number and when you politely turn them down, start screeching about how they didn’t want you anyway, and just talked to you because they felt sorry for you.
    And she’s what my friend and I call a culture vulture…she pretty much just waits for any kind of heritage/culture/nationality to be celebrated, and then twists herself into knots trying to make herself a part of that experience, even though she has no business in that shit.
    So glad that she’s gone.
    My only pain is that Kristen had to go first, and that I actually rushed to LCK after the show to see what would happen. *humiliated tears*

    David Chang looks like Jujubee fell into a salt lick….all swollen.

    And I think if Stefan had actually served a good chicken cordon bleu, he might not have gotten reamed so badly. Lizzie didn’t make fried chicken, but her food was so good and the judges were so drunk, they didn’t give a fuck.
    McBitchyson didn’t make any sense to me. She wanted to take off the skin, fry it, cut it up, and then bread her chicken with it? Bitch that is so fucking dumb, I can’t. The chicken already has skin on it. God already did the work for you. Just put some spices on that shit and fry it up real good and crispy. All that extra stuff was not necessary in any way, shape, or form.

    So many glorious moments in this recap…”laa laa la-laa laaaa, look how miny fucks I’m not giveeng” started the tears of laughter, and they just kind of continued from there.

29. 29
    Pegalicious
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 7:38 am

    The minicap was great, but the full recap is splendid, J-Mo! (And Chunky is adorbs, of course.)

    Blowsie’s “tears” at the beginning were, to put it kindly, unconvincing, and her exit stage left (or was it stage right?) was too long overdue. Rooting for Top Model for the win.

    BTW, my captcha is “mustachioed,” which reminds me that there’s another self-important, self-pitying, smug, bloviating, delusional cheftestant.

30. 30
    Holyterror
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:46 am

    @crankyguy, OF COURSE she edited it … Unless there’s someone else who thinks having played football belongs in a chef’s resume, or that having “tasted water” in a foreign country is some kind of accomplishment. Never mind the utter nonsense about tapping veins — if you mean you’ve travelled, I have too, as has most of the world’s population.

    She evidently has no clue about how irritating the smile and laugh she brags about are. I wish Bravo profiles were like Wikipedia, and I could add my few, succinct, comments on THAT.

31. 31
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:49 am

    I dare one of you to go to her restaurant.
    I triple dog dare you.

32. 32
    Holyterror
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 10:57 am

    @chaosbutterfly It seems to be a fly- by-night pop-up tent.

    That just spells “quality” and “food handling safety standards.”

33. 33
    Holyterror
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 11:01 am

    I love people describing any fuckin’ obvious idea they have as a “concept” that can be trademarked.

    Like no one’s ever SOLD A POTATO OR LOLLIPOP BEFORE.

34. 34
    thatdariamom1332
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    @crankyguy There’s already a rock n roll cooking show, it’s called “Bitchin Kitchen” with Nadia G. She’s self taught, and her food is waaaaaayy better than anything Josie could cook up. So, yeah, way to go on coming up with an original concept, Josie.

35. 35
    zerocool
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    I didn’t like Blowsie either, but all this hate directed towards her needs to be sent straight to the d-bag producers that 1. let her back on and 2. let Padma dictate the eliminations. They are the ones truly to blame.

36. 36
    crankyguy
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 1:46 pm

    @zerocool, I’m directing some hate at the producers for having Padma on the show in the first place. She’s really getting on my nerves.

37. 37
    crazy rooster
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 1:59 pm

    Why all the Florida hate people? You’re about to hurt my feelings.

38. 38
    crankyguy
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:23 pm

    @crazy rooster, you didn’t give us your take. Is much of northern Florida redneck country, or isn’t it?

39. 39
    JimbobJones
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    @thatdariamom — Hey, until I see them have an episode titled “7 different recipes for giving people salmonella poisoning”, I don’t think it has a chance to be as good as any show Blowsie could be on.

40. 40
    Holyterror
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:54 pm

    @crazy rooster,

    Not being part of The South does not equal hate.

41. 41
    crazy rooster
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    @crankyguy. Northern Florida is no more redneck or backwoods than anywhere else. I was just surprised to read that kind of broadbrush regional stereotype here that’s all. No we don’t all live in trailers or go mud’n or (insert mouth breathing stereotype here). Lets get back to the snark and j mos awesome wit and cute kitty’s.

42. 42
    crankyguy
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    @crazy rooster, if that is so, then south Georgia is no more redneck or backwoods than anywhere else, and Honey Boo Boo and her family is not more redneck than anyone else. When I say that an area is “redneck,” I don’t mean to imply that every person living there is a redneck, but rather that the area has more than its fair share. The only reason it was mentioned in the first place was because people were weighing in on whether or not Florida was considered part of the fried-chicken-eatin’ south.

43. 43
    crazy rooster
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    Well gee I guess you’ve just baffled me into a corner with your achievement test style analogies. Rednecks are to north Florida as pancakes are to syrup. Gotcha. I shall retreat to my hovel with no offense taken.

44. 44
    crankyguy
    Posted January 29, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    @crazy rooster, is it MY fault that the rednecks of Florida tend to congregate in the northern part of the state?

45. 45
    roger
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:29 am

    “privately, stoner makes fun of ucky’s heavy japanese accent”…who would be able not to. j-mo, you approach mark twain in transcribing accents; be careful they don’t ban your books when they aren’t published i hate those non-publishing bastards SO much.

    lizzie bordon reminds me of reading dickens (not bad j-mo). chef UCKY—straight from mr. bumble by way of whoever that dude in “david copperfield” was. you rock j-mo.

46. 46
    roger
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:42 am

    “some dishes take years to prepare (like those thousand year-old eggs)”

47. 47
    roger
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 1:56 am

    instead of “years” (padma laksmi taught me it takes only moments to add spices to a bowl of dirt)…NO, from this moment i NO longer pander to you gasmils!!! it takes, AT MINIMUM, a year or more to prepare thousand-year “eggs”. this is quickfire…30 minutes TOPS. i have no time for your omelet! i cried because i had no andy cohen on my mexican cable, until i met a man who had no feet. with best wishes for the feet of you all…happy san blas day.

    say the word

48. 48
    roger
    Posted February 4, 2013 at 2:31 am

    “”well played, oh king of ohkie clodhoppers; well played”

    some attain only to “prince of clodhoppers”…aka stachy

49. 49
    Khakie
    Posted March 15, 2013 at 8:20 am

    He wins for soggy chicken?